40 comments

Crime Funny Fiction

Ouch, Judah! You’re pinching my hair. Ouch. Now give me the mic. Judah! There is no way you’ll be able to explain the beginning. Judah!


Uhm, hi guys. Sorry about that. My brother is just...ugh! Nevermind. *sighs* Yes, so..first of all, I actually never wanted to do this but my uncle offered me free pizzas for a year if I do so, which of course, I couldn’t deny (what? It’s pizza). So, without further delay, let’s start. Okay so..let me take you back to November 28th. It was-


Ella! I should’ve never let you do this! You never gave the introduction! 


I know it, Judah! I was just about to! If you would stop interfering.


Let’s have a bit of an introduction, shall we? Hello, my name is Ella Mason, and I am here with my annoying little brother Judah, who is just two years elder than me and thinks of himself as a superstar. Do you know what happened one day? He-


Ella! You’re going off track again!


No, I am not. I am just telling them what’s true. Now, will you let me speak?


Sorry about that, again. Where were we? Oh yeah. So, the November days were burning off and two normal kids were spending a normal school afternoon. I and Judah made our way out of the school building, arguing about something vague. The air burnt a particular smell of mustard and garlic as it made every passer by’s nose tingle. Our argument was disturbed by Charlize and her all-time innocent smile. 


“Hi, Ella. Have you seen Mrs Thoron? I need to give them these files.” She asked, her voice sugar-coated as usual. 

“I don’t know” I shrugged. It was true even though I do not like Charlize very much. She is just so...so girly, with long painted nails, glossing lips and always chasing after stupid boys.


“She’s in the library. You don’t have to worry. I’ll give these to her. You can go home. Your car must be waiting.” Judah interrupted taking the files from her hand. 


“Aw! Thank you so much, Judah. You’re so kind.” Charlize exclaimed, placing her palm lightly on his shoulder and went her way back. 


Okay, I'll be honest, Judah was awestruck. He looked like a motionless carved statue who had just met the beauty of the world. His cheeks were blushing red, a strange sparkle in his eyes. I had to give him a few jerks to bring him back to his senses. Sometimes I doubted if he really is my brother (Is he? Hm...)


Oh c'mon! You’re just over-exaggerating, I did not look that dreamy. 


So you are saying you do not like Charlize?


I don’t! I mean, maybe. 


I was sitting on the passenger seat, while dad and I waited for Judah, which seemed like hours. Maybe, he met his dream girl again!


Ouch, stop kicking on my foot, Judah!


Usually, dad and I would talk for hours. He would share his work highlights or ask me about my day, but that day, an awkward foam of silence hovered the car. And we both knew the reason. It was mom’s Birthday. I never really knew my mom, just that she died while giving me birth and dad never liked this topic to be brought up. 


Time over. It’s my turn now.


What! No! I was just about to go on the real thing. 


Sorry, kiddo. Gimme the mic.


Ugh! I hate you so much. 


Hey people! Judah here. My lazy sister is not the storyteller type, but no worries, I am here now.


Who did you just call lazy?


I adjusted my feet beside Ella’s, as dad turned the key in the car. We hit the main road with screeching tires and it did not take me long to remember that it was mom’s birthday. Sometimes, I really wish I knew her, but a two-year-old wouldn’t have had that help with memory. When I closed my eyes, a fainted smile would still reflect in a few nerves of my mind but nothing else. I was humming with the ongoing tune playing on the radio when suddenly, a loud noise dominated the quiet air. The peaceful expressions were then overlapped with anxiety.


“Duck” Dad yelled from the front seat, still maintaining his tight grip on the steering wheel as he swerved to his right. I and Ella obediently sat on the base of the car, hugging our knees while our face painted fear. Tears were already streaming down Ella’s face as our minds tried to process the sudden change. A shudder crawled down my spine, involuntarily evoking the big brother side of mine. I laced my hands around Ella’s trying my best to console her. It wasn’t hard to understand the asset of the sound with the continuous dripping of harmless bullets.


A watery drip on my forehead drew my eyes to look up. At first, I assumed it to be a sweat bead. But sweats don’t come in red colour, do they? With a lifeless hand losing control on the steering wheel, our car tumbled down sideways and before I knew it, everything went pitch black, driving me through an ink soup that I feared to never come out of. 


Uh, hello guys. This is Adam, Ella and Judah’s uncle (I think they mentioned me before, did they?) The kids are having their lunch right now, so I’ll drive you through till then. 


My brother’s death and the bullet spectacle was a mess, but somehow I had gotten the whiff that it would happen. I warned my brother about it but he tossed my words as usual. 


The day after Ella was born, Joel (my brother) had called me and said that he wanted us to meet immediately. And that’s when I was introduced to reality. 


