Portly Scribe Aforementioned : Canon Fodder

“Portly Scribe Aforementioned requests admittance in order to complete parchment entries relating to King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme for one Jenner Sapper.”

Intellectual Dabrowski, one of the five overexcitable Dabrowski Dogs, (who were Little Plump Jo’s writing companions), had organized an audition to determine the characters Jo would be needing for her Arthurian stories. Ever since the audition there had been a steady stream of visitors to Malory Tennyson’s Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies by characters who were not part of the Arthurian canon but had already been introduced to Jo by Imaginational Dabrowski and included in her stories during her time as Artisan in Residence. These characters wanted to remind Jo of their existence and seek the opportunity of making further appearances in her tales.

There was Thurifer Dwarf the Exwyrminator who had put in a brief appearance when his cart was seized by Lancelot, who intended to use it to relocate an unconscious wyrm dragon from the garden surrounding the Tower on the Island of Shalott to a sanctuary. Thurifer Dwarf usually was an exterminator of insect pests and insisted that he would only let the dragon be carried in his cart if Lancelot rode in the cart with it, ready to bap it if it woke up. Lancelot had refused to ride in the cart because a knight riding in a cart would be a felon going to his execution. The argument became a moot point when the wyrm woke up and attacked and Thurifer Dwarf had taken the opportunity to make good his escape. Intellectual Dabrowski assured Malory Tennyson that the incident did not replace Sir Lancelot’s rescue of Queen Guinevere using a cart; but was merely a precursor, to demonstrate the indignity of knights riding in carts.

Imaginational Dabrowski, however, had already foreseen the aftermath of the rescue story, with Thurifer Dwarf decorating his cart with insects shaped like fleur de lys and the words As used in the rescue of Queen Guinevere. This was a story yet to be written and Thurifer Dwarf wanted to remind Jo to include him when the time came.

Malory Tennyson found it interesting that the Artisans in Residence in Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies tended to add characters of their own. Some of these characters then were recognized by future writers and were accepted into the Arthurian canon. For example, T.H. White had introduced Wart as a nickname for King Arthur, Merlin’s owl, Archimedes, Lancelot’s squire, Dap, and several others. Imaginational Dabrowski had introduced several new characters to Little Plump Jo’s writings. They gave Malory much amusement; though he did not think any of them would ever be regarded as canon!

Portly Scribe Aforementioned proved to be a scribe who had dealings with Lancelot on a few occasions.

“He must be a relative of Hermit of the Forest Aforementioned, who appeared several time in Howard Pyle’s book.” said Intellectual Dabrowski, nodding his head wisely.

Portly Scribe had met Lancelot when recording data of visits to the court physicians for King Arthur’s newly launched Medical Benefits Scheme. The interactions had never gone smoothly and the paperwork had never been completed.

“I need to speak with Jenner Sapper.” Portly Scribe Aforementioned said, looking around Cloudbank Cabin.

“Nobody here with that name.”

“Jenner Sapper is not a Canon Character. Is he one of your introduced people, Imaginational?” asked Malory Tennyson.

“No, he is more like an Error in Translation!” replied Imaginational.

“That’s him – over there by the window - the goodliest man who ever amongst ladies ate in hall – the one with the broad clear brow and the coal black curls. That’s Jenner Sapper!” stated Portly Scribe Aforementioned.

Lancelot was torn between making his escape through the window or facing his accuser.

“Je ne me suis jamais appelé Jenner Sapper” he muttered to himself.

He decided that quibbling with the wording was the solution and attack was the best form of defense.

He turned from the window and stated firmly “I have never called myself Jenner Sapper!”

“But you are him. You are the one I need to interview. Do you want to go somewhere private to discuss these matters?” asked Portly Scribe Aforementioned.

“I do not ! I am not the person you seek.”

“Very well. We must address these issues here and now then. King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme is refusing to pay for the treatments you received from the Royal Physicians at Camelot on the grounds that:

1 You did not sign the joining agreement form

2 You failed to disclose a pre-existing medical condition

3 You overstayed the prescribed recovery time

“Are these things which Jenner Sapper did?”

“They are things which you did. Why did you not sign the agreement form?”

“I could not, in good conscience, sign at that time because my true full name and title as the heir to the throne of Benoic had not been ratified.”

“Is that why you claimed to be Jenner Sapper?”

“I never claimed to be called Jenner Sapper. You decided to call me that despite my protests.”

“You failed to disclose a pre-existing medical condition. You replied ‘No’ when asked if you had any pre-existing conditions.”

“What do you say I failed to disclose?”

“Are you sure you want to discuss this here and now, with all these people listening?”

