Surprising Edna

Edna Almswood lay very still and quiet in bed…listening.

Her ears didn’t work as good as they used to, but they were plenty good enough for the work at hand, which was to hear if any nurses or PSW’s came clopping down the hallway.

This late at night, they usually only ventured along the smelly corridor if someone pressed the Assistance button. This would cause a low-pitched ding-dong to sound at the nursing station—giving Edna time to find a place to hide.

Sucking in a deep breath, she pushed aside the covers and sat up, swiveled slowly and gingerly sideways, and dropped her feet to the floor.

A stab of pain assaulted her ankles.

Damn arthritis!

With a grunt, she grasped the handles of her walker and launched off the edge of the bed, standing up quickly to avoid a fall. She stood there, wavering like a hula hoop dancer, finding her balance, waiting for the dizziness in her head to go away.

When it did, Edna shuffled slowly to the door and opened it. Poking her head out into the hallway, she glanced right and left.

All clear.

A couple minutes later, she was standing in front of Loretta Paavola’s room, listening. The rhythmic, rasping sound of her neighbor’s snores was music to her ears.

“Atta girl, Missus Paavola,” she whispered, grinning. “Tonight’s your lucky night, you old bag. The tooth fairy is coming to visit!”

Reaching out a withered hand, Edna pushed the door open a crack and waited. The mouse-like creaking of the hinges did not interrupt Loretta’s snores, so she shuffled inside.

A nightlight stuck in the wall illuminated the area around the bed nicely.

Sitting on the woman’s bedside table, looking as pretty as a peach on a Georgia morning, were this evening’s prize.

When she got near enough, Edna stretched out a long arm and dipped her fingers into the liquid-filled glass. The water felt cool as she grasped her target, pulling them out like fish from a pond.

Suddenly, Loretta snorted and coughed, causing Edna to freeze. She stared at the woman’s wrinkled face, trying to think of something to say if the she woke up and saw her standing beside the bed.

But Loretta only exhaled loudly then went back to her snoring.

Edna fumbled for the pocket of her pajamas and dropped the dentures into it.

Two weeks later, Detective Rob Bonham wore an amused smile as he made his way through the late afternoon traffic. He’d had some unusual cases in his time, but this one was for the books.

A week earlier he’d received a call from the head manager at Golden Meadows nursing home, saying one of their residents had developed an obsession with dentures.

Dentures? Bonham had mused.

It turned out the resident—an elderly woman named Edna Almswood—was so fixated with dental prostheses that the lady was stealing all she could get her hands on. Implants, bridges, crowns—any kind of prosthetic that came out of her fellow residents' mouths was targeted.

May Watford, the manager, had explained to Bonham that a staff member found a shopping bag beneath Miss Almswood’s bed containing two pairs of dentures, a dental implant and bridge, each wrapped tightly in cling film.

Almswood denied any knowledge of the stolen items, claiming it was her neighbor, Loretta, who was the thief—a claim belied by the fact that Loretta’s dentures were also found in the bag.

Bonham chuckled as he drove his vehicle into the entrance of Sunset Meadows. May Watford had also mentioned that Almswood and Loretta didn’t like each other very much. Sometimes they threw food at each other during meals.

In the course of several telephone calls during the week, Watford explained the situation thoroughly to him, shrewdly belaboring the high cost of dental prostheses that her residents would have to replace. “Could you please help us end this crime spree, Detective?”

Bonham had balked. He told Watford that there were more important cases needing his attention. What did she want from him? A thorough investigation, followed by the arrest of an infirm elderly woman for theft over $5000? “I really do not believe this would be a wise use of police resources, ma’am.”

Watford said she agreed completely. She only wanted Bonham to attend the nursing home and speak with the perpetrator. “We’ve tried to reason with Edna several times, but it’s not working. She keeps stealing things…and it’s upsetting the whole unit. If you could just speak to her, Detective, let Edna know you that could arrest her, put her in jail if she keeps stealing. I think that would make her think twice. The residents are so upset, and it’s very difficult for some of them to eat without any teeth.”

The manager had fallen silent on the phone then, waiting for a reply.

Bonham shook his head and sighed. He really did have more important cases to attend to. There were seven homicide investigations on his desk. Bank fraud, corporate malfeasance. It didn’t make sense to divert resources from those cases.

But Watford had been relentless—peppering him with emails and phone calls the whole week. It would be good to get her off his back.

“Alright, Miss Watford. I’ll speak to Almswood. Just once, though; and I won’t be able to stay long.”

“Thank you so much, Detective! I really appreciate you doing this.”

Now here he was, pulling into the visitor parking lot at Sunset Meadows.

What kind of a name is that? Sounds more like a cemetery, he thought grimly.

He got out of the vehicle, put on his suit jacket and swept his gaze over the five-story building. It was newer construction and looked to be built well enough. Bonham knew from personal experience, however, how much despair and loneliness haunted these facilities.

