Abnormal

“You have got to be kidding me. You really think people are going to fall for that?”

I looked at Doyle in disbelief. He was a human friend of mine, and not the brightest. A lover of wearing suspenders, bowties, and sandals. I know it’s weird to call him a human friend, but I’m a huldra. Not a human. I look like one, except for the cow tail. Anyways, back to Doyle: He was holding a hamster that was wearing q-tip antlers. This is one of his latest and not to mention atrocious “get rich fast” schemes.

“Taya, I need a little more support. I’m telling you, the Hamsterlope will work.” he told me.

I rolled my eyes. I’ve rolled my eyes at him numerous times. I’m honestly quite surprised that they haven't rolled out of their sockets.

“Doyle! I could literally see the tape on that poor little hamster’s head!” I snapped.

  One of the antlers promptly fell off when I mentioned the shoddy workmanship. As if it were ashamed of its own existence.

“Well, people won’t care because they're so cute!” he told me defensively.

  He proceeded to give the “hamsterlope” a kiss. As if the poor thing hasn’t suffered enough. The hamster clearly wasn’t fond of this display of affection, so he bit his lip. Doyle shrieked in pain and ran around the room like a headless chicken. I flicked my cow-like tale in annoyance. I share the same apartment complex as an idiot. I heard my phone buzz. I froze when I saw the number. Crap. I answered it.

“Hello Mr. Devger! Long time no see!” I giggled nervously.

  Not long enough.

“TAYA! YOU ARE ON THIN ICE! YOU AND THAT WEIRD BOYFRIEND OF YOURS OWE ME TWELVE GRAND!” Mr. Devger shouted over the phone.

  I held it away from my ear to save my hearing. I heard a crash. Doyle had crashed into the hamster cage. He began to try to catch the loose ones. 

“Sir, we are working on it, we just need–” I began.

“NO NO NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

  I was about to ask for more time, but that is clearly out of the question. Judging by his tantrum.

“Get it off of the speakerphone!” Doyle called out.

“It’s not on speakerphone!” I snapped.

“WHAT?” snapped Mr. Devger.

  Oh crap!

“Uh… nothing, Mr. Devger! Just dealing with a rat problem!” I replied.

“They’re hamsters!” Doyle snapped.

“I’VE GIVEN YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND CHANCES, TAYA! JUST FOR THAT, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A JOB! YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY MONEY BACK FROM THE SALTWATER SIBLINGS!”

  I froze. The Saltwater siblings. No one has ever survived the Saltwater siblings.

“Sir, with all due respect, you are basically giving us a death sentence.”  I laughed nervously.

“EXACTLY! IF THEY DON’T KILL YOU, I WILL! NOW MOVE!” he replied.

  I hung up the phone. Crap. I looked at Doyle. The hamsters were nowhere to be seen.

“We need to skip town and change our identities! You’ll be Daya, and I’ll be Alejandro!” Doyle freaked out.

  I shook my head.

“No! We are getting the money back from the Saltwater siblings!” I snapped.

  Alejandro– you know what, forget it, I’m never calling him that. Doyle looked at me as if I was insane.

“Are you freaking kidding me?! Those siblings, while they have a stupid name, are deadly! They will eat us alive! They are the sharks, and we are the shrimp! We are pathetic compared to them! I don’t want to die Taya! I am twenty-five, and I still haven’t had a long-term girlfriend yet!” Doyle told me.

  His eyebrows raised a little.

“Unless, you and I count as…” he chuckled nervously.

  I glared at him.

“Not the time! Right! So… what’s your plan?” he asked.

  I twirled my blonde hair around.

“We go get that money from their resort.” I told him.

  Doyle gave me that “i’m nuts” look again.

“We’re not running away?” Doyle asked.

  I rolled my eyes.

“No. My father worked way too hard to get this building. He used to sell potatoes by the highway in Independence. There is no way I’m giving this building up.” I told him.

  He nodded.

“Okay.” he said.

  We drove down to the resort. It was a big fancy place near the beach.

“Okay. Remember the plan?” I asked.

