The Love Machine

The Love Machine

“What we have here is failure to communicate.”

                                                               -The Captain, Cool Hand Luke

Christian couldn’t communicate his feelings to Roxanne. John Alden wasn’t able to speak for himself. Henry was likewise unable to express his love for the beautiful Janet by use of the spoken word. Lacking in experience in matters of the heart (just one date in his entire life- his High School Homecoming Dance freshman year where he ripped the seat of his pants wide open doing the Chicken Dance thereby earning the troublesome nickname “Captain Underpants”), Henry needed an assist from today’s technology- the cell phone. He would make his proposal by text.

Henry had the usual male fear of rejection running through his veins, but this proposal came with the added complications that he had only known Janet for a couple of months and the relationship had been platonic up to this point. He knew he loved everything about Janet, but he didn’t know if she harbored the same feelings. He also knew he couldn’t live with being “just friends”, so he decided to put it all out on the table right now.

With his strong Boy Scouts background ( only missed out on Eagle Scout status because of his fear of the outdoors and his aversion to helping people), Henry understood the importance of one of life’s most useful principles- be prepared. While his cell phone, the chosen mechanical means to bare his heart, was charging all morning, Henry outlined the critical points that needed to be included in his presentation:

-     His undying love for Janet.

-       He was a religious man which bode well for the likelihood of him abiding by his marriage vows.

-       Reasonably good prospects for gainful employment.

-       No felony convictions in his background.

-       He liked dogs.

-       With the opening of a Planet Fitness gym in town and the advent of so many new wonder products for weight loss, he could probably drop his excess 35 pounds and improve his appearance.

-       He was confident he could move out of his parent’s basement…someday.

-       He was already saving money to get a car.

Henry felt pretty good about his list. With all those positives, he thought it would be hard for Janet to say no. He looked better on paper than he ever might have imagined.

Let the texting begin!

(A slight delay as Henry debated whether or not he should take a knee as he texted. He finally deemed this to be a pointless gesture, so he remained seated at the kitchen table.)

Henry: Janet, you there?

Janet: Yes.

Henry:  You know how sharks need to keep swimming or they will die? Well, I decided that I needed to keep moving as well.

Janet: That’s actually not true. That may be the case for some sharks, but several species don’t need to keep moving in order to acquire the oxygen they need. For example, nurse sharks and bull sharks rely on a process called buccal pumping, and others get their oxygen though ram ventilation.

Henry: Uh, I didn’t know that. Ok, then, the ones that do need to keep swimming. I’m like those sharks.

Janet: How so?

Henry: Well, I feel like I need to keep moving with my life. I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, and I believe I’m ready to take my next step in life, a big step, and it involves you.

Janet: Really? How so?

Henry: Well, I’ll be graduating from Cake Baking and Decorating School next month and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to land a good-paying job in no time… either with a small bakery in town or maybe with one of the big boys like Hostess or Bimbo Bakeries.

Janet: Does Bimbo make those Little Debbie Snack Cakes?

Henry: Uh, I’m not sure.

Janet: I love those Little Debbie Red, White, and Blue cakes with the little stars on them. I could eat a whole box of them.

Henry: Yeah, I like those too, but I was talking about getting a job.

Janet: And with a big glass of cold milk! That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Henry: Yeah, milk is good. But listen, what I’m trying to get at is I should be making some pretty good dough.

Janet: Ha, ha. You said dough, that you’d be making dough. Get it? A baker making dough. That’s funny.

Henry: Yeah, I guess it is funny. But what I mean is I’ll be making some good money. So I’ll be able to start building a secure future for myself…and, maybe for someone else too.

Janet: That’s nice.

Henry: I’m already looking around for a car.

Janet: What kind of a car?

Henry: I don’t think that really matters so much. Nothing fancy, just something to get me from point A to point B.

Janet: Where are they?

Henry: Where are what?

