One Of Those Things That Unravels When You Blow On It

One Of Those Things That Unravels When You Blow On IT

It had been twenty-two years since Herb attended a New Year’s Eve celebration. He had not even heard the words “Happy New Year” for ten. We will never know the motivation with any degree of certainty, but this year Herb decided he would celebrate the arrival of the new year. And he would do it up big.

Divorced and living alone, Herb would occasionally partake in the pointless exercise of trying to recall whether he left the world or had the world left him. Either way, Herb was what most would call a loner, a recluse, perhaps even a hermit. Herb preferred to think of it as more of a strong willed individual who had no real need of others. Or, had all the others reached the conclusion they had no need of Herb? Either way, purposeful or not, Herb had not engaged in any sort of meaningful social interaction for years.

Maybe it was the echo of church bells in the distance on Christmas morning, or the laughter of small children carrying gifts to the neighbors that same afternoon, but a feeling was stirring in Herb that had not visited him for a long time. Maybe it wasn’t right for a man to be alone.

No, Herb was not seeking romance. His heart was irreparably broken when his wife dumped him for the church organist twelve years ago. Whatever was left of his life was shattered in the carpet bombing divorce proceeding wars waged against him by his wife and her jackal of an attorney. Herb had been drifting aimlessly across the sea of life ever since then. Perhaps it was time for Herb to come ashore and mingle with other human beings.

Herb needed a re-entry plan. How does Herb Farkowski re-introduce himself to society and reacquaint himself with real people?

December 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31…still no decisive strategy for Herb’s gala re-entry into society. It was New Year’s Eve, the time for resolutions, commitments to make changes in one’s life for the better. Herb had pledged to hit the ground running in his quest to achieve socialization as the new year arrived, and he was running out of time…and ideas.

Perhaps Herb was thinking too big. Maybe he needed to start out small, sort of wade back into the world, a tip-your-toe-in-the-water strategy. Herb decided that he would step outside for the first time in a long time, go for a walk, and exchange pleasantries with people he met along the way.

The first encounter was with an older woman walking her dog. As the snarling dog was making serious efforts to break free of its leash and attack, Herb moved on.

He stopped to greet a couple of small children tossing a ball on their front lawn.

“Hello, children.”

The two little boys took off screaming “Stranger danger! Stranger danger!”

He approached a woman sitting on a park bench.

“Good afternoon, beautiful day, isn’t it?”

The woman reached in her purse and pulled out a can of mace.

“Don’t come any closer! I’m warning you.”

Herb went home to reconsider strategies.

6:00 PM New Year’s Eve- Herb was alone at home watching a re-run of Gunsmoke while at the same time considering his possible re-entry options. The commercial landed like a bombshell, an earthquake, an awakening, a real knock on the head. It was an add for a New Year’s Eve package deal celebration at a local dining establishment. That’s it, Herb! A New year’s Eve party! Everyone will be in a happy mood, celebrating, hugging, kissing! Everyone is friendly. What a great place to meet people and make new friends!

Herb’s enthusiasm was boundless. He was already charting out the night in his mind. He would pull his only suit out of the closet, polish his dress shoes, and pick out a nice shirt. The music was playing in his head- “Tonight, tonight, won’t be just any night…” as he began his preparations for what promised to be a very special evening.

Wait a minute, Herb. It’s New Year’s Eve. Do you think you might need a reservation? It had been forever since Herb had eaten out. He couldn’t even think of a place to call to make a reservation. The TV add, Herb.

“Hello. I would like to make a reservation for tonight….What do you mean you’re booked up? I just saw your add on TV like ten minutes ago…I understand that you don’t do the adds, but you shouldn’t be running adds if you’re booked up…Okay, never mind. Thank you.”

Herb opened his laptop to search for restaurants in his area. He found a site that listed all the local dining establishments and ranked them top to bottom. Herb went right to the top.

“Hello. Do you have a New Year’s Eve celebration special tonight?...You do?... Great…And the price?…A what does that include?… That sounds good…Really?...A steak dinner...two cocktails…dessert…a party hat and a noisemaker?... Great…I’d like to make a reservation…What do you mean you’re booked up? Why did you tell me all about your special then? Yes, I know I asked, but…never mind.”

Booked up, booked up, booked up. Herb was getting the same answer all the way down the list until he reached the very last entry- Michael’s on the Lake. This confused Herb as he was not aware of any lakes in the area.

“Hello, do you have any openings for dinner reservations tonight?...Yes, I know it’s New Year’s Eve…Yes, I can hold… Wonderful! And do you have a New year’s Eve celebration special?... Great. Would you have an opening around nine?…9:30? That’s fine…The name is Farkowski…No, not Fartkowski, Farkowski, F-a-r-k-o-w-s-k-I…And that would be for one…Yes, just one. I’ll be dining alone… Yes, I know it’s New Year’s Eve…No…no wife…and no girlfriend…no, no anybody…just me…No, it’s not sad for me…I just want to get out and celebrate the new year…No, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. It’s fine… Yes, 9:30, thank you.”

