I'm Not Okay

The wonder that is an alarm clock goes off beautifully, boasting of its ability to temporarily make you go deaf.

Groaning as I push it violently, almost managing to break it, I push off the blanket and place my bare feet on the cold floor.

As I’m blinded by the splitting headache that makes a breathtaking reappearance after last night, my mother’s voice echoes in my head.

“Too much alcohol isn’t good for you.”

She is absolutely correct, as she is always.

I smile thinking of my mother, her eyes always as big as saucepans while screaming the house down when I and Rick did something ‘terribly wrong’ or ‘unbecoming’.

But a smile isn’t meant to last for more than a second, especially in my case.

This time, it’s because the reason for my headache lights up the screen of my phone.

Calum: I hope to see you there, Chels.

Yeah right.

Both of us know that it would be better if I didn’t come, but when did anything ever happen according to my will?

Never.

It’s cold. So cold.

And wet.

I only see red.

I think I’m dead.

As I get up from the bed, standing on the floor waiting for my vision to clear up again, I wonder how drastically everything has changed after that incident.

I got out of the house I had basically lived in my entire life, I left my cosy little town, and I moved to a city where being carefree was the way of living.

And now, Callum wants me to come back.

He doesn’t know about what happened.

No one knows.

And I’m determined to let it stay that way.

Even if it means that Claudia will always think of him as perfect.

Even if it means that I hurt myself daily.

Even if it means that my guilt will never go away.

Because I can’t.

I can’t tell a soul.

It’s too hard.

He is inside me.

I don’t want him inside me.

I scream without making a sound.

I’m numb.

I pull up in the familiar parking lot, noting the posh cars on either side.

Wow, my ex-classmates are rich.

I’m now conscious of the peeled off paint and dust on my old car, though it never bothered me before.

I step outside.

I shouldn’t be here.

I’m such an idiot.

I open the door of my car, making a move to get inside and flee like the coward I am when I hear a voice.

Her voice.

“Chelsea, where are you going?”

I turn around to face Claudia, and I’m lost for words.

She looks beautiful, as always. Her childlike face, framed by her flowing red hair, smiles at me.

And she looks like him.

I glance away before I lose it.

“Hey Claudia, how have you been?”

“I’m doing fabulous, how about you honey? It seems like it’s been such a long time since we’ve caught up,” she says, not realizing that we haven’t talked since his death.

Which happened ten years ago.

I just smile and gesture to lead the way.

As we walk to the gymnasium, where the reunion was to be held, she doesn't stop talking.

I find out that she is a fashion designer and is looking to get a deal with some top-notch people in the business.

Well, good for her then.

Thankfully, we reach the gym before she can ask me what I was doing with my life.

The banner proudly proclaiming the “High School Reunion of the Class of ’10” had been hung up at the entrance of the gymnasium.

The corridor is lined with balloons and other party decorations, and people.

Too many people.

So, quadruple the humiliation I thought I would face if I had a freakout.

Perfect.

As we enter the gym, I am brought back to PE class, when I and Claudia used to compete in every sport we could.

I look at her, still talking about her job and how lucky she is to be doing what she loves.

What happened to us?

We were supposed to be best friends forever.

But I know the answer.

I know it too well.

Charlie happened.

He came into my life one summer morning and wrecked it forever.

Claudia had just become my friend, and we were hanging out at her place.

He had barged into the room, angrily asking Claudia where his watch was.

He had nodded at me at acknowledgement, with a slight smirk on his lips.

His hair was messy, some of it falling in his eyes, which were totally unremarkably brown.

But he was perfect.

And I was in love.

At the time, I thought that had been the best day of my entire life.

I had gotten a best friend and a hot crush on the same day.

But I was too blinded to see him, the real him.

I now know that it had been the worst day of my life.

He’s pushing harder.

It hurts.

I’m bleeding.

I’m dying.

I spot familiar faces, people I swam with, people I gave a pen to in History class and other nameless faces. Tiny children are running around, holding icecreams and cotton candy and chasing each other in a massive game of tag.

My classmates have moved on, gotten married and have kids.

And I still get nightmares over what happened that night.

But before I can let myself think about that terrible night, I spot Callum, his wife sitting next to him and chatting to a few of our old classmates.

He waves at me, his boyish charm still visible, and I curse myself once again for not having fallen in love with him.

Oh, how much easier things would have been.

But what has been done can’t be undone.

As I walk over to Callum, with Claudia at my heels, I look around everywhere for a mop of red hair.

He’s not here. No one is going to hurt you. Not again.

I reassure myself, even though the hair on the back of my neck is standing up in fear.

Not unlike that night.

My heartbeat speeds up, as I realise that I’m having a panic attack.

I rush outside, and I hear voices calling me in confusion.

But I can’t.

I can’t do this.

As I try to count down from hundred to zero, my breathing slows down.

Then I see a car.

His car.

The trees and the high school building start to spin.

Everything is black.

It’s raining a lot.

And I forgot my umbrella.

As his sleek blue car pulls up next to me and slows down, the windows roll down, and I see him.

“Hey Chels, want a ride?”

Charlie’s hair is as unruly as it usually is, he’s wearing that black jacket that I absolutely adore, and he’s sporting that smirk that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

So obviously, I get in.

I sit in the front seat, feeling shy.

So, I look forward, at the rain hitting the windshield.

There’s a pop song playing in the background, something about falling in love with a girl and not being able to let her go.

I turn to my right and stare at his side-profile, his perfect jawline, the way his hair curls up towards the ends.

I look forward when he catches me staring, and I blush.

We reach my house, and I don’t want to leave.

He doesn’t want me to leave either.

His hand is on my thigh now.

He’s kissing me.

He’s pushing me to the back seat.

I don’t resist.

After all, this is what I wanted.

He takes off my clothes.

I don’t feel ready for this.

I tell him.

He doesn’t listen.

He’s inside me.

I don’t want him inside me.

I scream without making a sound.

He’s pushing harder.

I’m bleeding.

He’s disgusted.

He’s pushing me out of the car.

He’s dragging me to the bushes.

I’m numb.

I think I’m dead.

Someone is trying to wake me up.

I see Dad.

“Chelsea! Chelsea! Wake up!”

I open my eyes to see a concerned Claudia cradling my head on her lap, and Callum and his wife staring at me, worried.

“Are you okay Chels? You nearly scared me to death!”

I look at her, and tears fill my eyes before I can control myself.

Slowly sitting up, I hug her.

“Chels, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m sorry Clau-Claudia. Charlie died because of - because of me.”

She pulls apart, anger and confusion etched on her face.

I break and tell her everything.

About how I fell in love with Charlie the first time I met him, how I started to go over to Claudia’s just to see him, how he raped me that night and left me to die, how my dad found me almost dead in the grass and vowed to kill him, my dad constantly being on the run because of me, me leaving home, everything.

She starts to cry, and this time it’s my turn to comfort her.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Chelsea, I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. Why didn’t you tell me? I knew that someone had-had killed him, but I didn’t know that it was your dad. I should have been there for you.”

“No, no Claudia. I should have been there for you when Charlie died. But I was scared. I was scared that I would tell you the truth by accident and then you’d stop being friends with me."

As we sat there and hugged each other, Callum gave me a sad, comforting smile, finally understanding why I had started getting panic attacks.

I smile back, and for the first time in a very long time, I'm not faking it.

This time around, I was going to try.

I was going to try to be okay.

I am not okay.

But I will be.