Five Proofs To:

FIVE PROOFS TO: 

A DRAMATIC

NOT RATED FOR EYES UNDER TWELVE YRS OLD

Tuesday:

It’s been a week since I’ve moved to Seattle. The weather tends to stink, and it's mostly cloudy and cold. I miss my home in Texas, where I lived by the ocean and the weather was always super warm in the summer. The winter wouldn’t last long for me, because I knew that it would end. 

Eventually. 

Now that I’m out of college and I have a job here as a model.

 I don’t have those pleasant warm days anymore. 

I miss my home... 

I don’t know anybody here. Everybody seems like a stranger to me. The homeless that crowd the streets scare me, because I never grew up around people like that. 

Saw a man yelling at a lost child in the street the other day. Freaked me out so much I couldn’t eat lunch. 

I’ve always been kinda sensitive. 

My first day in the office is tomorrow. Nordstrom sent over some dresses to be tried, and my boss wants me to hop on it. 

I’m still not used to all the make-up yet...but I’ll adjust soon. That’s what everybody back home keeps telling me.

I hope.

Wednesday:

Work went...OK today. My boss is some dude that keeps yelling at me when I take too long with the stupid mascara. I’m not used to it yet, and I keep getting the stinkin stuff in my eyes. 

I can’t cry tho. Mom told me never to cry.

I met a friend. She’s my hairdresser, and she’s pretty nice. Talked the whole time about her little 3-year-old she has back at her condo. David was his name I think. She’s really proud of the little guy, showed me pictures of him and his dad taking their daily jogs. 

I wish I could go out with somebody like that. 

Most of the evening, I just sit at home and watch the news. Everything happening seems so scary, and all of my friends keep telling me I’m gonna be fine every time I text them.

Ya.

I hope I am. 

I dunno…

Thursday:

Boss slapped me today when I was late for work. He fired three different models because they were ‘ugly’. Told me I was too but only kept me ‘cuz I can keep my mouth shut. 

Then he slapped me again when I nodded.

I wanted to cry so bad. 

During lunch, I simply went to the park to try and find some peace and quiet. My hairdresser was there. 

Still haven’t asked her name…

She was face-timing her son, telling him how handsome he was, and how great he was gonna be when he grew up.

Now that I think about it….my mom never told me that. 

I wondered where all the time had gone since I was that young. 

Seemed like a million years ago. My little sister had been kidnapped when I was younger…

I don’t really remember anything after that except for the therapy

I don’t wanna remember that…

Friday:

There was some heavy wind today, and it blew in a ton of rain clouds. But despite the weather, my dad was texting me about how proud he was that I was growing into an adult.

That made me smile.

But then I went to work to find the place being searched by cops. Things dropped pretty quickly after that. They asked me if i’d seen anything related to a murder. Of course, I hadn’t, and I found out….

I…

I found out that my hairdresser's family had been killed. 

Their neighboring apartment room had a party, and a man got too drunk and started going crazy. Somebody had handed him a gun and... 

The information was coming at me so fast…

I didn’t know what to do. 

Then my boss accused me of being the murders’ accomplice. Shocked, I ran back home before any further questions. The cops didn’t look convinced that I was a bad-guy, but they still searched my home anyway. 

My boss just kept emailing and texting me…

Kept telling me what a piece of junk I was…

My boss fired me… 

I felt horrible…

Saturday:

I stayed in front of the television all day eating ice cream in my sweats today. I felt horrible afterwards of course, but I kept eating. 

Retched in the living room all over my clean clothes…

My mom kept trying to call me, because my boss had texted her too…

I drank bleach…

I stayed in my bed for the rest of the day, just crying and thinking about how horrible I was.

I wanted to die so badly…

I just wished that I could see my parents and friends again…

Feel the warm sun on my wet cheeks…

That's when my phone started ringing.

My boss apparently knew a lot of people that had good connections, and had convinced them that I had abused a ton of people, killed the hairdresser, and stolen 10K from his bank account. 

I started getting hate mail…

Videos…

Texts… 

I don’t think I’ve felt that lonely in my life, but I simply couldn’t tear my eyes from my phone screen. 

A team of people with signs gathered outside my window, screaming a ton of stuff at me.

I called the police, and things calmed down pretty quickly after that…

Its amazing how so many cars...people...families...that passed by my room...

How I felt so lonely surrounded by thousands of moving, living, breathing things.

I had wanted to live in Seattle...

I was living in a place that others were dying to get to...

And yet...

I was dying to get away from it.

What I would give for a friend...

Sunday:

There was a thunderstorm today. I didn’t wanna go outside even if I needed to. 

I stayed in bed all day, hugging my knees and crying. 

My mom would probably yell at me for acting so weak…

She could never stand me crying…

The hate messages continued on through the rest of the day. I ordered a bunch of soda and chips from the store by amazon, and ate a button ton of it by myself. 

I wished that somebody was there with me to share the food…

I wanted to die so badly...

I tried to text some of my friends about my problem, but they either didn’t answer, or just sent the laughing emoji. 

What have I done to deserve this? 

My neighboring apartment person tried to comfort me by preaching outside my door. 

Kept telling me how great and pretty I was…

How I was so talented at singing and math...

He’d never even met me before. 

He slipped unicorn drawings under my door and told me everything was gonna be OK.

I felt even more stupid and went to bed to cry some more. 

Monday:

 My brain seems to be finally working again, since it’s been basically blank all day.

I feel...numb. At this point, I’d give anything to feel something besides pain and sadness. 

