Subject to Change

The noise turned out to be a young couple making out ferociously behind the shelves of the Science Fiction and Fantasy section, their hands down writhing under each other’s clothes. Marvin struggled to find his voice, not only were they doing this in a library, and making an unbelievable racket with their moaning and groaning and humping, but they were doing it in his library. The girl opened one eye, which widened as it caught sight of Marvin. She pushed her friend away and glared. "What do you want?" she demanded, as if he were trespassing.

"You guys are aware that this is a library, right?" Marvin whispered as loud as he dared, "I mean, the shelves of books were a giveaway for me. There are children enjoying story time over there." He spread his arms, "what about this situation made you think that this was the right time or place for a game of tonsil-hockey?"

The guy glared at him now, but his face soon turned to a grin of recognition, "I know you, you're that weaselly twat from the Uni, Martin something."

"Marvin," Marvin said through his teeth.

"What, like the Martian?" the girl snorted. “You look more like Harry Potter, with that scar.”

Marvin’s hand went to the mark on his cheek. "Oh, yes, very original, never heard that one before. Would you be so kind as to take your kissing elsewhere?"

The guy sniggered and stepped up to Marvin. It was only when he had to crane his neck to look the fellow in the eye that Marvin regretted coming to scold them. "Come on babe," the fellow said, still sneering at Marvin, "let's get out of here. This little man has got as close as he's ever going to get to being laid. He should be thanking us." With that, the pair shared a chuckle and left, though not before the guy pushed a whole shelf of books onto the floor at Marvin's feet with a theatrical 'oops'.

Once they were gone, Marvin returned to his desk to continue his filing. He usually enjoyed how he could be lost in a world of order, where he knew exactly what to expect, but the incident with the kissing pair stuck with him. It was a surprise, and Marvin loathed surprises.

It was what that guy said as well. Not so much the reminder of his virginity; he honestly had never given that much thought. It was more the idea that he would never find anyone whom he liked enough, or who liked him enough, to lose it to. He had friends, his co-workers, his pals at University, some school friends he kept in touch with. But, if he was honest, he wasn't really very close to any of them.

Close friends did things together, but any more than basic social interaction put him on edge. Other people were spontaneous and unpredictable, making random suggestions and throwing him into another set of circumstances he had not prepared for, to say nothing of what they did while drunk.

"Marvin?"

His Co-worker's call gave him a start. Marvin realised that he had been staring into space. "Yeah.... Yeah Tom?

"Look, don't let those creeps get to you, they’re just kids who can't control their hormones." He smiled, "between you and me, I think the bloke was punching above his weight."

"Undoubtedly," Marvin said, feigning laughter, feeling that Tom was expecting one.

"Oh, by the way," he said, and the phrase made Marvin as nervous as it always did. "Lily asked me to give you this." He handed Marvin a folded piece of paper. It was pink and white and had a lot of smiling people on it.

Marvin gave a joyless smile, the one he had always given to friends who invited him to social events. "Thanks” he said to Tom, trying to sound genuine, before looking at the paper again. “Speed dating, interesting.”

"Yeah, might be a laugh," Tom said, sounding casual as could be. Marvin wished that he could be so casual about anything. "It's at a pub, and the flyer gives you discount on drinks. So, you up for it?”

Marvin took a deep breath, “I'll think about it." It wasn’t a lie. He did think about it, incessantly, for the rest of the day. Picturing himself there made his chest feel like it was full of sand, so it was safe to say that he was not interested, but he could not stop that picture from entering his mind.

It would not even leave him alone on the walk home, and nor did the incident with the couple. It was all so ridiculous it made him want to pull his hair out. This was why he hated unexpected things happening. Not only were they off-putting in the moment, but they often did not even have the good grace to leave you alone when they were over, pestering you during work and when you went home and not relenting, not giving you a moment's peace. All the uncertainties, all the questions, all the possibilities upon possibilities piling on top of each other until the future was so unclear that he felt like a blind man wading through a sea of crude oil.

Marvin thought, perhaps, that things would look better when he got home and bury himself in The Lord of the Rings novels again. He just finished Return of the King the previous night and Fellowship of the Ring was waiting on his bedside table for him to start all over again. He would give Tom and Lily some excuse tomorrow and put the whole thing behind him.

But, of course, it was not to be.

