You Left Me.

I sat there, hands shaking on the table. My stomach rumbled from hunger, but the thought of eating made me feel nauseous. I tried to listen to their advice, to not overthink things, keep my mind off her, not let her get to me. I tried to focus my attention onto other things, on the fact I had yet to finish my Uni application, on the party I had been invited to this Saturday. I thought about Dad. I knew he didn’t want me to say yes to her request. He didn’t want her in my life, in his own, and I didn’t blame him. He didn’t deserve everything she left him to deal with, a mess of a life she left behind. He deserved a life she couldn't give him. I don't know why I said yes to this in the first place. She wasn’t anyone to me, not anymore. 

Still, he let me go this morning.

“Remember whatever happens, I love you okay. All the way to the ocean.” He placed a kiss on my forehead.      

“Thanks Dad, I love you too. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I finished my coffee. 

“Don’t you worry about me,” he chuckled. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I replied, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“You know Cassie right?” He said nervously, tugging at his shirt collar. 

“From the bookstore, yeah she’s nice. Why? Do you have a date with her?” I laughed, my nose scrunched up at the thought of my Dad on a date. He said nothing back, now awkwardly looking at his toast. 

“Oh my god, I’m right aren’t I?” I groaned.

“Is it such a bad thing? You said it yourself she’s nice.” I looked at him again, he still didn’t make eye contact with me. The thought of him being ready to date again, to actively find someone else, scared me. I didn’t want him to get hurt again. A date would take his mind off me today though, which was good. 

“No, it’s a good thing. She will be good for you. Just don’t go making those jokes, that’s a sure fire way of not getting a second date okay?” 

“What no, they work every time!” He winked, shoulders relaxing again. 

“Before you go, I thought this might come in handy, that way you know who you’re looking for.” He handed me a photograph of a grey-eyed woman laughing with a baby on her lap. 

“Thanks. I’ll text you when I’m done. Enjoy your date though.” I put my scarf on, and left to go meet a stranger. 

The photograph did help. Without it, she would have looked like another stranger passing by. She stopped short of the table I had sat down at, unsure of whether to wait for me to speak first or if she should make the first move. I let her choose, this was her idea after all. 

“Hello, River. This seat taken?” she gestured to the chair opposite me. I nod my head, my mouth suddenly dry. She sat down wearily, her gaze taking me in from top to bottom; I do the same. Her brown hair was short now, stopping at her shoulders unlike the woman in the photograph whose hair fell in long strands in front of her face. She looked beautiful then, bright grey eyes that matched mine seemed so happy, lips that were painted rose pink laughing at whoever had taken the picture. Now, she looked older, her beauty had remained but the light that was once in her eyes was gone. They looked sad, full of regret, the lines on her face making her look worn with age. Leaving your family will do that to you. 

“You look good.” She started to say slowly, as if she was waiting for me to speak up. “I’m sure you have lots of questions for me, and I’m happy to answer them, I just wanted to say thanks for meeting me.”

She was right for once. I did have a lot of questions for her. Why did you leave us? What did we do wrong? Why even have a kid if you were going to suddenly disappear with no explanation? ‘Did you love us? Just why? I said nothing though. I let her say her sorry little piece instead. 

“When you were little, I thought being a mum was what I wanted. I was nervous when I first found out I was pregnant, scared-” she started to explain, but by this point I was regretting even entertaining her with my time. This was a mistake. I was happy with just Dad, happy with my friends, excited for university, and then she decided it would be perfect to come and mess up

 my life again. 

“So what, you had me and then a few months later decided this wasn’t what you wanted, that I wasn’t what you wanted?” I interrupted, glaring openly at her now. 

“No, River it wasn’t like that,” she protested, her hands reaching out for mine. I moved them onto my lap before she could touch me, her face a picture of hurt. Good. She didn’t know hurt, not like the pain she left us with. 

“But that’s what happened. I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want your ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you' because it’s honestly too late. The little girl who grew up without a mum, who saw her friends in nursery hugging their mothers and making mother’s day cards needed you, and you weren’t here. The girl who had to get her first period without someone there to tell her it was okay and to help her get her first bra when she kept getting bullied in school during swimming meets needed you. The girl who had her first date and didn’t know how to braid her hair or make herself feel beautiful needed you. Where were you then?” At this point, I let the tears fall down my face freely. Some wounds never heal as much as you try and forgive. She deserved to feel my pain as well. “I don’t need you anymore. I learnt how to live without you, just like you wanted. You don’t get to come back when the hard work is done and act like you raised me. You didn’t, Dad did. The man you left behind to pick up the pieces, to raise a daughter alone, who loved you more than you ever loved us. You left us both,” I said, my breath shaking at the end.  

She said nothing, her head bowed low, shame written across her face. I didn’t feel anything though. Not pity, or anger, just nothing. She was a stranger, she had always been a stranger to me. I got up and off my seat; I was ready to go back home now, to go back to my life with people who stayed. 

“You left me. Now you have to deal with that choice.”