I Don't Want To

Submitted into Contest #170 in response to: Write about a plan that goes wrong, for the better.... view prompt

17 comments

Fiction Inspirational Sad

This story contains themes or mentions of substance abuse.

Times are tough. I won't deny it. We all have our struggles and most will hide it. Can't breathe anymore just keeping quiet. No need to anyways like a lawyer's client.


Money is problematic, it always has been. Hard to get your hands on even if you're asking. I try to be good. I was raised right. Learned what I had to in order to be polite. Stretch patience and bow a head. Work for what you need otherwise you're dead.


Hobby set aside working too much. killing a passion eliminates the love. I don't want to but I am desperate. Need income asap if not there'll be conflict.


Being broke just amplifies your thoughts. Plan actions that leave you lost. Counting change whatever's left. Strict with the essentials although life doesn't let. Economy goes to shit a recession hits. The price of gas doubles and everyone goes electric.


Demand a raise and threaten to quit. Legit have no backup so you rephrase it. Payday arrives then there is a sudden change. Numbers fills pride but limits its range. Bills, rent, insurance and food. Dinner for the wife and gas for the commute. Back to square one looking for a second job.


Try being an Uber and of course get robbed. Tried it for a while and it lifted me above water. Gave me breathing room until I had a daughter. Squeezing me like a sponge and drain what's left. No emergency funds an emotion that goes beyond upset. A low budget kills a bond. Me and the mother start to drift off.


The months fly by and I stand still. Do what I possibly can without the guilt. Starting to neglect myself, my daughter became a priority. I was addicted to drugs but I let go of that side of me. A demon I pray I won't dare to revisit. The hole it left in a piece of heaven I was mistaken.


Things were past due my credit tanked like Vasa. Yet I wanted to keep on going like a Honda. My ambition was strong but it didn't prove anything. Worked my ass off just to have my time shrink.


I don't want to but yeah I'll admit it's depressing. Been at my lowest, no one helping. I asked around but my family can’t. Close to eviction it breaks a man.


Started to write to rebuild that love. Pen and paper like years before the grudge. Daughter sleeping near the radiator. Blanket of a hug I wish to give forever. Noticed a contest and thought why not? It's free regardless. Let that ink drop.


So I rain my tears with lead. I don't want to but at this point no regrets. Time took a vacation. A zone I was in. Never-ending bliss just venting from within. No sound, no music but the feeling was great. A psychedelic emotion, a trip I'd say.


With my daughter as we battle on through. A poem for her to know the truth. Although I didn't want to. A pain in a book that's queued. Possibly public for the naked eye. To those with a conscience and a creative mind. Understand my effort, not my actions. I have done things I've regretted with the correct intentions.


I love you no matter what carve it in stone. Although your mother left her heart was shown. I wasn't the best partner but at least I stayed. I never cheated but the drugs were a mistake. Numb reality addicted to nothing. A space with no worries. Have that understanding. No money but I did buy the things you need. For my daughter and her angel wings.


You indeed got me out of it. Realize that a change is prerequisite. So thank you for everything deeply. I might be gone before you understand these words completely. Love doesn't die, it splits. So you keep your half like a gift. Share it responsibly I insist. Your heart is pure, you'll be fine I'm convinced.


Hit submit to make it legit. Wait for a call as I coexist. I Hug my life before I'm missed. A kiss to the head things will come around I promise.


Time flew pass and life proceeds. Daughter growing faster than my age beautifully. It's been over a year since I've placed a book out for review. Lost that contest to a different point of view. They used seasons as a metaphor into suicide. I get it. Been there before but not down to reminisce.


Ink and paper once again. A contest for publication worth throwing energy in. Lost myself at times writer's block is no joke. Didn't stop me I ran my own course. Another book about how life has been. Sympathize pain only words can represent.


I was hopping jobs like flees on dogs. A history with no explanation becomes squeamish to a boss. Never did a substance at work but got kicked off. Every management has it's own excuse but I need a damn job.


I starve some nights for my daughter's full stomach. She offers to give a portion and I insist.

"Daddy's getting slim but I ate at work honey. We will get out of here someday just got to believe. Go on food is warm you should eat. One day we will buy a house with patience and a dream."


Contest after contest comes with constant rejections. Open eyes can visualize but pain you will never see. Bring me a pen and paper then the words will grab attention. Me being dumb putting an effort assuming the rest is guaranteed. A soul fetching for a purpose is drawn to an obsession. I decided to write my heart down but it became a need.


Six months fell on it's face. My situation haven't changed. I ended up getting a call out of the blue. I answer and listened with a different mood. I had won and my book will be seen. Despite the news I was in disbelief. Shocked but happy at the same time. We arranged our meeting and boom the books out in a couple months time.


Five years pass and I'm chilling at my porch. Drinking a bit of coffee and with my daughter of course. Wow I didn't think this would happen so soon. Especially coming up from a drug abuse. Suicide has it's taste but I survived that. Like before I'm not gonna feed off vibes I no longer have.


The book became a hit I ended up releasing three. People fell in love and I became happy. Comfortable for once with no worries. My story was told and the grass became green. My daughter with a smile I never saw. Her toys and personal playground is no longer small.