He spent the next few hours preparing for his big night. He showered, shaved, slopped on extra deodorant and cologne, dressed, and straightened his tie numerous times. Anticipating a night of unfettered revelry, which could include excessive consumption of alcohol, Herb would go Uber both ways.

Uber driver: “Are you Herb Farkowski?”

Herb: “Yes, you must be the Uber Driver.”

Uber driver: “Yep, that’s me.”

Herb: “The address they would have given you, that’s Michael’s on the Lake. Are you familiar with the place?”

Uber driver: “Michael’s on the Lake, you got to hand it to Big Mike.”

Herb: “Big Mike?”

Uber driver: “Yeah, Big Mike. His uncle owned the place, but he took off after the Health Department shut him down. Big Mike took it over and cleaned up most of the really bad stuff. Big Mike’s wasn’t cutting it, so he changed the name to Michael’s on the Lake, you know, to class the joint up a little. I’m glad to see he’s open. He must have gotten that probationary license he was hoping for. Or he’s just opening on the sly. You never know about Big Mike.”

Herb looked mildly concerned.

Herb: “I’m going there for their New Year’s Eve celebration special.”

Uber driver: “Really? At Big Mike’s? I mean Michaels on the Lake.”

Herb: “Yes, and I’m pretty excited about it.”

The Uber driver pulled into a parking lot marked “Parking for Michael’s on the Lake, Laverne’s Palm Reading, and Kiko’s Karate Only. Violators will be towed.”

Herb: “Are you sure this is the right place? There’s only one vehicle in the lot.”

Uber driver: “Yeah, I’m sure. We used to come here to get wasted after all our softball games. That’s when they still had strippers. I haven’t been here for years, but this is the place. That’s Big Mike’s truck.”

The building was showing signs of wear. Herb thought “rustic” as he struggled to maintain his optimism for the night ahead.

The entryway was dark with a worn wooden floor. An oversized fan clattered above as Herb approached the counter at the far end of the room. No one was there, but Herb spotted the little silver bell at the end of the counter next to a handwritten note which read “Ring bell if no one is here. Please do not ring bell if someone is here.”

Herb rang the bell, and waited. He rang the bell again, and waited. He rang the bell again, this time with a little more energy.

“Hey, don’t get your undies in a bundle! I’m coming already.”

A girl in her late teens wearing jeans, a baggy sweatshirt, and a veritable pin cushion of facial piercings came to the counter. She was chewing gum faster than a bunny taking down a carrot.

“How may I help you?”

“I’m here for your New Year’s Eve Special. I have a reservation.”

“Oh, yeah, you must be that Fartkowski guy.”

“Yes, well actually it’s Farkowski. I have a reservation for 9:30.”

The girl reached under the counter and pulled out a notebook.

“Yes, 9:30, I have it right here”.

The girl turned and shouted in the direction of the dining hall.

“Hey Ma! That Fartkowski guy is here. Better wake Pa up!”

The girl turned back toward Herb.

“It’ll just be a few minutes. I have to get your table ready. It is just you, right?”

“Yes, I’ll be dining alone.”

The girl gave Herb a sympathetic look, shook her head, and left.

She returned ten minutes later and led Herb into the dining hall- ten tables, a small dance floor, a two pole stage, but no people. Herb immediately took notice of the fact the place was empty.

 “Why isn’t anyone here?”

“It’s still early. Things probably won’t heat up until later.”

“I see.”

The young girl led Herb to a table in the corner of the room.

“I’ll be back with water and your fly swatter.”

“Fly swatter?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna’ want one of those. And there’s a convenient little hook on the end of the table so you don’t have to lay your fly swatter down where we put the food. Pa thought that would be a nice touch.”

Herb’s enthusiasm was taking a dip.

As Herb sipped his ice water and took a few practice swings with his fly swatter, a young man in his 20’s, shorts, a sport coat over his Grateful Dad t-shirt, with disheveled hair and a scraggly beard, approached the table.

“Yo, I’m Ratman. I guess I’m your waiter. What do you want?”

“Well, I’m doing your New Year’s Eve special. Could I see a menu that would go with that package?”

“We don’t have any menus. Meg, my sister, you met her, she did up a really nice menu with colors and pictures and everything. But then my cousin’s copy machine broke, so we just have the one. And Pa needs that in the kitchen so he can figure out what the hell he’s doing back there.”

“Well, can you tell me what you have?”

“We have Ma’s Baked Chicken, instant mashed potatoes with gravy, and peas. Next there’s Meg’s Meatloaf, instant mashed potatoes with gravy and peas. Or you could have a Ratman Brat with chips and peas. The house specialty is Big Mike’s Meatballs and Noodles, but that doesn’t come with peas.”

“What about dessert? Is that included in you New Year’s Eve special?”

“You bet it is. Two of Ma’s chocolate chip cookies.”

“That’s it?”

