Saudade

I rolled over and my hand grazed a warm, breathing figure. My husband. Boy was it comfortable and warm being snuggled up in the covers. I closed my eyes again, sleep awaiting to take me to dreamland again. A few seconds later, my eyelids flew open again. What time was it? Was it a work day? I turned over, and felt around for my phone. With one eye open, I saw it read 05:30. Right, it was time to get up. Sighing heavily, I sat up, the covers pooling around me. It was just a usual Wednesday, as it was always, week after week. Nothing out of the ordinary. If only I’d known what’s to come. 

I rolled out of bed, already missing its warmth. My husband was sleeping soundly beside me. He looked so comfortable and I grew envious of the warmth he was surrounded by. How lucky, I thought while glancing at his sleeping figure. He gets to wake up later and work from home. Sleep had become such a priority in my life, after having children, that is. An underrated privilege I took for granted in my younger days. Now all I could think of was when I’d see my bed next. 

Swinging my legs over the bed frame, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes and a refreshing shower later, still wrapped in my towel, I walked over to my children’s bedrooms and gently woke them up. “Time to get ready kiddos!” A few muffled grunts and whines coupled with stirs followed my wake-up call. “It’s mid-week, don’t be late. Both of you have tests today. All the best darlings,” I called over my shoulder while leaving their bedroom doors open. 

Walking back to my room, I closed the door behind me. My husband was still sound asleep. Changing into my office wear, I got started on my make-up and hair. Today was a big day for me. Leaving my hair down gave me a slight boost of confidence. No matter how you feel, dress up. That was my mantra, especially on days when it was harder than usual. After applying some lipgloss, I sprayed some perfume before kissing my husband on the cheek. “Love, I’ve woken the kids up. Drop them at school later, will you? I have a meeting first thing in the morning.” My husband woke briefly and nodded. “I’ve got it. Go and rock your stage today,” he said, half-asleep, before rolling over. 

The morning air was crisp, a sight breeze lifting the thin blanket of humidity. Taking the bus to work was always the highlight of the day for me. The gentle awakening of the morning, the way the sun’s rays kiss the rooftops of buildings, the ambling of people and their neighbours out of their houses to get ready for a day’s worth of work, it was as if a movie was playing, without a stop button. I could contemplate all I wanted about it, the nuances of life. For twenty minutes everyday, I got to daydream and see the life go by around me. Working in marketing had stripped me of the opportunity to just be. Most of the time, I was busy rushing deadlines, meeting clients, planning out strategic meetings, and the list goes on. These twenty minutes while I commuted to work were precious. It was my selfish time to dissociate and ponder.

But these twenty minutes were often short-lived. Just like today. My stop arrived so quickly it felt like I’d teleported. Snapping out of my trance, I tapped my card on the card reader. I need coffee. After alighting, I got myself some of the piping hot elixir from the cafe nearby before walking into my office building. Taking the lift to the 20th floor, I saw a few familiar faces. Smiling briefly I waited for my floor to come up. 

Entering my office, I glanced around. A flurry of activity. Today was an important day. A very prominent client was about to meet us for a collaboration we didn’t think we would ever have gotten the approval for. It needed to be a success. There was a buzz of nervous energy in the atmosphere. Everyone knew what was at stake. This needed to be a success. No way around it. Those involved, I noticed, had given more thought to their outfits today. More attention given to even the minute details. First impressions matter. 

I needed to get prepped too. I walked quickly towards my office. I knew the layout of my space by heart. It didn’t change. It was a medium-sized space with minimal clutter. Some files and books lined the shelves on the wall. A sofa space on the left for meetings with clients and staff. A main desk with a desktop monitor and stationery. I was a creature of routine. This has worked for me. This layout didn’t change. My staff knew that about me. But today, it was different. I felt myself slowing down without even realising it. I didn’t even know what the reason was for my feeling this sudden drop in the pit of my stomach, but my body seemed to have known it before me. My eyes fell upon a plain envelope on my desk. No address, no sender’s name. Just blank. Taking a deep breath, I placed my coffee on the table and my bag on my chair. Just as I was about to reach for the letter, my secretary walked in. “Jessie! Good morning!  Our internal meeting starts in 10 minutes. I’ve set up the meeting room already. We are ready for you.” Bright-eyed and perky, I could trust Bethany with a lot of things. The first on the list was punctuality. “Sure, I’ll be right in. By the way, I wanted to ask you,” I paused. “Do you know who left this here?” I held up the envelope to Bethany. A puzzled look crossed her face. “I didn’t see anyone come in last I left yesterday and even this morning. It’s blank. Have you opened it yet?” she queried. “I’ll do it later. Let’s get the meeting started first.” I replied. I got my presentation materials and headed to the meeting room. 

