Tiffany Shultz

"-And that's why I can't love."

"I'm sorry?"

"Yeah It's terrible-"

"No I mean I don't understand. What does that have to do with your love life?"

"You seriously didn’t get it? You want me to tell that whole story over again?"

"If it’ll make you feel better…"

"Fine! Pay attention this time." Xandria shifted in her stool as she prepared to re-tell her tragic tale.

"It all started in fifth grade on the playground, she ruled the playground. Tiffany Shultz was the most popular girl at Wayward Elementary. Everything she did oozed confidence. From how she claimed the top of the slide as her castle, to how she carried out her job as line leader.” Xandria shuddered, the thought of Tiffany sent shivers down her spine. It had been over ten years but memories of the girl still haunted Xandria.

“Yes yes, Tiffany was a bully and pushed you down the slide. You can skip that part.” The man sitting in front of Xandria insisted. 

Xandria shook her head. “Have you ever heard of dramatic storytelling? It’s not a good story if I don’t exaggerate.”

The man shook his head. “Fine, whatever, keep going.”

“Thank you. Anyways, Tiffany hated me. She would send her friends to chase me around all recess and during PE, she would get the kids to call me ‘Sand-ria.’ I tried to stand up for myself, I even got a crew together to spread rumors about Tiffany having cooties, but the allegations never stuck.

"One day I decided to be bold. I managed to fight through her goons to reach the top of the slide. As soon as I got there, Tiffany showed she was stronger than she looked and pushed me down the slide. After that, something changed, I saw Tiffany differently.”  

Xandria leaned against the bar she was sitting at and waved the bartender over to order another drink.

 “Is that necessary?” The man asked. 

“I can’t tell this story sober. It’s far too painful.” Xandria replied as the bartender replaced her empty glass with a new one. 

“I still don’t get how being bullied means you can’t love.” 

Xandria tapped the side of her head, “Focus!” 

The man rolled his eyes and gestured for Xandria to continue.

 “Where was I?" Xandria tapped her chin before grinning "Ah yes, as I slid down the slide, my thinking evolved. Tiffany was a head shorter than me but still, she managed to push me down. I was sure that meant Tiffany was magic.

"I no longer saw Tiffany as my mortal enemy, I saw her as someone with superpowers. Someone I wanted to befriend. The next day, I made the climb yet again. This time I had a notebook clutched in my teeth and a white paper towel in my hand to show that I surrendered. Once I was given access to Tiffany, by her guards, the boys who always lasted the longest in the PACER test, I read from the notebook. It was something along the lines of ‘I don’t want to be your enemy. You’re really strong and I think that is cool. Do you want to come to my house and watch Winx Club?’” 

“What’s Winx Club?” 

“A show about teenage fairies. Keep up!” Xandria was getting tired of this guy interrupting her. 

“So, Tiffany said yes and she spent the day at my house. She was surprisingly fun to be around. When we got to school, my entire life was different. Every time a boy tried to talk to me, Tiffany sent her goons after him. She went around telling everyone that I was her best friend and when one of Tiffany’s friends called me ‘Sand-ria’, Tiffany broke her nose. I became her second in command and found myself bullying the very kids I use to make fun of Tiffany with.” 

The man in front of Xandria opened his mouth to speak but Xandria put her hand up to silence him. “Don’t speak, just listen. Tiffany soon grew bored of playing queen. She was tired of ruling the playground and decided that she wanted to settle down underneath the slide and play Family. 

“Of course, I knew Tiffany would be the mom. She had that maternal ruthlessness. Plus, she was prettier than me. Naturally, I thought I was going to be the baby or the dog, in kindergarten I was always the dog. But Tiffany made me the dad. 

“Can you imagine it? Me as the breadwinner of the family? I had to earn double the gold stars from my teacher so that we could keep the lights on.” 

Xandria stared off into space and let out a dreamy sigh. “Some days were harder than others. I had to work hard, rent wasn’t cheap under the slide. But I did what I could to keep Tiffany and I’s friendship going because season five of Winx Club was coming out and I couldn’t watch it without her.” 

The man checked his phone. “Hey, I just called an Uber so-” 

“Cancel it. I’m not done,” Xandria said as if the man hadn’t already heard this entire story mere minutes ago.

 “Eventually,” Xandria continued. “I saved enough of my chore money to buy Tiffany and me matching ring pops to signify our friendship. 

“Soon kids were saying that Tiffany gave me cooties and no one except Tiffany wanted to be my friend. It was us against the world.” 

Xandria wiped a tear from her eye. “Once middle school hit, I had to a new state, I remember Tiffany slept over the night before we left and when her parents came to pick her up, she became a sobbing mess. I never saw my best friend after that. 

“I didn’t have a single boyfriend in middle or high school. I’d been asked out by dozens of boys but…none of us bonded like Tiffany and I bonded. If I had never asked her to be my friend, I would be able to love. I’m convinced Tiffany put some sort of spell on me.”

Xandria completed her story of woes with a long sigh.

“So you don’t want to give me your number because a girl in fifth grade put a spell on you and made it so you can’t love?”

“Exactly! See, you do understand! She is the reason my life is terrible.” 

“That…it sounds like you liked Tiffany.”

Xandria shook her head, she had hoped the man understood her. “Obviously I liked her, we were friends.”

“No I mean, I think you had a crush on her.” 

“I’m not following.”

The man pinched the bridge of his nose and checked his phone. “Okay, so you and Tiffany pretended to be married right?”

“Right.”

“And you liked it right?” 

“Right.”

“And after that, you never liked any boys right?”

“No siree.”

“Okay, so that means you probably had a crush on Tiffany and so you’re probably gay.” 

Xandria was at a loss for words. She rubbed her chin and slowly nodded. “I…I never thought of that. You sir have opened my eyes.” 

The man stood up and patted Xandria on the shoulder. “Happy to help. Good luck out there.”

He then waved and exited the bar, leaving Xandria to process her new reality and see if Tiffany had an Instagram.