She turns her head asked me what took so long. I sat there rocking my chair as silent as my lawn. Thought about it so the wrong thing isn't said. Kissed her forehead and hope she forgets.


Later that day she is in her room with a bed full of sheets and stuffed animal that's expandable. A night light for once instead of a street lamp and a broken curtain that's intangible. I tucked her in.

"Sleep well, love you. We will have some pancakes in the morning before school."


Love will either stop or motivate you. In ways to craft out a life so huge. Living in fear that later became obtuse. Which all started with something I didn't want to do.

November 03, 2022 16:46

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17 comments

Camphor White
23:27 Nov 12, 2022

"So I rain my tears with lead. I don't want to but at this point no regrets. Time took a vacation. A zone I was in. Never-ending bliss just venting from within." I love this line

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Daniel Fernandes
23:35 Nov 12, 2022

One of my favorites as well. A line that all writers can relate to. The zone we get when writing from the heart it just magical. Glad you pointed that out. I was waiting for someone to catch that and enjoy it as much as i did.

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06:16 Nov 10, 2022

Hi Daniel. Super unique story here. Lots of real moments and deep reflections. I have no idea if this was intentional, but with the way it was written and the rhymes/half-rhymes throughout, it almost read like lyrics to a rap song! Thanks for sharing!

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Daniel Fernandes
10:47 Nov 10, 2022

Hello thanks for your comment. The rhymes are intentional I like the challenge into making a long story and having it to flow. It also adds character to the story and becomes a fun read. I love old school rap and wanted to be make music but don't do well with large crowds. I had an experience that ruined that for me. I wanted to be a writer so it works out great with standing out through rhythm🤣. Thank you for enjoying my story.

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Lonnie Larson
22:58 Nov 09, 2022

Interesting! You captured the angst of nearly every writer out there, struggling to get recognized. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep it up.

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Daniel Fernandes
02:45 Nov 10, 2022

Thank you for your comment. I felt like it would be a perfect story to the contest. A side of a writer struggling to get his work recognized and trying to raise a family as a solo parent through poverty. I have written another story but it's for the next contest and that's one is actually about something that's happened to me. I'm glade you enjoyed it.

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09:17 Jul 06, 2023

Loooovve it! NOT my usual kind of thing but LOVE IT! I'M reading more!! LOVE the rhyming! LOVE IT

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Daniel Fernandes
12:55 Jul 06, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Very pleased that you enjoy my work. Pretty much all of my other stories also include the rhyming. Whenever possible take a look at a few, you'll have a blast. Some of my stories are explicit depending on the tone and setting of it of course. Here are a couple of the stories I wrote you may also love using this poem as a reference: "New Day Same Old Routine", "3AM", "Transparent Lives" Pt1 & pt2. Fills me with joy reading a comment like this one. I appreciate the love. Curious to read your t...

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15:22 Jan 09, 2023

Wow - I read your Bio and your work does rhyme - So I heard a rap beat behind the whole piece - it's really cool - and all of us can certainly relate! I don't know where this inflation mess is going - but you nailed it!

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Daniel Fernandes
17:13 Jan 09, 2023

Thank you for your comment. The rhyming always takes time but it's satisficing when it's finished. I am pleased that you enjoyed the read and take the time to comment. Pain is usually takes tears to make but for people to relate it takes the soul. Thank you once again for enjoying. I also just made a story called Transparent Lives which is a family during a recession. I think you would like that story as well.

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Graham Kinross
06:57 Dec 11, 2022

This is really interesting. I can see the time you put into crafting the rhymes here. I wasn’t reading it aloud but listening to the words in my head to see how they flowed. That’s commitment to craft.

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Daniel Fernandes
08:12 Dec 11, 2022

Thank you for your comment. Yeah, it took a bunch of time to write to editing then polish the words. I really appreciate that you notice the effort. The flow was difficult, especially with a deadline to meet. Nevertheless I enjoyed the end result. Thank you for taking the time to read and write a comment. Means a lot.

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Graham Kinross
08:56 Dec 11, 2022

You’re welcome.

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Weeza Warren
14:14 Nov 07, 2022

This was amazing Daniel. "Love doesn't die, it splits, so keep your half like a gift." I loved that line. Let the ink drop..........

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Daniel Fernandes
15:26 Nov 07, 2022

Thank You for your comment. I was in such a zone writing this I ended up surprising myself with some lines. Love has a power many are unaware of. It's up to us to choose what to do with it. Nevertheless I am really glad that you enjoyed the read. Thank You so much.

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Unknown User
00:53 Dec 12, 2022

<removed by user>

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Daniel Fernandes
02:04 Dec 12, 2022

Thank you for your comment. Yes, that line is one of my favorites. I was hoping for it to be pointed out. Everyone chasing a dream and throwing their soul in the process at some point feels like a waste of time. Every comment is another push of motivation to keep going. When I write from other people's shoes, I dive deep and do my best to emphasize the struggle. Usually, I don't do happy endings. I felt so bad for the main character suffering so much that I added the last couple of paragraphs to turn his entire life around. Yes, the daughte...

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