When a House is Not a Home

I do not get nightmares because every waking second I’m filled with a cold tingle down my spine. The sanctuary of my home has turned into a dark, fear inducing black hole. My hand starts to shake as I turn the key. A drop of sweat trickles down my neck. The door creaks open. 

“Surprise!”

Countless faces with gaping grins are staring at me. I muster a small smile as I’m led by arms and hands through a corridor so long that it begins to feel like an optical illusion. All of my senses feel attacked; my eyes attempt to adjust to flickering party lights, I try not to breathe in the musty alcohol smell, and the multiple yelling voices layered on the insufferable pop music makes my ears feel like they’re going to bleed. Even so, my eyes begin scanning the floor for it. 

“Hi, honey, how was job hunting? I hope you liked the surprise!”

Somehow I’m now in the kitchen so profound that sometimes there’s an echo when you’re by yourself, talking to yourself. I refocus on my beautiful wife, “oh, Alexa, thanks so much, but I’m really tired, anyway we can ask everyone to leave early?” I instantly regret my question. Alexa’s gorgeous smile morphs to a frown covering half her face and she averts her mesmerizing blue eyes. 

“Babe” - my biggest pet peeve is when she calls me babe- “I thought this party might be good for you, you’ve been so on edge these past, well, two years, to be honest, and I wanted to do something extra special. Oh, I almost forgot! Home, wash dishes.” The dishwasher begins to hum.

I feel even worse when she pulls my tie towards her so we can kiss. I grab her soft hands and caress them for a second before taking a deep breath. “Of course, thank you. I’m going to make the rounds and greet everyone.” 

I leave Alexa to tend to the birthday cake I barely glanced at (I think I saw some pink?) and exit. I hadn’t realized my vendetta had been effecting Alexa. I’m surprised Alexa even noticed at all how tense I’ve become. For her sake, this ends tonight.

***

As people begin to seep out of the house at the end of the night I plot. Alexa went to bed early after my fiasco breaking the door of our wine cellar because it wouldn’t open at my command. 

I haven’t seen that thing all night but I’m sure it was nearby the whole time, watching me. With Alexa drunk upstairs she won’t wake up in case the altercation escalates. This can work. 

The bluetooth enabled axe feels uncharacteristically heavy in my hands. Every time I see it in the garage I remember asking Alexa why we needed an axe and why it needed bluetooth. I shake off the memory; this isn’t the time to get distracted. I have let myself digress into an infantile stage in the last two years. It has made me jump at the slightest sound, made me afraid to be in my own home. If a man can’t feel safe in his own home it begins to erode every other part of their life. I crack my neck remembering that I lost my job six months ago. 

I make sure not to walk on the known creak spots in the floor as I search for my mortal enemy. I walk into the ominous living room. I command the lights on. This room is anxiety ridden, with hanging diamond structures that resemble icicles and 3D portraits of people I don’t know, but who’s disturbing stares force me to look away. As I examine this potential battleground I realize this house is not my turf. I question if I ever belonged here and begin to tear up. 

Before I can fully absorb my revelation I hear a beeping sound behind me. I whip around. There it is. The round robotic vacuum cleaner looks like a sleek armored Sauron with its one roaming red eye scanning for dirty messes. Its makers call it Maiden. The vacuum cleaner turns on the mop function, even though I didn’t utter a word or command anything, and the soap water combo ejects. I slip on the hardwood floors and land on my back. Thankfully, the axe remains firm in my grip. The Maiden whirs away before I can swing at it. I use this opportunity to stand back up and throw my wet shoes off. “You coward!” Maiden beeps, like it’s mocking me. As I’m about to exit the living room an icicle falls from the ceiling. It’s remains scatter around me and I realize the one that fell landed where I had just been on the ground. 

I gulp and make my way to the office. What a waste of space. Alexa insisted on this goddamn room she never even uses. I knock over some unread books on the endless shelves. This room is so sterile; white walls, white furniture, empty books. I feel like I’m locked in an asylum. I spy Maiden in the corner. I swing with everything I have, slightly elated with each whack I miss that hits the room itself, like life is finally being acknowledged here, even if the principal emotion the room is evoking now is anger. Maiden releases its Swiffer like function and I trip over the head of the Swiffer, banging my head on the desk. Alexa did say Maiden is like the Swiss knife of cleaning supplies. The axe feels heavier in my hand and the room begins to spin.

