Just Say It

Just Say It

Looks like we’re back in our usual spot. It’s been a while since we’ve sat here together.

Well, after last time…

Sorry about that. I’ll try not to put my foot in it this time.

Sometimes, the things you say… you’re like a big elephant.

I don’t mean to be.

I know you don’t. Other than that, I love sitting here with you. It’s such a peaceful spot – what with the bridge, and swans floating by.

Don’t forget the rats. There’s plenty of them about too. One scurried under this bench when I was sitting here on my own the other day.

Trust you to go and spoil things.

What do you mean?

Bringing a rat into it. I was thinking more of Monet’s bridge with the waterlilies floating beneath it. What did you do?

About what?

The rat.

Nothing. He just popped his head round to say hello. Fortunately, by then I’d finished my sandwich. I shuffled my legs and off he scarpered. But what’s wrong with rats? They’re like mice – only bigger.

They are not like mice. They have those awful long tails. Urgh! Then there’s the fact they carry all kinds of diseases. Like the bubonic plague.

I’ll grant you that.

Not like a water vole.

You look all dreamy when you say that! How would you even know the difference?

A water vole is sweeter than a rat. It has a round friendly face, a short tail, and teeny ears. And it’s all furry.

A rat is furry too.

But a vole is cute. Think of “Wind in the Willows.”

You’re thinking of Ratty. Another rat.

Oh, you know what I mean. Endearing characters.

I’ve never read it so I wouldn’t know.

Neither have I. I keep meaning to read it but never do. But back to water voles. Maybe the reason we never see one is because they’re fast becoming an endangered species.

Why’s that?

All the rubbish that gets thrown into our rivers, no doubt. That, and loss of habitat.

Well, there’s plenty of hideouts for all manner of creatures here.

Even badgers?

You’re fascinated by badgers, aren’t you?

They’re just so elusive. Rather like you.

I can’t help it if I need a lot of space.

Do you think badgers could make a home here on the riverbank?

Probably not. Not private enough. They need to be able to dig deep in the ground to make their burrows.

They’re mostly nocturnal, aren’t they?

I believe so.

Again, like you. They’re a protected species. Under some act, you’re not allowed to wilfully kill them or set about destroying a sett if it’s in your garden.

What happens if you deliberately kill one?

Possible imprisonment for six months.

Really?

Surprising, isn’t it? Dear little things.

They’re not that dear and they’re not that little! Look. On the internet it says they’ve been known to attack humans even when they’re trying to help them. It’s not a good idea to handle one, unless you know what you’re doing.

Have you still got that hedgehog in your garden?

I haven’t seen him for a while.

I daresay he’s hibernating.

Probably.

Do you remember that snake we saw on the river a while back?

Not likely to forget something like that. It was fascinating to watch, even if it did seem out of context. I always think of snakes as creatures that glide through the grass, not go swimming in the river. If you can call it swimming. I’ve only ever seen grass snakes round here.

You have to admit it looked kind of weird moving through the water with its head sticking out. A bit menacing.

Only if you don’t like snakes.

I wonder how many times we’ve sat here since we’ve known one another.

I don’t know. A lot, probably.

I used to spend my break here on my own before…

Before what?

Well…

Well, what?

Before you came along.

Did you?

Yup.

It’s certainly a great spot. Shall I take a picture of us sitting here on my phone?

If you like.

Not in the mood?

You’ve taken a lot of pictures of us together. On our outings. I mean don’t get me wrong – I love the pictures and videos you’ve taken, but it’s nice to sit quietly sometimes.

True. Fancy sharing a drink?

Go on, then.

Wonder what’s happened to the heron’s nest.

That’s much further along the river. Below the town’s main bridge. Anyway, it wouldn’t be nesting at this time of year.

It’s not there at all now. That part of the river has flooded onto the island bit where it had its nest.

I thought that was where the swan’s nest was.

Well, whatever it was. There was a grey stork-like creature that seemed to spend a lot of time hanging out there.

There’s been so much rain lately, it’s not surprising the heron’s home has disappeared. I wonder where it’s gone.

I saw it not far from here two days ago.

Did you? That’s good.

We’ve had some great times, haven’t we?

Yeah. Really great. You know, I used to feel so lonely before you came.

Did you? Well, it’s not always easy back at the hell hole. There’s a lot of interruptions and stress. Really, we never get a moment’s peace. I find it hard when you’re not there.

Me too.

You’ve been awesome.

Have I? Even when I bug the hell out of you.

Usually, it’s me who’s bugging you.

Aside from that, it’s great having someone to share things with. I haven’t been able to do that with anyone for a long time. 

Where do you fancy going on our next outing? It needs to be somewhere we haven’t been before.

Does it? I quite like going to the same places.

But it’s nice to try somewhere new.

It is, but it doesn’t really matter. I enjoy your company wherever we end up.

I wish we could spend more time together.

Me too.

You know there was a time when….

I know. I didn’t expect you to.

Anyway, I just can’t go there again.

