My Older Sister, Elaina

A/N: I don't want to include a spoiler, but you can read my comment on this story if you don't mind :)

The first time I saw her, I remembered nothing but blinding brightness and light. I was hardly a few hours old, swaddled in soft blankets, and brought to my older sister, Elaine for her to see. I was just getting used to the outside world, yet, I remember the smile that lit up her face when she saw me. She was only four, but she promised to be the best sister to me.

She was there for me from the very first second.

My older sister Elaina was my first companion

My first friend, my first secret-keeper, and my first partner in mischief

She'd always have time for me, even if it meant missing other things. She'd try to teach me how to spell different words, never losing patience even if I got it wrong.

"El-ai-nah." She'd say slowly, "That's my name, now say it: El-ai-nah."

"Ey-nah!" I'd squeal, but she'd still gasp as if I'd said it right, holding me close and exclaiming what a smart little sister I was. Then we'd both erupt into peals of laughter, rocking on the ground with joy.

Some of the best stories are told,

through midnight during sleepovers

Elaina took me to my first sleepover. She'd managed to sneak me into her friend's house without our parents noticing. I still remember all the fun we had that night. At first, I was intimidated by all the older girls there, but it didn't take long me to feel at home.

We watched one really scary movie, cowering inside blankets and peering through gaps in our fingers. Half of us screamed whenever it got too frightening and I think I wet myself a little. 

We spent the rest of the night  awake, whispering and giggling. It felt very important to be with these tall, nine-year-old girls while I was only five. By morning, I felt giddy from exhaustion but I didn't mind. 

Elaina took me trick-or-treating every year. The first time, I remember she was dressed as a vampire with sharp painted teeth and black robes, but I was a sparkly little fairy, complete with a silver wand and pointed shoes. All the adults cooed when they saw my cute outfit, and graciously handed us all the candy we wanted.

Elaina gave all my favorite chocolates to me so I could add on to my overflowing collection. She did that every year, selecting only a few, handing me the rest, and smiling to herself when she saw me squeal at all the candy I had.

I wish I'd given her some of my own candy in turn.

I wish I'd done my best to make her happier.

Ask me why I love baking 

Ask me a million times

But my answer shall remain the same.

It was only because of Elaina.

"C'mon, I'll show you how to bake." She called me over one evening when our parents were out, "I think you'll like it."

At first, eight-year-old me was a little skeptical. Why would a kid want to bake anyway? I'd often tasted what Elaina came up with, and her cakes always made me want more, but I hardly thought I'd be of any use in the kitchen. 

Elaina brought out all the ingredients and showed me how to mix the batter and whisk the cream. She told me that measurement was vital and all the steps needed to be followed with care. I helped her with a few things and watched in amazement as our batter solidified into a smooth golden-brown cake.

My sister let me taste the first bite and as the delicious cake crumbs unfurled on my tongue, a smile blossomed on my lips. She congratulated me on my first successful baked cake, but young though I was, I knew it was all Elaina's work.

If I consider myself lucky, it's all because of my older sister.

She was my guide, my mentor, my ray of sunshine.

"We're sorry, honey." Said my mother, "Your dad and I have pressing matters at work. We won't be able to make it to your play."

“But it’s really important, mom.” I said, my spirits sinking, “Are you sure you won’t be able to come?”

I spent the rest of the evening mooning about and thinking how all my friends would have someone to see them perform at our play, and I would be the only one without anyone. 

“I’ll come, Nina.” said Elaina, when she heard of the news, “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

And as sure as her word, my older sister was one of the first in the audience to arrive. She helped dress me up in my costume and put on my makeup, she made all the butterflies in my stomach go away, and I saw her beaming face when I appeared on stage to play my part.

I’m glad to say that the play turned out to be a success.

It all started when I was twelve.

As we grew older, something made Elaina want to escape home and be with her friends all the time. She barely came home, because when she did, she would always have a million responsibilities. I saw her friends a few times, and they weren't those friendly nine-year-old girls. They encouraged her to skip classes, cheat during tests and exams, and do far worse things. 

They were bigger, badder, and meaner, especially to me. 

"Who's that pipsqueak?" One of them asked when I had followed Elaina out one evening, "The little kid?"

"I am Elaina's younger sister." I had the audacity to say. 

