Alarming

‘To begin with I will tell you that I am actually a virgin. Well I was before last night anyway.’

Melanie’s doorknob would have had some interesting stories to tell if it could talk. Walls may have ears but the brass door knob had the eyes of the room and played a much more active role in letting Melanie and her guests in and out of her student accommodation. If the door knob were a screenwriter and hoping to impress a producer with a voyeuristic retelling of what it was witnessing currently it would go something like this:

SCENE 1 - BEDROOM - MORNING.

Two people, a woman of university age, and a man in his late twenties, are sleeping happily in a bed together. There is a large window behind the bed with the curtains closed. They are undressed but hidden beneath a doona cover. There can be heard the vibration of a phone alarm from somewhere off-screen. The bedroom is small and littered around the space are numerous academic folders and a laptop. There is a flag on the wall adjacent to the bed with a university crest. Against one wall is a small desk covered with assorted books, stationery and papers. An Ikea lamp is next to the bed on the right hand side where the man is sleeping. The camera pans down to the base of the lamp where a mobile phone that was placed there the night before is buzzing. The phone is sharing company with discarded clothes, a leather satchel, and an empty condom rapper.

Melanie was sick of hearing the phone buzzing. Keeping her body hidden beneath the doona, she climbed over the man who was still unwilling to get up, reached down over him and picked up the phone. She threw it at its owner. This was not enough to wake him and Melanie gave his shoulder an extra jolt. She then kissed him and climbed on top of him. He woke with a smile.

‘I hope you didn’t need an alarm to motivate you to do me again like you did last night’ Melanie said. ‘Sorry what was your name again?’ 

She asked this with no feeling of awkwardness.

‘Oh...Jack. It’s Jack.’ 

Panic now entered Jacks eyes.

‘What time is it?’

Jack picked up the phone and turned off the alarm. Finally the vibrating stopped but this was replaced by the rush of a man late for something important.

‘Holy crap I’ve got to get ready!’

He slipped his body out from under Melanie. Understandably she looked confused at what was happening.

‘Get ready for what? Are you late for something?’

Jack was getting dressed as quickly as he could. He began opening his leather satchel that was on the floor. He carried it to the desk and dropped it on the chair before swiping a space on the desk and began placing various tools down which had been meticulously stored in the different pockets of the bag according to type and size.

‘You could say that’ was all Jack had to say in response.

‘So what you were just going to up and leave me here?’ Melanie asked. Jack was always a blunderer with communication and he only just considered now how his actions would currently look to Melanie.

‘Oh no no no it’s not like that at all. Look I haven’t got much time but I will quickly explain things to you. Well to begin with I will tell you that I am actually a virgin. Well I was before last night anyway.’

Melanie’s face reflexively went to stun setting. Her instinct was to try to control her natural surprise without appearing insensitive or insulting to her one night stand.

‘Really?...Well, I, er, not that there’s anything wrong with that the, I mean the being a virgin thing. Wah, was, wah, what are you doing?’

Jack clearly had greater priorities than discussing his first time because he continued handling his tools and screwing together a cylinder made from various smaller parts.

‘Getting ready.’

‘Getting ready for what?’

‘Well, I kind of need to kill someone.’

‘..What?’

The one word question seemed insufficient to counter the admission of someone who said they were going in for the kill but Melanie was unsure what would have been better terminology to use on such short notice.

As if he had read her mind for the next question Jack pointed from his place of work at the desk towards the window.

‘Yes, just down on that public square there. Your view is perfect.’

‘What, so you just slept with me to shoot someone through that window?’

‘Well, not just someone. That guy who is going to be sitting on that park bench in about...’

He paused to check the time on his phone.

‘ten minutes, he’s really not a nice guy.’

Jack looked now at the fully assembled rifle he had put together on the desk. 

‘Oh not a nice guy? Why? Did he fuck someone to get his spot on the park bench.

Melanie tried to hit Jack from behind on the head and shoulders but was blocked by an expert judo move that left her on the floor. Not that it was violent. Jack obviously knew how to only hurt people when he meant to. He pointed at his weapon on the desk.

‘Stop that! Now, you are a bit angry, I can tell. Yes, I am sorry about having a bit of an extra motive in sleeping with you, don’t get me wrong you are absolutely beautiful and that made this job all the more challenging. But this here is not a toy it is a weapon, a dangerous tool of trade and you shouldn’t do anything that might cause an accident.’

If Jack the almost virgin assassin ever had children he would certainly teach his offspring to treat weapons with respect.

‘So you were a virgin and decided the night before you were going to kill someone that I would be some sort of pre-assassination stress release? Why me?’

‘I told you. Your apartment had the best shooting angle.’ 

‘So you just had sex with me because of the angle my window faced?’

‘Well, yeah that’s pretty much it.’ 

‘And if a guy lived here? What would you have done then?’ 

‘Well I probably would have had to kill him. Male seduction ain’t my thing, not that there’s anything wrong with that.’ 

Like a well-crafted early twentieth century Russian symphony Melanie effortlessly continued the melody that had been playing thus far while quickly jumping to a much higher volume.

‘I hate you! Who the hell even are you?’

‘Well my name is really Jack. I’m sort of an assassin you see and while I am pretty good with a rifle I’m not so good with people. You understand now how I might have been a bit awkward with you when we met.’

‘Well I did think you were a bit strange using two mars bars from a supermarket shelf to do a puppet show.’ 

‘Oh yeah. I got that idea from the Simpsons when Abraham is doing that potato dance which was based on Charlie Chaplin. You remember that episode?’

Melanie gave Jack a blank stare.

‘Never mind it’s not important.’

‘So you think you can just shoot someone from my window?’

‘Well I have to it’s my job. I’m a professional.’ 

‘What if I stop you?’

‘Well, I can’t let you do that. I have a job to do.’

Melanie tried to dive on Jack and remove the assembled rifle away from him. Jack again parried her.

‘Please Melanie, I know the circumstances in which we have met are not ideal. I mean look at us we’ve woken up late, we haven’t had a chance to do anything to get ourselves ready for the day. I mean neither of us have even been to the bathroom let alone had breakfast. I certainly say things I don’t mean when I need to void my bladder. If you need to just go to the bathroom and whatever do so now and once I’ve finished up here we can get breakfast somewhere.’ 

‘How do you know I’m not going to call the police? You’re just going to kill me anyway aren’t you?’

‘Oh no please understand Melanie I don’t want to do that. I really like you and I would love to see you again.’

‘Do you really mean that or is that something you would have said to any girl you seduced.’

‘Definitely not. Once I found out you were the one who lived in this apartment I despaired at first because I thought I could never be with a girl like you. But when I realised that I needed to get close to you to get this job finished it was like a voice from fate was telling me “Jack this is a sign, you’ve been cautious all your life, go for it and make life happen.”’

‘Did it strike you as ironic that taking another life would be the result of that initiative?’

‘Hey, that man who is my target is a criminal. I ask you, do you think loggers ever give consideration to the trees they are cutting down? Thinking about the environmental havoc they cause? There are way too many humans out there anyway. Even the good ones.’ 

It would be a different door knob that would have the eyes on the next scene in this story.

On a different day on a different campus Jack would go into another apartment but with a different girl. It had a similar layout with a bed, desk and books. They began kissing and rushing onto the bed as soon as they got inside.

‘I want you to know that I am new at this and I need you to be patient with me’ Jack said. 

They began kissing again. Jack glimpsed down on the floor where his leather satchel was, the weapon ready to use again the next day. 

‘I bet you say that to every girl you meet’ she responded as she removed her shirt.

‘How could that be? When you are the only one for me.’