“Whatever you think I did not disclose, I had my fingers crossed when I answered!”

“And what about overstaying the prescribed recovery time of bed rest in the private care of King Arthur’s personal physician, Morgan Todd?”

“I was being treated for a shoulder wound and dizziness resulting from being poisoned by a Flame Crested Copper Bellied Wyrm Dragon. I chose to take the recovery periods consecutively rather than concurrently.”

Little Plump Jo wondered whether there had been any truth in the story in the Scandal Sheets news column What the Lady’s Maid Saw which hinted at a love affair between Sir Lancelot du Lac and Queen Guinevere, the wife of King Arthur Pendragon.

The article was titled “The Queen and the Heir to the throne of Benoic”

It read:

A palace insider tells us that Queen Guinevere, daughter of King Leodegrance of Cameliard, the beautiful young treaty bride of that silver fox, His Majesty King Arthur of Camelot, disputed King of All Britain, has been spending extended periods in the company of Sir Lancelot du Lac, the handsome young heir to the throne of Benoic, who is being treated in Camelot by the King’s Physician and by the Court Advisor, Merlin.

He is said to be suffering from black out episodes which are said to be the result of Wyrm Dragon poisoning. His condition has now been revised from serious to convalescent. We ask, do all visiting princes have the royal hand soothing their brow or have her fingers running through their curls?

And we ask, is this convalescence lasting rather longer than expected?

“I contend that the dizziness was not caused solely by the poisoning; that in fact you are being treated by Merlin for a related pre-existing illness which you did not disclose” stated Portly Scribe Aforementioned.

“If that were the case that would be considered alternative medicine treatments which are not covered by King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme anyway” retorted Lancelot.

“I am here to expedite the completion and signing of these parchments and to inform you that you will be charged in full for services already rendered and incur either an extended waiting period for future services or the possibility of being deemed not eligible for membership.”

Lancelot was becoming agitated. “Who are you to challenge me? His dark eyes flashed and he waved his arms around. Little Plump Jo was quite alarmed at the prospect of a sword fight happening right there in Cloudbank Cabin.

“Wow, with a temper like that he is a bit of a loose cannon!” Jo said with a nervous laugh.

“An anachronistic example of paronomasia!” Intellectual Dabrowski explained to the perplexed characters in the cabin. “An out of time PUNchline if you will!”

“Now see here!” Lancelot yelled “If you challenge me – I challenge you – and be aware, you challenge the right arm of King Arthur!”

“I AM King Arthur!” called out King Arthur and both he and Lancelot burst out laughing and thumped each other on the shoulders. Apparently now that Arthur and Lancelot were best friends, the circumstances of their first meeting had become an ongoing joke. The humour dispelled the tension somewhat.

It also signaled a warning to both men. If Lancelot could defeat King Arthur himself, a mere scribe (a portly one at that) would stand no chance and Lancelot should refrain from using violence against people he (often wrongly) perceived were challenging him.

“Reference Camelot - the musical Act 1” explained Intellectual Dabrowski and everyone else in the cabin laughed.

“I imagine this is all just a misunderstanding – maybe a language issue – he is French you know” King Arthur said trying to smooth things over.

“No, Arthur. There is no misunderstanding, on my side anyway. He says some Jenner Sapper did all these things. He says I am Jenner Sapper. I say I am not Jenner Sapper and have never been known as Jenner Sapper.”

“Why do you believe this man is Jenner Sapper? “ asked King Arthur.

“Because he said he was when I asked his name.” Portly Scribe unfurled a parchment transcript of the interaction. “I said What is your name? And he said…”

“I said Je ne sais pas because I did not know the correct title and form of my name. And before I could explain further he wrote Jenner Sapper”

“Then the patient became very agitated,” Portly Scribe read from the parchment, “and started yelling Non, Non, Non!”

“At that point you should have called for a translator,” said King Arthur.

“We did. We asked if he required the services of a translator and he said, ‘Non But obviously you do!’ But we brought in a translator anyway, and when we asked the translator what his name was, the translator replied I do not know.”

“Very well then!” said Lancelot with a deflated sigh. “I will fill out an application form for King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme with full disclosure with my fingers crossed, knowing that I may not be accepted or I may incur longer waiting periods or increased penalties.

Then his face brightened and he added “On second thoughts, I will not apply at all and just take my chances. At present, I can afford to cover any medical expenses I may have with my tournament winnings. My only concern about doing that is that it may be made compulsory to be covered by King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme in order to compete in the tournaments.”

“But whatever the case, I shall now graciously cover the costs of Jenner Sapper’s treatments.”