"Clear off," said a second person, "This is no place for you."

"Yeah, run away, little kid." 

"And don't come here ever again."

I turned to Elaina, a ray of hope showing on my face, thinking she would defend me and tell me to stay, like all the times she had when we were younger. 

But she didn’t meet my gaze: “Go away, Nina.”

I didn’t move. Was it really my older sister, Elaina, telling me to clear off? Was it the same person who had taken me to my first game, my first sleepover, my first day at middle school?

I knew Elaina was getting influenced, but I was too afraid to tell her. No one showed her the right way, either. I wish I had gathered my courage and told her outright that she was getting worse. 

I should have told her then, when it still wasn't too late. 

But I didn't, and that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. 

The older we became,

The further apart we grew.

I wish it had been the other way around

Elaina became sadder and sadder every day. She barely spoke to me, and even if I approached her, she would walk away. She quarreled more often with our parents, and I would sit in my room in partial darkness, sucking my thumb and waiting for the worst to get over. She got grounded more, but as she grew older, punishments weren't enough.

One day, our parents told her she'd have to move out.

"But she's only seventeen!" I said, "How will she survive out on her own?"

No one wanted to hear me out. They all thought Elaina was this uncontrollable teen, but I knew my sister better than that. 

Why do rainy days seem to hold all the sadness?

All the misery, all the darkness in the world?

Elaina moved out on a rainy day, taking only a small suitcase with her. She was to live in a lodging with a cousin a few miles away and attend university from there. My parents were stiff on her parting, but not me.

“Promise you’ll be in touch,” I said when the taxi came to pick her up, “Promise you’ll visit, call, and speak to me everyday.”

“I will, I will,” Elaina said, not sounding like herself. She loaded her bag in the trunk car and gave a little wave through the misty windows.

I should have called for her, followed her and pulled her back in. I should have refused to let her leave. I should have done everything within my power to make her stay.

But I didn't. I only stood motionless and watched as the car disappeared down the foggy lanes of the city. 

A few years went by, and we talked on the phone, but the conversations always lasted no more than a few minutes, and Elaina always seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere else. It simply wasn’t the same anymore. She no longer asked me how things were going on, and we no longer shared secrets. It felt more like a talk between strangers. It felt like something between us had been… shattered. 

Sometimes, you take things for granted...

The last time I ever spoke to my older sister was when we fought. A heated argument with words and insults flung at one another over the phone without mercy. I was seventeen, with high expectations, and she was over twenty, her life majorly unknown to me. 

I told her it was all her fault that our parents had to send her away, and she told me if I hadn't been such a big baby, perhaps she would have wanted to stay. I gave her a caustic retort and she returned with another. 

She told me she wouldn't visit us at home on her twenty-first birthday the next week and that she’d rather be somewhere else that day. 

"Fine, be somewhere else!" And I hung up on her, seething. 

* * *

It was an ominous night. I was all alone at home, staring at the darkness through the dusty windows. I didn't want to do anything else, because it was Elaina's twenty-first birthday, and she wasn't with me. I'd called her so many times, but her phone was switched off.

I paced the floor, my mind humming. Why wasn't she picking up? Why didn't she respond?

The sound of my phone ringing snapped me back into the present and I rushed to answer it, my heart thumping. Was it Elaina? Was she calling in to tell everything was okay? 

It was an unknown number. 

"It's the social services speaking." Said a voice from the other end, "Is this Elaina Martin's parent?"

"I'm her sister, Nina." I said. 

"It's about Elaina." Said the woman, and I think I heard her swallow.

"Yes?" 

"She's- she's dead."

...And you realize it only when you don't have them anymore

She was gone, just like that - a windy day, an outing with her friends for her birthday, her straying too close to the cliff, and slipping on a patch of moss… 

No one found her body.

I stayed in my room the next few days, a huge wreck. I thought of all the wonderful times we had had together, all the ways she had helped me growing up, and all the memories we had shared. 

I thought of the way we drifted apart and the way we had argued over the call that day.

I wish I had been better to her. I wish I'd given back all she deserved. 

I wish I had done everything to help her when things had gone downhill. 

But it was too late.

She was twenty-one years old

Her name was 'Elaina'

Elaina, which meant 'light'

She was the best sister I could ever have

But without my sister to guide me, there was no light. 

There was only darkness.