I’d rather take a bullet in the gut than waste away in there.

May Watford was sitting behind the desk in her office, ready to break the news to Edna about her surprise visitor. She’d spoken to the woman several times lately about the thefts, and Almswood still denied stealing anything. It was exasperating.

Meanwhile, another dental implant had gone missing. The situation was getting out of hand. Residents were demanding action; families of residents were demanding action. All of it made Head Office uneasy.

The staff had searched Edna’s room yet again but found nothing.

May knew the item could simply have been lost—such things happened regularly in a nursing home—but the defiant look on Edna’s face seemed to say it had been stolen.

“Are we gonna sit around here all day?” the woman asked, rolling her eyes. “I already told you everything I know, Watford.”

An idea struck May.

“You’re right, Edna, let’s get out of here. You have a special visitor today, you know?”

“Who’s that?” Her eyes narrowed.

“Detective Robert Bonham from the police department. He's stopping by to ask you a few questions.”

“Oh? About what?”

“You know about what. Come with me, please—the detective will be here in a few minutes.” May rose from her chair.

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom first,” Edna objected.

“We’ll stop by the bathroom on the way to the boardroom.”

“Boardroom? I’ve never seen no boardroom here.”

May smiled--she was counting on that fact. Edna had become too comfortable sitting in the office, stonewalling her. Maybe a change of venue would help her be more cooperative.

Bonham wrinkled his nose as he stepped off the elevator onto the third floor. The familiar smell of feces, urine and scented bleach assaulted his senses, bringing back uncomfortable memories.

Why do they always try and hide the stink with that lemony perfume? It makes it even worse.

He strode down the hallway, trying not to breathe in the unpleasant cocktail of odors.

Reaching the nursing station, he was in no mood for small talk. “Detective Bonham to see May Watford,” he said curtly.

A middle-aged nurse in pink scrubs looked up from her paperwork.

“Oh. Hi. Miss Watford asked if you would meet her and Edna in the boardroom instead, Detective.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Maybe it won’t stink so much in there.

“Where do I find this boardroom, Nurse?”

After getting directions, Bonham made for the nearest exit, a stairwell. When the door slammed shut behind him, he stopped to test the air with his nose. It seemed less unpleasant—less heavy with memories of his father dying.

Relieved, he took a deep breath and began walking up the stairs toward the fifth floor.

The boardroom was more elegant than he’d expected. Luxurious wood paneling covered the walls, a couple pieces of fine art faced a long table surrounded by tall-backed, executive chairs.

He wondered if this was the headquarters of some huge national chain of nursing homes. Or did one Sunset Meadows bring in that much money?

“You must be Detective Bonham,” said an attractive, well-dressed woman in her thirties. She rose from her chair and walked toward him.

He nodded, glanced at an older lady sitting nearby. Her eyes were very wide, looking him up and down like he was Clint Eastwood, barging into the room with a .44 magnum in his hand, ready to administer justice.

“I’m May Watford,” the younger woman said warmly, extending a hand.

They shook, and Bonham couldn't help noticing her eyes were the most empathetic he’d ever seen.

“Sorry about the last minute change of venue, Detective. I thought it would be good to have a little more…privacy in this room." She gestured toward a chair.

“Thank you.” He took a seat at the table. “And you must be Mrs. Almswood, I presume.”

She glowered at him. “It’s Mizzz Almswood.”

Bonham glanced at May, who gave him a commiserating look. “Thank you so much for coming today, Detective. Shall we get started? I know you’re a busy man.”

“Yes.” He took a notebook and pen from a jacket pocket. If Watford wanted to scare the old lady with the severity of her crimes, he would do his best. He put the notebook onto the table and flipped it open.

Before he could ask a question, Almswood blurted, “I didn’t steal nobody’s teeth, Officer.”

Bonham clicked the pen, drew a question mark on the page. “Do you know who did steal them, Mizz Almsworth?”

She nodded. “It was Loretta. She done it.”

“Loretta Paavola is your neighbor on the third floor. Correct?”

“Yup.”

“Now, ma’am, I understand that when a bagful of prostheses was—”

“Prozteazies? That some kind of sex toy?”

Bohham felt the corners of his mouth start to tug upward into a smile, but he tamped it down. Getting friendly with the woman wouldn’t help.

“I don’t have any prozteazies,” Almswood added somberly.

“Okay. But a bag of dentures were found under your bed. They turned out to be stolen. And in fact, one set of dentures belongs to your neighbor Loretta."

"So what?" the woman said brazenly.

"So...if Loretta's doing the stealing, why would she put her own teeth under your bed, ma'am?”

Almswood grinned mischievously. “Isn’t it obvious, Detective? She was tryin’ to frame me! Make it look like I did it.”

Bonham sighed, looked at May again. “Feel free to jump in here anytime, Miss Watford.”

She nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” He noticed that her eyes were beautiful, as well as empathetic.

Clearing his throat, Bonham turned his attention back to the suspect. “Miss Almswood, I have to tell you—”

“Call me Edna if you like."

“I need to tell you that theft over $5,000 is a crime which carries a minimum sentence of two years in prison.”

The old woman shrugged.

“And you, Edna, are the prime suspect in this case—the only suspect in this investigation. Do you know that over $5,000 in dental equipment has gone missing from your floor?”

She nodded, jerking a thumb toward the manager. “Mizz Watford told me.”

“We already have enough evidence to convict you of theft, ma’am. Do you really want to go to jail?”

That took the wind out of her sails. Edna swallowed thickly and her sassy look faded a little. “You gonna arrest me?”

“I don’t want to arrest you or see you go to jail. It’s a dangerous place and you really wouldn’t like it. But maybe we can make a deal, you and me, to help you stay a free woman, Edna.”

“Free?” she cackled. “In this place? I can’t walk out the front door without alarm bells ringing.”

That hit Bonham squarely in the chest. He took a deep breath. “I know it’s not easy sometimes.”

She nodded, pursed her lips and crossed skinny arms over her chest, muttering a quiet, nearly inaudible, “No, it ain’t easy.”

He let the silence that followed linger in the room a few moments. “Why did you steal the dentures, Edna?”

She pursed her lips even tighter, then glanced over at May.

“Cuba.”

“How do you mean?” Bonham asked, surprised.

“My…my friend told me they’re poor as mud over there.”

He nodded. “Go on.”

“Well, most of the people are poor as mud there. The uppity-ups and the politicians—not so much.”

“Okay then. Folks are poor in Cuba,” he prompted. “What does that have to do with stealing the dentures?”

For the first time since he had entered the room, Edna smiled. “I send ‘em to Cuba so folks there can chew their food again and have a nice smile. There always a shortage of dentures, you know.

"My friend told me about a place that’ll send ‘em over for free, and the teeth don’t end up on the black market. They go to the folks who need ‘em. No charge."

May spoke up. “But why steal from other residents, Edna?”

She grunted loudly and stared at her as if she was stupid. “These rich old bags in here can afford a new set of choppers, easy. But them people down there can’t! That’s why I take their teeth. It kind of levels the playing field a bit, don't ya think?”

Edna looked back at him. “I try not to take any teeth from the poorer folks in here, Detective. Just rich old dames like Loretta.”

It was all Bonham could do to suppress a grin. They still needed to make a deal.

“That may be so, ma'am, but it’s against the law. And it’s my job to uphold the law. Do you understand that?”

She nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Like I said before, I do have the authority to arrest you. But I also have authority to make a deal.” He paused to let that sink in.

“So, how about this: If you agree to stop stealing people’s dental stuff, I won’t charge you with the crimes you’ve done. You don't go to jail, and the residents can still eat their food. How's that sound?”

“Really?”

“Yes. But if I ever hear of you so much as borrowing a tooth implant without permission, I will come back here and arrest you.” He paused, then said with emphasis, “Do you hear me?”

She nodded mutely, eyes big again. “Okay. That’s no problem.”

“Good. I'm glad to hear it.” He glanced toward May. Her lips had parted slightly in a look of appreciation and surprise. “Is that a satisfactory arrangement for you and Sunset Meadows, Miss Watford?”

She cleared her throat. “Yes. I believe that’s acceptable. Thank you, Detective.”

“Very good.” He flipped his notebook closed, and slipped the pen back into his jacket.

After the meeting, a staff member was waiting to lead Edna away for her supper.

As Bonham watched the old lady shuffle toward the elevator, he felt a certain respect for her motives. He couldn’t condone the methods she’d used, but Edna’s heart certainly seemed to be in the right place about helping the Cubans.

“I hope she holds up her end of the deal,” May said.

“Me too. And just between you and me, I hope those teeth she mailed get to Cuba.”

May turned toward him with a smile. “Thank you so much for dropping by to help us with this, Detective Bonham."

“You are very welcome.” This time, he was the one who extended a hand. They shook on it. “Would you be interested in having dinner with me sometime, May?”

Her eyebrows shot upward in surprise. “You scratched my back, now I scratch yours?”

“No…nothing like that. I just like your style.”

She pursed her lips adorably. “Sure. Why not.”

“I’ll call you. Think I know your number by now.”

Her laugh was music to his ears.

As Bonham walked out the front door of Sunset Meadows, Edna lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t feel like eating supper tonight. The meeting had worn her out and she just wanted to rest awhile.

As she drifted toward sleep, the detective’s warning came to mind.

No more taking dental stuff, or else!

Edna sighed in resignation. That’s what she’d agreed to.

But then an idea occurred to her.

What other supplies do folks in Cuba need? He didn’t say anything about not taking other kinds of supplies.

She grunted, and fell asleep smiling.