It wasn’t until later in the morning did I get the chance to get back to my office. I remembered that I had an unread letter waiting for me. The uneasy feeling in my stomach returned. I felt my heart rate increase synonymously. Why was I so anxious? Sitting down, I started at the envelope. It was exactly where I had placed it this morning. What could it be? Why was I overreacting? I had no answer to any of these questions. I only knew one thing - my subconscious knew something I wasn’t aware of. That could be the only possible explanation as to why I was reacting this way. 

I reached out and held the envelope. Cautiously opening it, it revealed a single piece of paper, folded in half. I took it out and started reading it. Immediately, I felt my blood turn cold. As my eyes were skimming through the words, all I could think of was, how did my mind know? There was absolutely no way I would have seen this coming. And of all days, definitely not today.

It was a letter. A letter from someone from a past that felt several lifetimes ago. A life that I had given up on, its desires buried deep in me. 

Jes, it’s me. 

It's been too long, but I feel that time has frozen for me, even though I feel like I’ve greyed with age. 

I’ve found you, finally. 

It’s taken everything in me to stop myself from throwing myself in your direction since I’ve found you. 

It physically hurts. Every part of me burns. 

Nothing I could ever do or say would make up for the lost time that we would never get back. 

It’s finite, after all, you see. 

But, I’ve seen you, and I still see you. 

Not a day goes by when I am not enthralled by your beauty or existence.

Time has stood still for you. 

Just seeing you fills my blacked heart with a glimmer of joy. 

I am sorry. 

For leaving you, for abandoning you, for betraying you, and our child. 

Oh, our child. My heart shatters into pieces for the life that could have been. 

And I could never meet her. Not even once. 

She left as soon as she came. 

I never wanted those things for you, for us, but it happened. I only wanted to protect you. 

I promise. 

Time - I didn’t have the luxury nor the privilege of that to explain what was going on to you. 

Trust me, if I did, I’d have done anything to tell you everything. 

Please, forgive me. 

I will make it up to you.

That is a promise, a promise I plan not to break. 

What did he mean by that last sentence? 

Where was he? 

My thoughts were in shambles. The memories came flooding back. I could not put a stop to them. Every experience, conversation, moment spent with him, every touch, breath, kiss, the pain - I could feel it all. It was all too much. I thought I had buried it deep inside. I thought marrying my husband was what I wanted, what my soul needed. But my body was responding differently. I thought I had forgotten all about this part of me like it was a bad dream I had awoken from. It felt wrong of me to think of this…this stranger that has suddenly come crawling back into my now eventless life. Memories that I thought were not mine, I saw myself in them. What was happening? I was a stranger in my own thoughts. 

I felt myself sink further into my chair. This was not happening. I placed the letter face down on the table and counted to five to steady my breathing. I turned over the letter again, hoping to see the words disappear. I was disappointed. They were still there, etched into paper, the contrast of the black ink against the white blinding. It was as if they wanted to burn their existence into my eyes forever, staining my vision crimson red. 

As I was battling with my emotions, Bethany walked into my room. Standing at the door, she announced “Jes, the client has arrived. I’ve briefed everyone on what’s to be discussed. We are ready whenever you are.” She was about to walk out when she paused, turning back to me. “Are you alright? You look… grey.” She looked concerned and was hesitant to leave. A brief moment of silence followed her question before it registered to me. “I’m alright,” I managed, steadying myself. “I’m coming now. Just needed to sort out few thoughts because this is an important client.” I gave her a weak smile. Hopefully, it was convincing! That seemed to do the trick. Bethany stopped frowning. “It’ll be great. The ball is in our court!” She gave me a thumbs-up before leaving. 

Placing a hand over my heart, I took in deep breaths. Let's get through this meeting first. One battle at a time. Grabbing my laptop and notebook, I made my way to the meeting room. As I opened the door, I saw all my staff were seated. Only my and the client’s seats were empty. I walked over to my seat, while glancing at our visitor. He was looking out the window, hands in his pants pocket. As I placed my materials on the table, I turned to address the room before looking in the client’s direction. He turned to face me just as I was doing the same and I felt my heart sink. There was absolutely no way - 

“Hello Jessie, good afternoon. Thank you for having me today. Looking forward to a fruitful discussion” Sam looks me in the eye, a smile tugging the corner of his lips. Confidence radiated from him. He stretches his hand out to give me a handshake. I felt myself reach out to him before I realised what was happening. The meeting room was cold but his hands, they were warm, just as I remembered them. 

What was the man whom I thought I would never see again, the man I once loved with my whole being, the one who wrote me the letter, doing here?