Tilting at Wind Farms

The climate must be perfect all the year

Well, that might be true of Camelot, but it was definitely not true of Cloudbank Cabin, in The Land of Lost Plot.

Little Plump Jo, the current Artisan in Residence in Malory Tennyson’s Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies, was sweltering in the first heat wave of the summer. The small ceiling fan was merely pushing the hot air around the room. Even the flies on the windowsill were panting and fanning themselves.

Today Little Plump Jo intended to continue working on The Shadow of the Many Mooded Mountain, the third book in her Cloudbank Cabin series. This book was to be based on King Arthur’s Twelve Glorious Wars. Jo’s five overexcitable canine writing companions, the Dabrowski Dogs, had almost come to blows several times already about the topic. And the stifling air in the cabin was not improving their dispositions.

Intellectual Dabrowski had been the one who had first proposed investigating the historical King Arthur and the literary and archaeological evidence which proposed sites for his birth place, battles and forts. He had gathered books and articles by scholarly authors and placed them in the position on the bookcase closest to Little Plump Jo’s desk.

Intellectual had not wanted to include the character, Sir Lancelot du Lac, as he contended that Lancelot was not one of Arthur’s original men. While he conceded that Lancelot was a fascinating literary character, he did not want Little Plump Jo to include him in a historical account. Intellectual was threatening to walk out and go to work with a proper Arthurian scholar.

But Malory Tennyson was the owner of Cloudbank Cabin and Jo’s mentor. Sir Lancelot du Lac had been his favourite character, when he wrote under the pennames of Sir Thomas Malory and Alfred, Lord Tennyson. And Malory Tennyson had written that Sir Lancelot had fought beside King Arthur in the twelve glorious wars and therefore must be included in Jo’s version.

“My cabin – my rules!” Malory Tennyson insisted.

Imaginational Dabrowski had suggested a compromise. Jo could link each of the battles to a one of the episodes from the vast collection of Arthurian stories.

So Jo created a timeline cork board which she divided into four sections, History, Legend, Fiction and LPJ for her version. She attached Post-it notes to indicate important events such as battles, and strands of coloured wool to show connection of the events to the legends and their counterparts in modern fiction.

The History timeline should have been fairly easy to organize as it was a sequential, linear arrangement. But there was debate about the exact dates and the order of some of the events. The Legend and Fiction timelines were more complex with variation in the order of events within the various retellings. And Imaginational Dabrowski declared that possibly Little Plump Jo’s own timeline should actually be a spiral because of the déjà vu repetitions in her retelling.

Today Intellectual Dabrowski wanted to focus on the battle waged by Castle Guinnion but Psycho Motor Dabrowski wanted to hear about when Sir Lancelot freed the captives, including the depression causing Black Dogs, from the Dolorous Tower.

Lancelot sat back on the couch and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “Why is it so hot here?” he demanded. “Who is legislating your climate? Is it some diabolical person who favours these conditions of Hades?”

 “The Weather Bureau predicts the weather by analysing scientific data; but they do not cause the weather,” replied Sensual Dabrowski. “You cannot legislate to have the weather you want!”

“They have in Camelot!” retorted Lancelot. “A law was made a distant moon ago. The climate must be perfect all the year.”

“Camelot – the musical Act 1,” stated  Intellectual Dabrowski. “Do you really believe that? Does it not ever rain in Camelot?”

“Only after sundown!”

“Right! And the autumn leaves blow away completely in the night, of course,” scoffed Intellectual. “ I suppose you don’t believe in Climate Change either.”

“What is that?”

“The Earth is getting hotter, the polar ice caps are melting, the ocean levels are rising threatening to engulf islands. And it is all because of the way humans are cutting down old growth forests, creating factories that belch toxic fumes into the atmosphere and damage the ozone layer.”

Lancelot became quiet and thoughtful.

After a while he said “I see now. The weather was always pleasant and favourable in Camelot. But that was not the case in the lands surrounding the Dolorous Tower. Storms always swirled around it, with thunderous rumblings and light flashes. The people, who were too afraid to approach the tower, attributed it to a powerful dragon. But when I entered the tower and freed the captives, I did not find a dragon. I found only a very wicked lord of the castle. He must have been the one who legislated the storms.”

“But I still do not understand fully. When the wicked lord was defeated and the captives freed, the atmosphere changed completely in the tower. It was renamed Joyous Garde.

I had to cleanse the well water and clean out some extremely gruesome things from a copper pillar and a box. But I did not at any stage make any legislation for a change in the weather.”

“Well, let’s get on with the writing. What do you remember about the battle by Castle Guinnion, Lancelot?”

“I do not remember that one,” replied Lancelot in a distant tone that indicated his mind was on other matters.

“Of course you don’t! You were not there!” snarked Intellectual triumphantly.

“Maybe Castle Guinnion was the Dolorous Tower,” suggested Imaginational.