Janet: Where are A and B? You said you want to go from A to B, and I was just wondering where A and B are.

Henry: A and B? That’s just a figure of speech. It means it will just get me to where I want to go.

Janet: Oh, you should have just said that. I always liked Fords. Buy American. That’s what my Grandpa always said. They’re going to be easier to fix.

Henry: That’s great. I’m sure your Grandpa knew best. I like Fords too. But I want to get back to something really important.

Janet: The kind of car you buy is important. You don’t want to get one of those foreign jobs where it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to get it fixed. And that’s if you can find the parts.

Henry: Good advice.

Janet: And good mileage is important cuz gas prices can be all over the board. But don’t get one of those electric vehicles. They only go like 10 miles before you have to charge them. My neighbor’s uncle bought one, and let me tell you, he is not happy with the darn thing!

Henry: I’ll keep all that in mind. No electric vehicles. And I want you to know I’ll also be looking for my own place to live.

Janet: That’s nice.

Henry: I’m ready to settle down, and having my own place will be a big step toward a secure, stable future.

Janet: That’s nice.

Henry: I’ll rent at first, but someday I want a nice house with a big yard, you know, a nice place for kids to play.

Janet: Me too! I’d love to have a house in the country with lots of room for kids to play. And a white picket fence out front.

Henry: Sounds wonderful! I want the same thing. We’re on the same page.

Janet: Every time I see a white picket fence I think of that Tom Sawyer book, you know, where he tricks the kid into painting the fence for him. That sure was something. Did you like that book?

Henry: Yeah, it was great, but I want to get to why I’m texting you today.

Janet: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was pretty good too. Do you know what Mark Twain’s real name was?

Henry: Uh, I don’t think I do.

Janet: Samuel Clemons. That was his real name.

Henry: That’s good to know, but there’s something I need to talk about, or I guess text about. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Janet: Absolutely! Like in the Princess Bride. Wesley knew he loved Buttercup the moment he set eyes on her. “Trooo Wuv.” Do you remember that part?

Henry: Yes, I do.

Janet: And when the Bishop said “Mawwige”, I about wet myself.

Henry: Yes, that was funny. But getting back to the house with big yard for kids.

Janet: Oh. yeah, that sounds great.

Henry: And the yard should be big enough for a dog. I’d want to have a dog. Would you want a dog?

Janet: Oh, yes! I love dogs! But not one that sheds. We had a black lab once and the darn thing shed like crazy. There were these little black hairs everywhere! I had this really nice white sweater, and I had to toss it cuz I couldn’t get rid of the black hairs all over it. I got it at Kohl’s. It was on sale, but I still paid $25 for it! Some people say Kohl’s always has everything on sale, you know, just to make people think they’re getting a bargain. What do you think?

Henry: Uh, I don’t know. I guess I never thought about that. But there’s something else I wanted to ask you, something really important.

Janet: My Grandpa says they should get busted on some truth in advertising stuff, like fake pricing or something like that. What do you think?

Henry: I don’t know. I never really thought about that. But getting back to what I want to tell you. I’m ready to make some big changes in my life, a job, a car, my own place. And, I admit it, I kind of fell a little out of shape. I know I should lose some weight. So, I’m getting a membership in Planet Fitness.

Janet: Planet Fitness? Have you checked out Anytime Fitness? The big advantage there is you can go there anytime. I think that’s why they call it Anytime Fitness.

Henry: Yeah, probably.

Janet: And my second cousin Shirley went to Planet Fitness, and she says guys were hitting on her all the time. She kind of liked some of them, but some were pretty creepy.

Henry: I want to get back to something very important, Janet. I just wanted you to know I plan to take better care of myself.

Janet: And Shirley’s no saint. I think she was fooling around with half the guys at Planet Fitness. I even think she had a thing going on with the manager there. I bet she was getting a free membership, the whore.

Henry: Well, that’s too bad.

