(Content Warning: Strong Language. Adult Themes.)
“So what’s going on Professor East?” David kneads through the tense muscularity of his patient, expertly modulating the pressure and position of his touch. East lets out a deep sigh as he succumbs to the rough strength of David’s experienced hands. David takes a mental note. After a long pause, East replies to the question. “Well, I’m back on Xanax if that answers anything.”
East. What a strange name. Evolutionary biologist. Tenured professor within Harvard’s Department of Reptilian Instrumentality. And back on Xans. Not that it surprised David. He knows everyone involved in some way with the avoidance of a Third Smash has to be on something--like the professor, many of his colleagues come to David for tantric massage therapy.
David is a specialist. Long before his innovative techniques gained international reputation for curing the British Prime Minister’s lung cancer, David was already a pedigreed figure within the Spiritual Healing Association. Before his tragic sacrifice during the Second Smash, his father, Dr. David Foyner, Sr., served as its chairman. Ten years have passed since that catastrophe.
Having dramatically expanded the professor’s circulatory networks, David assesses his breathing. He observes the frequency and depth to obtain a baseline reading of East’s spiritual stability. He will now begin accessing his patient’s channels for conveying and receiving intimate love.
“How’s that, Professor?” David initiates the therapy gently, but at East’s low groaning approval, increases the pressure and rhythm. East begins to writhe and tense at the burning stimulation, but David knows the path to healing requires enduring through the traumas of one’s past. East relaxes. The objective of therapy is complete.
“Thank you, David. I really needed this.” East smiles at his friend. They’ve known each other for many years, since their days together at Academy. David starts to get up, when he’s interrupted by East’s hands on his thighs. “Wait a minute, David. I…have a favor to ask of you.” His face is serious and lined with concern. “Don’t hate me for this, but…” David immediately starts shaking his head. “Professor. You know my answer already. You know I can’t, not after the billions that perished following the aftermath of the Second Smash.” He continues, “Find another pilot. Humanity has other options.” But the fire hasn’t left East’s eyes. “David, this is important. We’ve linked the seismographic crystallography data to the results of the harmonic resonance readings we obtained from the Egg. The discovery we made--oh, it’s terrible! Awful!” East looks David in the eye, gripping his thigh tighter. “David, it’s just as you predicted ten years ago. The dinosaurs never went extinct. They’re the ancestors of the human race. Homo Saurus survived. ”
“A homo what? You’re not making any sense here, Professor!”
“You’re like…the oracle, David. The purple dinosaur was there all along.”
“Purple wha--you mean Barney?”
“YES! That was his name…Barney. He’s the answer to our prayers. He’s the y=mx +b, the Messiah to God’s Children, the burnt roasts to Starbucks.” East grabs Davids’ legs in desperation. “His resurrection is complete, David. And this is our final option. We need you back in the suit. We’ve completed it--Barneus Magnumis XL III! David! You’re the only person with the harmonic resonance factor capable of piloting it! Only you can stop the Third Smash--NASA predicts it’s happening tomorrow, 7:30 pm EST. ”
“This is it, David! You have all of humanity behind you--this time--you won’t sing alone!” East’s voice echoes shrilly from the coms of the cockpit. The Barneus Magnumis XL III. The pinnacle of humanity’s research into cybernetic evolutionary robotic engineering. A 300-foot-tall mechanized tyrannosaur capable of human-pilot integration.
Our final hope.
David can barely hear him past the blood rushing through his ears. In the pilot’s seat, elevated 300 feet above the ground in Barneus’ cockpit, he clutches the steering wheel. But before he can process the lump of anxiety in his throat, the mech’s generator begins to hum as it undergoes activation.
“What’s going on, East? I-I don’t know what’s happening, I swear, I didn’t even look at the On button yet! And why is there a steering wheel? I thought this thing is supposed to walk?”
The Barneus Magnumis XL III begins to waddle its chonky legs on its own accord.
“Shut the fuck up, David! Remember, the Barneus is its own living biological entity. It’s up to you--the pilot--to infuse and synchronize your will with the Homo Saurus. Forget the steering wheel. We don’t have much time left, David. The first asteroids of the Third Impact are about to enter Earth’s atmosphere!”
Just as East made his exclamation, a half dozen medium-sized asteroids burst into flames as they broke Earth’s atmosphere.
“David, there they are!” East shouts frantically through the coms. “Blow them up. Blow them up now!”
“Holy shit! Where’s the fire button?” David frantically looks around the cockpit. He notices the glowing red button in the middle of the steering wheel. Knowing what he has to do, he uses two hands to press down on the massive button.
“David, you idiot! That’s the car horn! To activate the Barneus’ weapon systems, you have to use your imagination.”
David, not knowing what else to do, follows the professor’s instructions and shuts his eyes tight. Visualizing the asteroids exploding, he focuses his will to infuse it with Barneus. At that moment, Barneus opens its mouth and emits a powerful laser. The flash of purple energy shoots through the sky, bursting the asteroids into obliterated specs of dust.
“David, you did it! But there’s no time to celebrate. Check your radars. The Big One is coming.”
“Coming where?” David shouts, unable to detect it on his radars.
East isn’t fast enough. But David is quicker. He whips around, sensing the massive load about to hit him from behind. Clenching up real tight, he focuses on shooting a fat beam at the asteroid. But at the last moment, David begins getting performance anxiety. His demons begin to haunt him, as he remembers what happened the last time he failed Barney. Unable to execute Barney’s wish, the world turned on them and blamed David for the events of the Second Smash.
But David knows this time is different. He remembers the song.
“East! I need your help. I need everyone’s help. Connect my coms to KOST 103.5 ‘Love Songs on the Coast’. We’ve got to get the message to everybody.”
“David what the fuck are you talking about? We have the science down perfectly. Just shoot another beam at the asteroid.”
“East you gotta listen to me, man. I’m telling you--it won’t be enough. It’s not about science, man. We need everybody’s help.”
“Fine, David. I believe in you. We’re patching you through.”
East connects David’s coms to LA’s number one music station. He’s done his part. Now, it’s all up to David.
“Thanks, East.” David thought of all the good times he shared with his dear friend, his brother in Christ. “If I don’t make it back, suck on deez.”
After a moment of silence, East sheds a tear and responds with a smile in his voice, “Deez what sir?”
David clears his throat to warm up his deep voice. He sings the song.
As David sings, the voices of every single person in the world join into a single unified chorus. David looks out the window of the cockpit at the asteroid, eclipsing the sky like a black hole sun. Unwavering his gaze from the fiery halo, him and Barneus leap into the sky, ascending into a final heroic climax.
“I love you,
You love me,
We're a happy family.
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too?
David sheds a tear. “World peace, and peace out.”
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Clapping. I didn't see the asteroid either.
clapping deez <3 nyehehehhehehehehe >:)
There is no way on this slap-happy green earth I wasn't shortlisting and 5 starring this masterpiece. I was expecting something totally different than what I got and then got dragged so much further. Beautiful. Delightful. It's also the story with the least typos and smoothest pacing that I've read so far. I'm not shortlisting this as a joke. I'm shortlisting it because it's written well enough to be worth it. This needs so much more love.
REALLY? i'm so glad u enjoyed it hehe i hope it was as fun to read as it was for us to write <3 tysm :> (also u should check out David Joyner's wikipedia page...you'll uncover all the layers to this story)
World peace and peace out is a great ending line. Damn, what an end.