  Doyle gave me two thumbs up. I noticed he was fidgeting a little.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

  He nodded painfully slowly. More fidgeting.

“...yes…no…” he replied.

  I rolled my eyes and explained it to him.

“You are going to pretend to be an inspector.” I told him.

  He nodded.

“Okay. What kind?” he asked.

“Does it matter?” I asked.

“Well, yes, I need to make it believable! Am I a health inspector? A safety inspector?” he asked.

“Health inspector. You should be a health inspector. You are inspecting the kitchen.” I said quickly.

  He smiled and nodded.

“Okay, perfect! I took culinary arts in community college.” he replied.

  I nodded.

“Okay. I’m going to sneak in, and pretend to be a rich tourist. While you distract the Saltwater siblings, I’m going to sneak into their office, and I’m going to take some money out. I remember Mr. Devger screamed that they took fifteen thousand dollars from him. I’ll need an hour.” I explained.

  Doyle nodded. Determination spread across his face.

“On it! Alejandro, the health inspector will not let you down!” he said proudly.

  I nodded.

“Okay. Let's go.”

  We got out of the car. Doyle with the clipboard in hand, and me with sunglasses and a sunhat. Two of the Saltwater siblings were at the desk. Fish people. One of them, the sister, Sagara, wore a mermaid dress and large hoop earrings on her fins. Her brother, Segar, was picking his teeth with a knife. He was big and burly. Doyle walked right up to them.

“Good morning, Seawaters! My name is Alejandro and I am the health inspector! I’ll be inspecting your kitchen today.” he introduced himself.

  I held my breath. Seger shrugged.

“Okay. Follow us.” he replied.

  I sighed in relief. I quickly found my way to their office. There was a very ugly vase in there. Anyways, I logged onto their computer. Well… more like using a high-tech hacking chip I got from a friend. I don’t understand half of what he said. I just know it gives me access to any computer. I went into their account and transferred the money onto my phone. This is going well. A little too…

“Can I help you?” asked a cold voice.

Oh crap. Spencer. One of the three Saltwater siblings. I completely forgot about him. He stood there, clad in a three piece suit. His eyes staring me down with malice. I looked at him and smiled.

“Oh… this isn’t my hotel room… I’ll just be going…” I told him.

  He pulled out a switchblade.

“If you value your life, I would suggest not moving an inch.” he warned me.

  I stood perfectly still as he moved towards me. I tried not to breathe as he put a blade on my neck.

“I’m not sure if you can read, madam, but the sign says ‘employees only.” he hissed.

  Then the fire alarm went off. Spencer moved the blade off of my neck in surprise. I used this opportunity to grab the ugly vase and kick him where my grandmother taught me to kick. I ran out of there without looking at Spencer’s reaction. I came back down and I saw… Hamsters?! They all scurried around. The resort staff tried and failed to catch them. I saw Doyle with a black eye running towards me.

“Taya! They-did-not-like-that-I-gave-them-a-bad-review! Let’s-go!” he shouted.

He grabbed my hand and we ran out of there. I got in the car and started hearing gunshots. I stepped on the gas. When we were safe, I turned to Doyle.

“Are you okay? What happened?” I asked.

  He smiled nervously.

“It was going well until the hamsters started crawling out of my pants…” he giggled nervously.

  I wanted to slap him.

“Why did you have hamsters in your pants?!” I snapped.

He shrugged.

“Anyways, the Saltwater siblings noticed the hamsters, and I acted shocked, and gave them a fail for rodents in the kitchen. Sagara punched me in the face, and I fell and pulled the fire alarm.” he explained.

  I blinked. I felt like yelling at him for messing up the mission, but if it weren't for that alarm… I hugged him. Doyle tensed up, then hugged me back.

“This is nice,” he told me.

  My nose wrinkled. I pulled away from him.

“You need a shower. You smell like hamster urine.” I told him.

  He smelled his pits.

“Yep!” he replied.

  We drove off. Doyle is not the brightest of human beings. I have to admit though, he has gotten me out of a few scraps.