The Fine Print

“So, what’s the catch?”

To be honest, he was getting ready to go out that night and did not expect that he would have to deal with such nonsense after making the offer, but nothing ever worked out the way he expected it to with these people. There was always some small little problem that was never anticipated. All these years and all those surprises…

“I beg your honest pardon?”

“Honest, right… What I mean is…what is it that I’m missing? I mean, here you are with a great offer and it looks pretty straightforward on paper, but when you get a great deal, you have to ask what the other side is getting. Two to my one; ten to my two. That sort of thing.”

“It is just an offer. Call it a gift.”

“No, no. Not a gift. A gift is something that can be returned if things go wrong. This does not feel like something that can be returned to customer service.”

He laughed despite his annoyance. “‘Customer service.’” He mocked the man in a perfect mimic of his voice and cadence. “Why would anyone want to return this? I am offering you what some of your people kill and rob for and you wonder if you should take it?”

“Yes, even more so now that you mention human nature. There must be something in the fine print that I have missed.”

He had a long sigh, turned to the contract, and stared at the space for the man’s signature. The pen lay beside the bottle of ink, just waiting to be dipped and brought to the page.

“Okay, let’s start at the beginning…”

*

It was a beautiful afternoon, with the sun shining out and allowing the city to enjoy the end of a very long winter without a cloud in the sky. This was the reason why he appeared there that day. The office was waiting for him to open up and accept whoever appeared with their problems. It was the best time of the year.

Problems… Mr. Howard Lainy had them. He was a father of two children, a former spouse to a rather ungrateful woman who was cheating on him long before leaving him, working for a company that was being taken apart on the market, and carrying around a rather weak heart. He knew about Mr. Lainy for a very long time. And a beautiful spring day was the perfect time to meet.

“I handle contracts like this one all the time. ‘Party of the first part promises party of the second part,’ etc… And that is why I came in here to make a deal with the Devil.”

He blinked when he heard the word. “Say what now?”

“Please,” he leaned forward in the broken office chair, almost placing his elbows on the blotter. “Who else would show up like this out of the blue and just offer to help out random strangers? You are in the worst part of town at the end of a very long and cold winter. You have people outside that cannot get any help from any other organization. And the name of this place…” He looked at a business card on the desk. “‘A Place for You’? What are you selling here, Hallmark Cards?”

Mr. Lainy leaned back.

“So, let’s talk.”

*

By the time the rush hour ended, most of the people in the line were gone. Some attempted to open the double doors and wondered why they had not noticed the electronic lock that buzzed and sparked when they tried to force it open. It was not worth it for many of them to stay, not even the very desperate who were facing unemployment, violence, even more poverty. People who could take time off on a weekday and ask for help needed help. They needed so many things. He had helped so many over so many years. And then there were people like Mr. Lainy.

Howard was not a lawyer; he had that great advantage and he was a rather decent man. He always respected the ones who took the time to think about things before they signed (last one was a woman who’s son was sick and certain to die; that was a hard one to corrupt). But at least he did not have to deal with a lawyer today. He could have set up his own office in the middle of those firms and done quite well. But here he was, in the middle of a rough part of town hoping that he would do a lot of business today. But no, not today… He had Howard.

“I see, I see… You are right to read over everything before you sign. For so many years, I have just held out the pen and had them scribble away. Only recently have people been smart enough to… Well, you know.”

“So, I’m right.”

“Yes,” he answered, leaning back under the fluorescent lights and bumping against the faded green cabinets. “I am who I am.”

“The Devil...”

“Please, let’s keep this private.” He looked at the dark street and the few people looking through the dirty glass and broken blinds. “Using my name in this context never ends well.”

“Well, that I know. I have read the stories…”

“And seen a lot of movies and television?”

Mr. Lainy had a small giggle at that. Behind him, some street lights began to flicker and turn on. The traffic was starting to die down, both on the road and sidewalk. A few people had left.

“Too much television and film. Not much else to do in my free time. I do wonder, though, if you have seen a lot of them.”

He looked at Mr. Lainy very carefully, his eyes staring into this sad human life that was almost under contract.

“Son of a bitch.”

“Not quite. Just one of the lucky ones who get to check up on you.”

He knew that they were out there. What were they called on this plain? The Watchers? The Keepers? They were always on the lookout for him and made his job so much more difficult now.

“I am going to close things up.”

“Yes, I know. And you are going to write these things out in plain language next time. A contract is a contract and we can’t stop you from making one, but we need to protect our own. And your fine print…” Mr. Lainy stood up with the document, pushing the ink bottle and pen out of the way. “This is a real joke.”

He watched as Mr. Lainy picked up his briefcase and walked to the doors, letting them open without a touch.

“See you soon.”

Respect, he thought. He always wanted some and could not always get it. At least someone was looking at the fine print. And he could see that there was no catch.