“I will investigate that possibility” said Intellectual. As far as I know Castellum Guinnion has been identified with the Roman fort of Vinovium at Binchester, on a spur of high ground not far south of Hadrian’s Wall.  

The Vulgate Mort Artu places the Dolorous Garde in Northumberland, and Malory specifically suggests the castle of Bamburgh which sits upon the ruins of an earlier British castle.”

“Tell us about freeing the captives from the Dolorous Tower, Lancelot!” yelped Psycho Motor Dabrowski. “ Tell us about fighting ten men one at a time to pass the first gate, then ten men at one time in a narrow passage, then running the gauntlet between swinging axes and…”

“Pardon, I was not really listening,” said Lancelot, wiping his brow again. His coal black curls were sticking to his forehead and heat flushed cheeks. “It is very hot in here!”

“I can tell you about the Dolorous Tower!” rumbled Heureux, Lancelot’s battle companion/assistance dog. “I was one of the Black Dogs that were freed along with the human captives.”

Heureux sat down beside Lancelot, nudging his head under Lancelot’s hand.

“The Black Knight was an evil tyrant. He practiced the black arts. He was cruel to all the people who served him in the tower. He exercised ruthless control over his men at arms and abused the women. His farm workers were nearly starving while he feasted.”

“I was known as Guard on Duty Black Dog at that time. I was always watchful, always trying to prevent people from angering the Black Knight, because it would mean beatings and misery for all of us. Instead of encouraging the people and the Black Dogs to resist the Black Knight, I was actually perpetuating the misery. I was using hyper-vigilance as my way of coping with my fear.”

“We had seen many attempts to overcome the Black Knight but he was very strong. To reach the Black Knight a challenger needed to defeat ten knights one at a time to pass the gate and then ten knights together at one time in a narrow passageway. When Lancelot arrived he defeated the first ten knights but he was not allowed to advance further. The drawbridge was pulled up and he was told to return tomorrow.

When he did return he had to fight ten more fresh knights to pass the first gate.  Then he managed to overcome the ten knights in the passageway.”

“After that he had to descend into the bowels of the tower and run the gauntlet between swinging axes to get to the Black Knight. He received wounds to his shoulder and leg from glancing blows of the axes. In spite of that he managed to defeat the Black Knight, obliterate the evil artifacts, and cleanse the well water.

The tower is no longer called the Dolorous Tower. It is now the castle of Joyous Garde, with the flags flying high. I knew immediately that I would be proud and happy to serve this master.”

“Many of the other Black Dogs ran off to find a new wicked master to serve. But several others, like me, came into the light and became happy hounds."

"There was the little black poodle, Thinks-He’s-An-Alien Black Dog, who was sweet and gentle and always felt as if he had been dropped into the Dolorous Tower and abandoned. He is now Elaine’s lap dog, Fitzroy (Fils de Roi)."

"And there was S.A.D. Seasonally Affected Black Dog. She moved to Camelot where the climate must be perfect all the year and is now known as Misty.”  

“I stayed close to Lancelot licking his hand to thank him. Seraide taught me how I could be an assistance dog for Lancelot. She gave me a pouch of the herbals he needs to take to carry on my collar. I have been Lancelot’s battle companion and assistance dog ever since. I feel a new sense of purpose. My hyper-vigilance is being put to good use. And I am truly happy now as my new name, Heureux, suggests.”

“Ah, yes, that explains it,” Lancelot burst out. “Seraide was there. She came from Avalon to bring me arms and provisions. I was very ill after I battled the Black Knight and Seraide was my regent. The weather is always perfect in Avalon. So Seraide would have been the one who legislated the new weather for Joyous Garde.”

“Well, I am so glad you have sorted that out to your satisfaction,” barked Intellectual sarcastically. “Now maybe we can continue to discuss the battle beside Castle Guinnion.”

“Hmm?” Lancelot’s brow was still furrowed and he appeared to still be deep in thought.

“Or saving the captives in the Dolorous Tower, if you would prefer!” yelped Psycho Motor.

“ Ow, ow, ow, ooooooo!” howled Emotional Dabrowski. She could feel and empathise with Lancelot’s mixture of emotions; although she would find it difficult to give names to them.

“ I understand that The Holy Grail can restore wastelands. I do not have Defeat Wicked Weather Legislator on my Hero’s To Do list. But I do have Search for the Holy Grail. Maybe finding the Holy Grail could undo the work of the Wicked Weather Legislator! I must go now. I must search for the Holy Grail!”

“Let me call a horse for you.   …. BERIC! …. Reference: Knights of the Round Table 1953 film with Robert Taylor,” snickered Intellectual.

As Sir Lancelot du Lac strode out of Cloudbank Cabin and rode away into the Fog Lake, Intellectual concluded “There goes a knight who is not just tilting at windmills. He is tilting at Wind Farms!”