Janet: I think she got her round heels from her mom, Auntie Ruth. I know for a fact she was a whore.

Henry: Well, if I could just tell you why I’m texting you today. It’s very important.

Janet: That whole side of the family is pretty loose if you ask me. And they always acted like a bunch of Goody-Two-Shoes. It makes me sick.

Henry: What I wanted to tell you is that I feel like I want to settle down, you know, get married and start a family. The Bible tells us that, “It is not good for man to be alone.” I don’t want to be alone anymore, Janet.

Janet: Ooo, Bible stuff. I love Bible stuff. When I was in the fourth Grade, I won a contest on memorizing scripture. I got a really cool medal for it, but then I lost it somehow. I did Psalm 23. I bet I still remember it. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me… somewhere, and then there’s something about Death Valley. Do you know that Psalm?

Henry: Yes, pretty much. But the big yard, and kids, and a dog. It seems we both want the same things in life.

Janet: Did you ever see that old Western, Death Valley?

Henry: No.

Janet: Well, it was kind of dorky, but Grandpa liked watching the reruns so I’d watch it with him sometimes. I love my Grandpa.

Henry: That’s nice. I love my Grandpa too, but I want to get back to something really important.

Janet: I love Westerns! Do you?

Henry: Yes, I like Westerns.

Janet: What’s your favorite?

Henry: I’d say Shane… probably.

Janet: I like Shane too, but I think the Rifleman could have taken him.

 Henry: That could be, but I want to ask you something that would change our lives forever.

Janet: Our lives? What is it?

(At this point, Henry did take a knee.)

Henry: I know we’ve only known each other for a very short time, but I feel we’ve already grown close. Do you feel that way?

Janet: Yes, I guess, sort of.

Henry: This may shock you, Janet, but in the short time we’ve known each other, I think I’ve fallen in love with you.

Janet: Oh, my. That is a shock. I had no idea you felt this way. Are you sure? I mean, you hardly know me.

Henry: Yes, I’m sure. And that’s why I’m asking you to marry me.

Janet: Oh, my goodness. This is so sudden. I don’t know what to say. I may need some time to think about that.

Henry: I understand. Take all the time you want to decide if you want to become the future Mrs Henry Barnes. Oh, if you wanted to keep your last name, that would be fine with me. Or you could do one of those hyphenated names, Mrs. Janet Miller-Barnes.

Janet: Who’s Miller?

Henry: Uh, you’re Miller.

Janet: No I’m not.

Henry: You’re not Janet Miller?

Janet: No, I’m Janet Nelson.

Henry: Is your phone number 262-777-4212.

Janet: It’s 262-777-4213.

Henry: Oops. Never mind. Sorry.

(At this point, Henry got up off his knee.)

Janet: Wait!

Henry: What?

Janet: Don’t you want my answer?

Henry: Huh? To what?

Janet: You just proposed, didn’t you?

Henry: Yes, I guess I did, but that’s when I thought you were Janet Miller.

Janet: So?

Henry: So?!

Janet: Sew buttons on your underwear. I always like saying that. But, really, think about it… What’s your name again?

Henry: Henry.

Janet: Yes, Henry. Look, we have so much in common. You want a big yard, I want a big yard. You want kids, I want kids. We both like dogs, Fords, Westerns, white picket fences, Grandpas, Bible Stuff, and Little Debbie snack cakes. This is like eharmony or Match.com. We’re compatible!

Henry: I guess we are!

Janet: Yes, Henry, yes! I will marry you!

Unintended consequences, dumb luck, a blind pig stumbling upon a bale of hay, Henry found his soul mate and a lifetime of happiness- a loving wife, a house in the country, a big fenced-in yard, lots of kids, a dog that didn’t shed, a Ford mini-van in the driveway, and a cupboard stocked with Little Debbie snack cakes… all courtesy of a single misplaced digit.  Fate, fear of the spoken word, and clumsy fingers- such are the things dreams are made of.

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