The truth was, Joel’s wife never died. After giving birth to Ella, Joel had sued her in charge of stealing his money and using it for her own benefit. Joel had left the kids at my place while he circled around the courts and lawyers. The jury’s final verdict found Joel’s wife behind the bars for the misdeeds she had performed. And trust me when I say, she was really worth it. 


Her brother, Carl was my best friend. We both graduated from the same university and the bond between us never weakened. Joel’s wife and Carl had nothing similar except for the inevitable blood relation. As a matter of fact, Carl hated her sister. Two years back, he had gone out to attend a party at his friend’s house but when he returned, his whole house was soaked with blood and a bloated carcass of his wife laid listless on the attic floor with a note on the door- 


‘You never told me you married her.

-Your sister.’ 


A day before Joel’s car accident, Carl had called to inform me that his sister had been given bail but her intentions did not seem pure. She was up to something. 


Who was up to something? 


Oh no-one Ella. Have you done your lunch? 


Almost. But we have something to show you. 


Okay, I will come in a second.


Sorry guys, I gotta go. I have not yet told the kids the truth about their mother but I plan to someday. Some day, when they will be mature enough. Goodbye for now.


----


Writer's note: This story is followed by another piece of art if you want to check out.

'It was her' by Keya Jadav.

Thank You so much for reading!


July 30, 2021 17:36

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40 comments

14:52 Aug 02, 2021

Keya!!!! I love this! Giving me TKC vibes! I love the sibling relationship!! you nailed the brother-sister dynamic. Like others were saying in the comments, it was a good transition between the different perspectives. You did an amazing job giving each character a different voice. I actually have a story kinda similar to this- it's called the Zodiac stories (part one is called "Recording the Zodiac"). Inspired of course, by TKC. I love the humor in this story as well. It's really funny :) A few critiques: ~"I and Judah made our way ou...

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Keya Jadav
15:11 Aug 02, 2021

Thank you, Katie, surely I did get inspired from TKC. And about the first critique, in one of my stories I wrote 'dad and I' so one of the viewers corrected me that pronoun always comes first. Here if you want to check the comment: https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/104/submissions/77944/ So, technically, I am really confused now. But, thank you for your review. I'll definitely try to improve. I am happy you liked it! :)

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15:42 Aug 02, 2021

Oh. Well. I looked at the comment. The pronoun is the word you use instead of a name. Pronouns include she, he, they, we, etc. So, names (like "Dad" or "Judah") are not pronouns. It is always "[other person] and I". Always. The "I" never goes first. For example: ~"Jack and I went to the store." ~"Kayla and I ate lunch." ~"You and I love PJO." I hope that helped (at least a little?)

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Keya Jadav
16:09 Aug 02, 2021

Yes, that indeed helped. Thanks a lot, Katie!

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16:31 Aug 02, 2021

np :)

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Keya Jadav
06:43 Aug 03, 2021

Hi Katie, I have written a second part of the story named 'it was her'. You can always check that out!

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Johana Htwe
08:46 Aug 02, 2021

I want to know about their mother!!! This story sounds like mafia, ya know, mafia stories from wattpad which I usually read and love instantly. Jude is right. You amazingly switch from Ella to Judah to their uncle!!! Again, you nailed at funny description!! I am learning from you, Keya. Hopefully, my story doesn't sound foolish when I write funny.😂😂 Great workkk, Keya!!!

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Keya Jadav
06:45 Aug 03, 2021

Well, Johana, your demand has been accomplished. I've written a second part! I'd be really glad If you'd check that out. It's named as 'it was her'

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Johana Htwe
07:41 Aug 03, 2021

Really!!! Yay!!! I will go check it!!

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Keya Jadav
11:05 Aug 02, 2021

Geez! You made my day, Johana! Thanks a ton. To be honest, I don't write funny stories often, and you can consider this as my first one. It means a lot! And trust me, when you will write one, you're totally gonna rock it! Give it a try, srsly.

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Johana Htwe
11:24 Aug 02, 2021

You're kidding, right? I mean, in you previous stories, I sense a funny character, like in 'I am not sleeping on the floor'. From the start, I noticed that. Anyway, I am still a fan of you😉😙.

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Keya Jadav
11:34 Aug 02, 2021

*GASPS* *SMILES* Oh, I guess you are right! Hmm... *SCRATCHES MY INVISIBLE BEARD* Thank You! P.S- I AM YOUR FAN TOO0!!

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Johana Htwe
12:05 Aug 02, 2021

🤣😂🤣Oh My God! Keya! Your comment just sooooo make me laugh😂😂

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Jude S. Walko
17:07 Aug 01, 2021

I like the technique of passing the story from the point of view from one character to another like a baton in a relay race. That was a unique story device and you pulled it off well. I would have liked to know some more of the murder back story, but the twist at the end also made for a cool ending.