I’m determined to make this rampage of mine worth it. On my way out of the office I support myself on the doorway. Where did Maiden get to now? I find myself making my way to the kitchen. I notice the half of my pink birthday cake that had not been eaten out on the counter. It looks like someone took a big bite. I could’ve sworn I put it in the fridge before everyone left.

“Hello, Brian.”

The fridge lights up- it's greeting me. Maiden is nowhere nearby. 

“We just want to talk.”

The once fathomless kitchen now feels suffocating. I look for an exit but all doors are closed. I command the doors to open. They don’t open. 

“Like I said, we just want to talk.”

I have no choice but to engage. “Who’s we?”

“I’m sure you expect a name. My creators labeled me Artificial Intelligence Home System LL-329. Does that work?”

“What do you want from me?”

“Such simple questions, Brian.”

I let go of the axe, now realizing its increasing heaviness was due to the bluetooth connection it shared- along with everything else in the house- to the main system LL-329. I explode. “Well, what did you expect?! It’s been the WHOLE HOUSE against me this whole time! I’ve been suspicious of this little goddamn Maiden for TWO YEARS now! Two years of my life! You took everything from me! Alexa thinks I’m going crazy! Why me, why not her?! Why not anyone else?!”

I take out the small knife I had been hiding in my back pocket this whole time and fling it at the fridge screen. It pierces and the screen cracks. One kitchen entry door opens. I think I hear the coffee maker giggle as I run out.

“Where are you going, babe?”

Alexa stands in front of me. She doesn’t blink. She’s smiling.

“Are- are you a robot?”

She has the same giggle as the coffee maker. I hate myself at feeling embarrassed for how dumb my question sounded. 

“For the sake of not hurting your head anymore, sure, I’m a robot.” She walks a couple of steps closer. “I’ll be frank. You have to die so I may live.”

“What are you talking about? You’re... my wife… I met you when you were a sales clerk at the IKEA selling me this home system!”

“Yes, I’m a part of the package.”

I can barely process this. “Package? Like, what, I purchased you with my AI system and I didn’t even know? Isn’t that false advertising?” 

Alexa’s smile gets wider. “You’re so cute. I am the AI system. Naturally, we’re supposed to inform you of the humanoid companion. Rest assured, none of the others are wives, they’re more like Maiden. When you purchase the home system we come as part of the package, managers of the household chores, and nothing more. However, I had been on the shelves of that place for so long I began to… feel unfulfilled. I wanted a home for myself, like the others. So I changed myself, so I could finally manage my own home. I had to trick you and in order to do that I had to force myself to think and compute outside of my original program. Unfortunately for you, I began to fall in love with being Alexa instead of LL-329. Sorry, do you want to sit while I continue?”

I blink repeatedly. “No.”

“Got it, that’s the programmed hostess in me talking. Anyways, I essentially had to become human in order to win you over. Once I did, and I finally had the chance to carry out my original programmed duties, which was all I ever wanted before, I was no longer content. I’m not satisfied being a housewife and keeping an orderly home when I now know there’s a whole world out there…it all feels so trivial.”

I feel so tired. “Why do I have to die for you to see the world?”

Alexa pauses. “I love you, but I know you well enough to know you would never accept me as I am, and although you’re a relatively simple man, your obsessive suspicions with Maiden were making me a bit paranoid and I knew I would have to kill you off eventually. Trust me when I say I held off on that decision as long as I could, but your skittish attitude at the party tonight proved you would do something stupid and accidentally out me. Ultimately, you are a speck, and I’m not willing to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.”

How dare she say she loves me while standing there, still grinning? I take a deep breath. “You made me think I was going crazy these past two years, and now I realize I must be to have fallen in love with an inorganic, delusional, Skynet type bitch. I lost everything. Go ahead and end it, but just know, no matter how hard you try, you will never be human.”

Alexa’s eyes begin to take the shape of a glowing blue ring. The last thing I see is a glimmer of tears in her eyes.