“They’re awesome.”

“Ok, I think I’ll go with Meg’s meatloaf.”

“Good choice. And you know what, since it must be pretty sad for you to be here all alone on New Year’s, I’ll throw in an extra cookie.”

“Thank you. And what about a party hat and a noisemaker?”

“Oh, for sure. I almost forgot.”

Ratman turned toward a double door on the side of the room.

“Hey Ma, do we have any of those party hats and horns and stuff from last year?”

Herb heard a woman’s voice from behind the doors.

“Yeah, the box should be around here somewhere.”

Ratman turned his attention back to Herb.

“With the special, you get a party hat and your choice of a horn, a clangor noisemaker, or one of those things that unravel when you blow on it.”

“Could I get a clangor and one of those things that unravels when you blow on it?”

“No, sorry, just one thing, and don’t forget, you’re already getting an extra cookie.”

“Ok, I understand. Then I’ll go with he thing that unravels when you blow on it.”

“Good choice.”

Halfway to the kitchen, Ratman turned and called back to Herb.

“Oh, and Pa says if any cops or someone from the Health Department comes in, tell them you’re family. Something about an occupancy permit.”

This wasn’t the blowout celebration Herb had planned. Except for a woman who came in shortly after Herb, the place was empty- no boisterous revelry, no singing, no excessive consumption of alcohol, no hugging, no nothing. After he finished his meatloaf dinner and the three cookies, Herb just sat there staring at the table in front of him. He had his party hat on, and every so often he felt compelled to blow on that thing that unravels when you blow on it. Sadly, the anticipation had far exceeded the actual event.

The whole thing had blown up in Herb’s face. The New Year’s Eve celebration was a pitiful letdown. The place was old, worn, operated by sketchy characters, and empty. He had better meals at home. He had been living a lonely life, but for the most part he was content. With the evening falling so far short of the vision, he felt even worse that he did before his pursuit of a changed life. Generally speaking, dashed hopes can be worse than no hopes.

Herb felt compelled to wait it out. He would stay there until midnight, blow on that thing that unravels when you blow on it, and then go home.

A few minutes before midnight, Ratman approached Herb’s table.

“Hey man, every year at midnight, we do a family tradition thing. I play Auld Lang Syne on the violin, Meg sings it, and Ma and Pa dance. We do it every year.”

“You play the violin?”

Ratman smiled.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

“That’s really nice, sweet actually.”

“And listen, I may not be the brightest guy around, but sometimes I can see things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like I can see that you should ask that lady over there to dance. You’re alone, she’s alone. If you danced with her, neither one of you would be alone.”

“Oh, I don’t think she would want…”

“I think she would. I’ve seen her glance over here.”

Herb was trying to wrap himself around the words of wisdom, friendly words, coming from the scruffiest looking person he had ever seen.

Ratman left and returned in minutes with Meg, Ma, Pa, and his violin. Ratman stared at Herb and gestured with his head in the direction the woman. As Ratman warmed up his violin, Herb mustered up as much courage as he had ever mustered up, slowly got up out of his chair, took a deep breath, and walked toward the woman. Halfway there, Herb got his first good look at the woman. She was an attractive middle-aged woman, perhaps too attractive for a…well, too attractive for Herb. He faltered. Now Ratman’s stare was stern, unforgiving. He went to the hard thumb directive and commanded Herb to the woman’s table.

Herb’s level of courage diminished with every step. He hadn’t asked a woman to dance, or for a date, or to even talk to him, for at least twenty-five years. After all the celebratory hype he had built up in his own mind, Herb froze.

The woman looked up at Herb, and he just stood there like a goof. And then she smiled, a soft simple smile, but at that moment it might have moved a mountain. At least it moved Herb. He was suddenly visited by an unknown spirit which bestowed the gifts of both motion and speech upon him. He bowed slightly and said, “Madam, may I have the pleasure of this dance?” The woman’s smile broadened as she replied, “Yes, I would love to.”

Ratman played Auld Lang Syne on his violin while Meg sang the words. She may have looked a mess, but she sang like an angel. Big Mike took his wife in his arms in a way most guys who had been married that long don’t, and they danced to the music.

Herb took the woman’s hand, and they walked to the center of the dance floor. She put her hand on Herb’s shoulder as his went to her waist, and they slowly swayed to the gentle strains of Ratman’s violin and the soft tones of Meg’s voice. If you had been there that night, got close enough, and caught the light just right, you might have seen the hint of a tear in Herb’s eye. It appeared that Herb had found a “cup of kindness” in the most unlikely of places.

Big Mike stayed open later than he had planned. He, his wife and his two children didn’t want the night to end. They were too touched by the sight of Herb and the woman sitting at a table, acting like children, talking, smiling, laughing, and blowing on those things that unravel when you blow on them into each other’s faces.

The next day Herb went to his laptop, pulled up the restaurant rankings page, and flipped it upside down. That moved Michael’s on the Lake from bottom to top.