I know. But just out of interest, why not exactly?

You know why.

Yeah.

I’m not sure I can go there. Now.

Why not?

Take a look at me!

I’m looking at you.

What do you see?

If only you knew! You’ll have me blubbing in a minute.

Ah! No need for that.

We’ve always been honest with each other, haven’t we? Even when it’s not been easy. I see someone who is kind, talented and a lot of fun. And let’s face it, you’re pretty easy on the eye too.

Not anymore. Not since…

When I first met you, girls were practically falling over themselves to get near you. In fact, one nearly did. I’ve never told you this before, but it happened not long after I first met you. We were outside the pub that’s now closed – I’ve forgotten the name of it.

The Fish and Hook.

That’s it. Anyway, it must have been a summer’s day because I remember they had drawn the tables up outside. Or maybe I’ve got bit that wrong. Maybe you were sitting there on your own. No, that was another time.

Make your mind up, girl.

Hang on. I’ll get it right in a minute. Yeah, got it. We were sitting there at the table and this girl was passing by, and she nearly fell over because she couldn’t take her eyes off you.

Really? I didn’t notice.

You wouldn’t. Anyway, it struck me at the time.

Maybe I looked ok once. I was often mistaken for being younger. But now, what with …

Don’t say that. You still look good. And it’s not all about looks. Looks are nothing without personality. You’ve got that in spades. You don’t see yourself as others see you.

Does anyone? Anyway, you know my feelings about -

About what?

Stuff.

Don’t I just? We never speak about… It’s like we made a pact.

Speak about what?

The elephant that stands between us.

Which one?

What do you mean, which one?

Theres more than one. I have to be careful what I say sometimes.

Rightly so. I mean the one that’s so big, we spend most of our time trying not to trip over it.

Oh, that one.

Sometimes I can’t believe you. You can’t have forgotten.

Hardly. But it was a long time ago.

Seems like a lifetime. A lot’s happened since then.

That’s true.

Just like you to bury your head in the sand and think everything in the garden is rosy. Even when…

You do that too.

Not like you. You don’t want to see the thorns. Don’t you ever feel lonely?

All the time.

Well then… oh, what’s the point? We’re just going round in our usual circles.

I think I know what you’re saying, but I don’t want to put my foot in it and say the wrong thing.

No, best not.

Anyway, I’ve probably got too many problems for…

I don’t deny it’s difficult. Life can’t always be all fluffy and sweet.

Tell me about it. Life sucks.

I really do wish we were able to spend more time together though.

That would be great.

Erm…

What?

 You know that time when you said what you said after I said…

Erm… think so.

It nearly killed me.

I’m sorry. You’re the last person I’d ever want to hurt. I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

I can’t think what came over me.

Maybe you were on the rebound from Sid.

No, I don’t think that was it.

Did you hear what I just said?

Which part?

About not ruining a friendship. Isn’t it better to have a great friend rather than a crappy relationship?

I agree, but sometimes it’s just too hard going on in the same old way. It doesn’t allow for growth. Here we are surrounded by nature. That doesn’t stay stagnant. It’s always changing. Growth can be a good thing, you know.

That’s true.

I want to say…

Go on, spit it out.

I can’t. Even though I want to.

Go on. Just say it.

You’re…

I’m what?

Nothing.

I’m nothin?

If only you knew.

Say it.

No. And don’t make me. I can’t say it again.

Please. I need to hear it. I’m not like you. I struggle with words. Always have.

I… now I’m struggling with them.

Has the middle word got four letters in it.

You mean like f—k?

Now you’re being crude.

Well, it’s not my fault if…

Sorry.

Let’s just start again.

Ok.

Is nobody going to say it?

What do you mean is nobody going to say it? We’re the only two here. Excluding the rats. Would it be easier if I said it this time?

It would. I can’t face a second humiliation. I don’t want make a fool of myself again.

You didn’t make a fool of yourself. I just wasn’t in that place. Then. Anyway, it starts with I, ends in you, and the middle word is love.

Do you mean it?

What?

That you love me?

I’ve always loved you.

As a friend?

More than that.

Really?

Really.

That’s a relief. I feel happy.

I love seeing you like that.

So happy.

I know what you’ve been thinking, but for me it’s been a slow burn.

Whereas for me, it was a flame.

So long as it hasn’t fizzled out.

No. Not completely.

Oh no! What a fool I’ve been. Is it too late?

You tell me.

We could at least give it a try.

What? Like… you mean, go on a date or something?

Why not? That’s if you want to. We could pretend we don’t know each other, start from scratch.

We could get all dressed up.

Now you’re talking.

But take things slowly. I know you scare easily.

We’ll definitely have to take things slowly. With my dodgy hip.

I’m scared, Jack.

That makes two of us, Val. But like you always say, if we do what we’ve always done, we’ll do what we’ve always done.

You do listen to what I say, after all.

More than you know.

We’ll be alright, won’t we? We’ve always trusted one another.

The one thing that’s never changed.