DAWN OF THE DEPRANKINATORS

“Sir, sir… if you can spare a minute… I have a petition here… OK. I understand…”

“Madam, may I ask your attention for just a moment? …of course, good bye.”

“Hello, I have an important petition here… if I could have your attention….”

If there had been an organisation called ‘Prankster Anonymous’, I would have been an honorary member, regularly seen at local meetings. I can just imagine the familiar scene:

“Hello, my name is Henry and I am a prankster.”

“Hello, Henry!” (times twelve or more).

“I have been prank-free for five years now - that would be, from directly after the unfortunate accident, which I related to you at our previous meeting…..”

Like the famous Till Eulenspiegel, I was practically born a prankster. It started when my parents discovered that I was a boy, not the girl the sonar scans seemed to have shown. As a child, I pranked everyone: my parents, my siblings, our neighbours, my friends and (especially) my teachers. Most of the time my tricks were very creative and funny – and harmless enough - for people to enjoy and appreciate it.

It all changed when an excellent antic turned tragically wrong (I should have gone to more trouble in finding out about our neighbour’s health condition, before I proceeded). Ironically, the number of emergency vehicles around their house, made it one of my most spectacular attempts, but it tainted my reputation and changed people’s view of me. I resolved to NEVER PRANK ANYONE AGAIN.

Instead, I thought, let me turn my talent into the opposite direction. On the first days of April, I now distribute cheer and hope by doing acts of kindness and reaffirming people’s dignity. I have done that ever since. Quite often, it consists of thwarting other pranksters’ attempts (mostly quite mediocre ones, I must say), or helping restore the equilibrium afterwards. The temptation to reverse their tricks, to target them with their own tomfoolery, is always there, but that would mean me breaking my solemn vow. Disappointing them by undermining their attempts, will have to be enough.

The idea for my MASTERPLAN came to me last April Day like a lightning strike. I realised I can do better. I can set this wretched and warped tradition back in exponential terms. Thus, OPERATION ANTI-FOOL was born.

“I thank you for your time and patience. Let me briefly explain. For all its fun and humour, the amount of damage caused by irresponsible pranks is much, much greater than anyone can ever imagine. Buildings had been set alight, accidents had happened, people had died, relationships had been destroyed. It is just too dangerous to tolerate it any longer.

“And now, in the season of the rampant spread of fake news, people are just too gullible and humourless to even recognise a prank, some witty satire or good, clean fun. Here is my solution….”

Extracts from e-mail:

“To: Secretary General, United Nations, New York, USA

Re: Safety concerns linked with April 1”

“….therefore it is my humble opinion that the council should seriously consider the following suggestions:

a.     29 FEBRUARY could be turned into a regular annual day on the calendar (appearing not only in leap years, but every year);

b.     If the UN could then arrange for 1 APRIL to become the new LEAP DAY, at least 75% of all the misadventures of April Fool’s Day, could thus be eliminated, with huge benefits for world economies, relationships and individuals.

c.      April in non-leap years will thus be starting on the 2nd…”

“My project is already in an advanced stage. I have sent several letters to the secretary general of the UN, as well as to the Royal Observatory at Greenwich, the International Telecommunication Union, the International Astronomical Union, the International Bureau of Weights & Measures and the International Earth Rotation & Reference Systems Service."

“And their answers were…?”

“They mostly judge it as an excellent idea, but they are not sure if the majority of people would prefer it that way – therefore this petition. If I can prove it…”

“And you hope to find enough signatures by stopping people in the streets?”

“No, no. This is but one of my many strategies. I also created a website called deprankinator.com, a big e-mail campaign, links to and from many blogs and websites. It’s just that I cannot sit still; I need to keep busy – so, will you sign?”

Had more people taken me seriously in time…! How much grief could have been spared all of humanity (although 2020 had been a leap year, come to think of it). As with most pranks, it started out quite innocently.

It all began when Lee (of course not his real name) bet Chang (ditto), his teenage friend, that he could devise a plan to have their school in Wuhan shut down for a considerable period of time.

Chang added a condition: to convince the citizens of Wuhan to all wear masks in public. Lee accepted, got onto his Huawei and started this rumour of a super-infectious rogue virus….

How I became implicated in THIS prank of all pranks, I do NOT know. My honest intention was to fight pranks, to lessen their impact. I only wanted to go around doing good – in part as a form of restitution for what I did to poor, late Mr Gordon, in part as a way to prevent similar things happening to other people. How on earth did my name became connected to my fellow-inmates’, Lee and Chang, who had precisely the opposite goal in mind – although, I must say, with equally innocent intent?

If we ever get out of this situation, if the International Court of Justice in The Hague declare us “not guilty” (me or they or all of us) or we are set free, somewhere in future, or find ways to continue our crusade from prison, I have this comfort:

Lee and Chang have promised to join my cause. Although they never could have predicted (nor could anybody else) how such mere suggestions could lead to millions falling prey to the most devastating psychosomatic ailment of all times, they are most seriously repentant.

We foresee legions of concerned citizens taking up the case:

LET APRIL FIRST BE LEAP DAY EVERMORE!