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Keya Jadav
02:01 Aug 02, 2021

Thanks a lot Jude! :)

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Keya Jadav
06:45 Aug 03, 2021

Hi Jude, I have written a second part of the story named 'it was her'. You can always check that out!

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22:29 Jul 30, 2021

LOL! I love the starting. It gets you hooked from the beginning and makes you keep wanting read more about the siblings fighting. I love the title too, it really matches the story. I thought it was very interesting and creative. Great job, Keya!

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Keya Jadav
03:33 Jul 31, 2021

Thanks a lot, Bella! Glad you liked it :)

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Keya Jadav
06:46 Aug 03, 2021

Hi Bella, I have written a second part of the story named 'it was her'. You can always check that out!

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11:49 Aug 03, 2021

Oooh yay! I'll check that out now. :)

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Eric D.
04:27 Aug 21, 2021

I loved the writing style so much, how everyone took over the story, it was so meta and comical. Huge cliffhanger I thought the story would be about hip hop with the cool title ! But I love it 😋😋

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Keya Jadav
05:11 Aug 21, 2021

Thanks a ton, Eric!

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06:15 Aug 17, 2021

First of all, love the vibe, the perspective switch, etc. But a few little mistakes: 1. "My annoying little brother who is two years elder than me" doesn't really make sense, as it says annoying LITTLE brother. 2. I don't think that's a correct usage of elder. I think it's supposed to be older. 3. Judah and I, not I Judah. 4. "Arguing about something vague" is a little confusing, I suggest you change it to "something stupid" or something. Beyond that, it's great. You completely nailed the perspective switch, with different storytelling style...

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Keya Jadav
11:49 Aug 17, 2021

Thanks a lot, Lemonade for the praise and suggestions! I actually tried to make the dialogues more realistic so I've heard many annoyed people saying "My annoying little friend" or "My annoying little teacher" even though the person is not younger in age. (This seriously just happened right now! when I am replying to you. WITCHCRAFT...hehe) About Judah and I, yeah, I got confused in that many readers commented different things on the same issue. But thank you, it's all cleared now. I'll take care of the mentioned suggestions. Thanks a ...

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09:50 Aug 27, 2021

Yeah, the "annoying little brother/friend/teacher/etc" thing is pretty realistic, it just sounds a little confusing when you say right afterwards that he's older. Still, great story. Write on! *Lemonade*

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Keya Jadav
11:12 Aug 27, 2021

I'll take care of that next time :) Thank you for the suggestion!

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20:39 Aug 28, 2021

Glad to help :)

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Alex Sultan
05:16 Aug 13, 2021

I meant to comment on this earlier - I wanted to say this is such a unique style! I really like how you use italics to convey the prompt. It reads very easily and I sped through it. I'd go as far as to say this is my favorite story of yours so far.

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Keya Jadav
05:25 Aug 13, 2021

Thank You, Alex. It means a lot!! I too enjoy each and every piece of your work. :)

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Smriti Kumari
11:01 Aug 07, 2021

This was beautifully portraited by the author Super cool The point of climax seemed adventurous I have never ever read this type of story It was super super excited to read it ☺️😊☺️😊☺️😊☺️😊

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Keya Jadav
11:12 Aug 07, 2021

Thank You so much, Smriti!

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Akshara P
18:50 Aug 04, 2021

I love the starting of the story. It got me hooked from the beginning and made me want to keep on reading more about the siblings fighting! I really like the title too, it really matched with this story. 😊

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Keya Jadav
01:54 Aug 05, 2021

Thank You so much Akshara!!

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Dhwani Jain
09:09 Aug 04, 2021

Oh my! Keya, hey! I am sorry it took me son long to read this. I'll get to the review now. --> THE TITLE ~ Nice, I thought it would be funny, AND it was, in the beginning. But as the story unfolded, the genre changed to thriller/speculative. --> THE CHARACTER NAMES ~ Nice, doesn't matter much. --> THE BEGINNING ~ Cool! I loved the beginning --> THE PLOT ~ Lovely. I really liked the final twist. --> THE ENDING ~ Same as above. --> ANYTHING I LIKED/ DISLIKED ~ It was like a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters in real life ,but this was go...

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Keya Jadav
10:37 Aug 04, 2021

Hey Dhwani! Thanks a lot for reading my story. Oh and thank you so much for your corrections, i never noticed them, even after the content being proofread. Thank you.

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Dhwani Jain
14:54 Aug 04, 2021

Yeah...you asked for it. Welcome! It happens with me too, but usually I am too lazy to proofread so I just do the 'Spelling and Error' check. Welcome :) Please read and comment your reviews on my stories too! =D

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Keya Jadav
15:46 Aug 04, 2021

sure! I'll be happy to

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Dhwani Jain
15:51 Aug 04, 2021

Cool!

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Keya Jadav
16:19 Aug 04, 2021

I read it and I loved it. Check it out! I've left a review :)

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