Battleground Earth

With two minutes left in the round I was smashing through what had to have been my best game of ‘Battleground Earth’ yet when the breaking news bulletin flashed across the headset in a seizure inducing kaleidoscope of insanity. Ripping the VR goggles from my face I did everything I could to prevent myself from ralphing up Kraft dinner all over my mom’s brand new braided rug. It really tied the room together. Finally regaining my balance I slammed on the teleset and watched as the horror brandished across the screen. Fire rained down from the sky destroying everything in its path. Schools were engulfed in flames, hospitals reduced to rubble, churches blown to bits, even Grandma Gertie’s Goody shop perished in the hellfire. Nothing was safe.

“Killer bunnies from space! Run for your lives!” The news caster wailed as streams of blood decorated the camera.

Jaw agape; my eyes penetrated the screen as it went black in front of me. Perspiration pounded through my shirt causing dark rings to form under my arms and my pants were damp with what was definitely not sweat. I had to get out of there. I had to find my mom and protect her from those furry little bastards. I knew the first time I laid eyes on one of them something felt off. Everyone thought they were so adorable, but they didn’t fool me. I could see the malevolence peeking out through those beady eyes. Every strawberry, raspberry, and cherry chomped by those bucked tooth beasts was clearly a secret desire to feast upon fresh human flesh.

Vibrating with the urgency of an emergency room nurse I catapulted myself down the hallway and into my bedroom to prepare. If it was war they wanted it was war they were going to get. I was ready to kick their fuzzy little asses back to whatever cursed cluster of stars they came from. I armed myself with a baseball bat, a fresh pair of underwear, and a really shitty plan then set out to rescue my mom from the chaos erupting in the streets.

The horrific images blasted across the news had in no way prepared me for the nightmare that revealed itself as the garage opened its great mouth exposing me to the new world. Butchered bodies littered the pavement erecting a maze of dismembered arms and legs. No one was left untouched. Miss Stanwick down the road, little Billy and his bicycle, Martin the mechanic, and even mail man Steve all laid dead before my eyes. It was complete pandemonium. I blinked back tears for fallen friends then grabbed my bike and rolled off into the unknown.

Heat poured over me as flames licked my skin and gelatinous legs propelled my ten-speed down the road. I figured that if my mom was still somewhere near her office building I would be able to find her and save her from the madness. The law offices of Holman, Holman, and Shultz was only eleven blocks from my house, but right then the distance seemed to only grow with my fear. It was the longest ride of my life.

Six blocks into my journey I crossed paths with a pack of the wild man eaters. I was fortunate that most of them were Earth recruits and was able to annihilate them with one good crack of a Louisville slugger. The space freaks were a different story though. They all varied in size, but not one of them seemed to be smaller than a fully grown Pekingese Poodle. Fresh blood matted up and stained their snowy white fur reflecting the monstrous nature within. I swung my bat at them with a ferocity that only ancient warriors might have known, but they surrounded me and I was tackled from all sides. My head bounced off the sidewalk with such force that it temporarily knocked me into another reality. When I opened my eyes I found that I was pinned down by three of them, each one with the emaciated strength of a malnourished toddler. As I attempted to break free from my fluffy captors a shriek of a voice shot out from the dark.

“You experiment on our kind.” The voice spat out.

With one pretentious hop the earth shook beneath me and from the shadows came a five foot tall rabbit built like a linebacker. This was not your average rabbit, space freak or not.

“You keep us in cages and you gawk at us with your filthy smiles.” It hissed out at me as it leapt from its place on the pavement landing firmly on my chest knocking the speech from my body. “You experiment on us and you commit genocide in the name of beauty as you inject us with your strange chemicals and poisons” with each word that erupted from its fuzzy little lips the sharpened claws of the overgrown beast twisted and turned and sunk further into my flesh.

I couldn’t believe that I was about to be taken out by Peter fucking cotton tail and his band of bunnies. Out of all the insane ways I could have possibly thought to go being beaten to death by a pack of space rabbits was definitely not on the list.

The rabbit cried out once more in a thunderous squeak “You remove our feet and you hang them from chains and you rub them for good luck. I wonder how lucky YOUR feet are, human.”

As the last words left its lips the tip of a well-placed samurai sword sprung forth from the mouth of the great beast and blood rained down upon me. His body fell limp and suddenly I was free from his oppressive weight. The other three were reduced to stains in seconds by my sword wielding guardian angel.

“Are you ok, Baby?” the woman’s voice caressed me to my feet and when I looked at her I was in disbelief.

“Mom?!” I cried, wrapping my arms tightly around her. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know, Baby. But we can’t go home.” She replied.