His heart, already in the depths of self-pity, plunged even deeper when he got home and found his Mother's car outside his flat. Brilliant… now he wished he hadn’t put off changing the locks. He chanced a look through the vehicle's grubby windows and was surprised at the absence of wine bottles and white powder. This might simply have meant she left them at home, or perhaps taken them in with her. Wouldn't that just take the biscuit?

When he pushed open his door, he was greeted by his Mother. That was the first strange thing as usually she was just sleeping in a chair or emptying a bottle of gin into her mouth. The second strange thing was that the flat looked and smelled much the same as he had left it, rather than of booze or vomit as he had come to expect from his Mother’s visits. Third, and most jarring, of the strange things was his Mother herself. 'Neat' was the word that came to mind, her hair was neatly brushed into a ponytail, her tee shirt and jeans were neatly ironed, even her shoelaces were tied into neat bows. It was as if she actually cared about her appearance.

"Sorry for letting myself in," she said meekly as he sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. "I know I haven't exactly been a part of your life for some time now, Marvin, but I’ve been clean for about six weeks now and… are you alright? You don’t half look pale." She touched his face, he instinctively flinched. She snatched her fingers away, looking ashamed and hurt.

He gulped, "Congratulations," he said.

Mum sighed, "I really should have called ahead, shouldn't I?"

"Maybe..." Marvin said. He felt he should say more, but the words just wouldn't come.

They sat for what seemed for an eternity, not saying a word. The room suddenly seemed noisy with awkward sighs and nervous shuffling.

"Do you..." Marvin said, if only to break the silence, "do you want a cup of something?"

"I'm alright, darling," Mum said, then chuckled, "I suppose this must be a bit of a shock, eh?"

"That's putting it mildly," Marvin said, still staring at his clasped hands, "last time I saw you, I could barely get any sense out of you. I mean, I at least know how I should react to that, but this… I just have no idea. Is this going to stick?”

“It is! I promise. I think I've cracked it this time, I really do, Marv." She gave the biggest sigh he had ever heard, "but, you know, even if the drugs are gone for good, the damage they did is still there. That's what my therapist said, and it's up to me to repair that damage. So that's why I'm here, Marv. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, and I would understand if you didn't. But I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try to make amends."

Marvin stood up, staring at a videogame poster on the wall to hide his wet eyes, "I'm happy for you," he said, "really, I am. It's just... it's just another change I wasn't ready for."

"But this one is a good change," her voice cracked, "and, as far as you're concerned, it doesn't have to be a change at all. If you want, I'll leave..."

She didn't want that, Marvin could tell by her voice, and he didn't want it either, though he couldn't say why. His relationship with his Mother had been a downward spiral, since Dad's death, from her losing her job, to the drinking, to the drugs, to the visitors, to the...

He rubbed his scar.

He should have wanted her to leave, but he didn't…

"Before you make your decision," she said. "I want you to know that I'm proud of you. You did well at school and you're at Uni now, and you did it all on your own. Coming from where you came from, you could have gone down a dozen dark paths, but no, you made something of your life."

He turned around. They both had tears rolling down the cheeks. He had never looked at his life like that before…

Her eyes pleaded for forgiveness, but he just couldn’t give it. Not right away. You don't choose to forgive someone, it happens when it is ready to happen. It had never been her fault, he knew that, but he was just so... Angry was the wrong word, it was honestly closer to exhaustion.

Despite all this, he still didn't want her to leave.

"Thanks..." Marvin said, "Really, Mum, thank you so much for saying that."

"Been looking for a way to say it for years," she said with a smile. Her eyes dipped. "What's this?" She reached down to the sofa and picked up a piece of paper. She opened it.

"Oh it’s a speed dating thing I got from work," he said. “It must have fallen out of my pocket.”

Her smile grew, "Well, are you going to go?"

"Nah,” he said, “seems like too much hassle."

"Oh, come on, what's the worst that could happen. You're nice, you're not bad looking, you're smart." His Mum told him, in that way only a mum could. In the way only she could before Dad died. "Besides, the worst they can do is say no."

"I'm not afraid of rejection, Mum. It's just," he turned back to the poster, "You know, too much hassle.”

Her hand rested on his shoulder, "I suppose dating is always a big change, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he whispered.

"But then, big changes aren't anything new for you, are they?" she said.

"No," he said, turning back and taking the paper from her hand. "I suppose not."