My phone is like a bomb now, that's ringing and pinging all hours of the day. I’ve hidden it under a mountain of laundry to stop it from driving me crazy. 

I wondered...did anybody else feel like me? 

Every night now, I would just lay in my bed and cry, and by the time the sun came up…

I’ve finally fallen asleep.

Then I have to wake up again because my alarm goes off and I just cry some more.

Looked in the mirror again, and nearly screamed because of the bags under my eyes. 

I do look ugly...

I’m getting into a routine now I guess… I just wake up, eat cup-a-noodle, lay on the couch for five hours, stay in the shower for another five, and then eat more food in front of the TV. 

It's kinda weird that in a city full of 745, 869 people, I still feel so lonely... 

I didn’t know what I would even do next. Every time I left my house, I had the chance of getting mobbed by my media haters.

I wanted to be done with life.  

I was gonna…

Leave.

For good.

I had five, perfect reasons why I should die. 

1. Nobody in Seattle cared about me
2. My family was useless and didn’t love me either
3. I hated myself and was alone 
4. Everyday was constant pain and sorrow
5. I had no more hope about anything. 

I was ready to leave for good. 

Suddenly, a rap on my door distracted me from my thoughts, and I turned to peek through the eyehole. Too many times, it was my next door neighbor with another segment from Hamlet or the ABC song. 

Instead, there stood a teenage boy dressed in what looked like a sunday best. I asked who he was through a croaking voice, and he told me his name was Phillup. 

I asked him what he was doing in front of my door. He held up a leather book with gold golden lettering and tried to shove it under the door. I opened the door a gap, and he passed it through. 

I asked what it was, and he just told me to read it. Then he walked away. 

Tuesday

Turns out, the book was a Bible. It was a strange book, with hopeful poems and dramatic fights and strange visions and love. It was talking about a God who loved...humans. Stupid, confused, seamlessly fooled humans. 

I didn’t even touch the ice cream once because I was so intrigued by the book.

I don’t think I even slept because I was so focused on reading it. 

By the time the sun rose, I had got to the place called the ‘Psalms’. It was filled with advice and encouragement and warnings and incredible context. 

Midday, the boy came back, this time with a single rose in his hand. I rushed to the door when he knocked, and actually opened it this time. 

He asked me if I wanted to give the book back in exchange for the rose, and I refused. I told him he can’t have it back, and shut the door in his face and went back to reading. 

Wednesday

The boy came back today, this time with a gallon of ice cream. I opened the door, (once I had brushed my hair of course,) and asked him what he wanted this time. 

He told me he wanted the book back, and held out the ice cream in an exchanged. I told him that I was on a diet now, and shut the door in his face to go back to reading. 

So far, I’ve reached the New Testament, which seems to be talking about this guy who’s kinda like a superman and a doctor mashed in one. He walks around like a rouge, making a bunch of important people mad and changing lives in the process.

Why would I ever want to give away this book? 

Thursday

I did laundry for the first time in a week today. 

Also brushed my teeth... 

I’m also feeling way better than I have all week.

The Bible is amazing so far. Jesus, (the super hero/doctor guy) is doing tons of crazy stuff and bringing people back to life and multiplying fish and stuff. 

I don’t know why I’d never learned about this book until now... 

The boy turned up at my door again, this time holding a stack of fives and asking for the book back. I didn’t even have to ask what he was here for this time when he saw me holding the book. Sure, I was tempted to trade out the book for the money, but I didn’t wanna fall back into that pit of pain again…

But I just did what I always did and slammed the door in his face so I could go back to reading. 

Friday:

Memories of what happened last Friday began to flood back to me as I made breakfast for myself. (Eggs and oatmeal) 

My hairdresser…

Her husband...

Her son…

I turned to the fat leather book for help, and began to read about Jesus having the ‘last supper’ with his friends, the disciples. He kept telling them that the bread and wine they were eating were ‘His bones and his blood.’ 

That kinda freaked me out. 

He said that one of his friends would betray him and send him to the bad-guys who were gonna kill him. 

Really not the most uplifting passage for me to be honest...

And then he went to pray in a garden and started praying and sweating actual blood. 

Okaayyy... 

Then he got captured by one of his own friends and lead to torture, before getting hung on a t-shaped cross. 

I cried again…

Then the boy turned up at my door again and I slumped towards it, opening it slowly. I expected him to be holding some Cadillac keys or something, but instead…

He was holding another Bible. 

He asked me if I could come inside, and I reluctantly agreed. He stepped inside and asked me to sit down. 

I asked him why he was here, and he answered; “To talk to you.”

That made me look up.

“What?” I asked.

“I’m guessing you’ve finished a pretty hard part of that book,” He said, pointing to the leather covered book. I nodded mutely. 

“I’m here to talk about what happened with you.” 

Over the next few days, he and I worked on breaking down the book in context and understanding the more confusing parts of knowledge. He told me about how Jesus came to save me, and how he loves everybody despite their problems. 

He told me how I’m not alone.

I told him about my five reasons, and how reason number 3 was ‘I hated myself and was alone’ 

“Let's change those five reasons into something else then.” He told me.

“What’s one reason you refused to give that book to me?” 

I suddenly realized he was right. 

I didn’t live by those ‘Five Reasons To Die’ anymore…

I had something different now. 

I had ‘Five Reasons To Live AND Love’ 

Five Years Later…

I teach teenager conferences now with the help of Phillip, my new husband. We take morning jogs, study the Bible over every meal, pray and save thousands of people like me, and change millions of hearts through what that fat leather book - the Bible - says.  

What are your ‘Five Reasons To:’?