Those Voices

Dear diary,

It’s been one week since I've had trouble sleeping. It’s not my eyes, it’s my brain that I just can’t shut off. A lot of thoughts come into my mind. Thoughts about my past, present, and future. Thoughts about what happened to me, what could happen to me. What if that didn’t happen, what if that would happen. All I do is just think without having control over it. 

 A Lot of voices inside my head telling me stories of my childhood, like a mother tells her grownup about something they did. But those voices don’t tell the stories a mother would tell her kid, they tell me or more like remind me of my embarrassing, terrible situations. Remind me of the memories I just want to forget, which I manage to do in the day but at night, when I lay on my bed to make the tiredness go away. They come. To make me realize that I’m don’t doing enough to achieve what I want. That I won’t be the lucky one to get a life I want. I’m just all talk and no action. They remind me of my daily life problems. 

They mock me over my fears, my mistakes, I made in the past and I’ll in future too. They laugh at me, give me lectures. That answering in front of the classroom is not a big deal. Everyone can do it so why can’t I, always making a fuss of everything. I can’t even talk to a stranger properly. Not taking part in any co-curricular activities why? because everybody would notice me. Everyone would know about my existence. That’s pathetic, nobody cares. For them, it’s about everyone but for me, it’s just me. I don’t do it because I fear anyone. I just have no control over it, just like I don't have control over those voices.

They don’t let me sleep, because I would have a dentist's appointment tomorrow. What if I do or said something stupid. What if the doctor said I didn't floss properly

They tell me that I should be worried about the exams I'm gonna have in the next month. That it’s not the time to sleep and rest. What am I even taking rest, I didn’t do anything at all the whole day. I should be doing something about my future. Something about to get away from this life circle I'm living in. 

 At once they would be telling me about my future and suddenly they would tell me about my present. That's how I can afford the things I want. How I always have to delay everything I want to do. To go somewhere, to buy something, just because I can't afford anything.

They would tell me how much of a failure I am. How unhappy my parents would be of me. I haven’t done anything at all in my life to make anybody proud. It’s like I have no talent at all. 

The whole night, they don’t discuss one thing or part of my life. From my career to my parents, then my friends, then the things I want to do, everything about my life is terrible for them.

How my friends are even with me. How I can’t share anything with my friends or even my best friend because they would get bored. Do you remember the face she was making when you were telling her about how nervous you got when your crush smiled at you? She rolled her eyes, don’t you know what that means. She was bored stupid. Go to someone else, who is interested in your thoughts and fears.

But there is no one I could talk to, I don't wanna talk to anyone, anymore. Because when everything, every overwhelming feeling gets over, I feel pathetic. Pathetic to be sad, to be worried about small things. And then I would thank myself for not telling anyone. I don’t like that about myself. How could anyone take an interest?

If I’m the one to judge myself how would anyone else not. That’s why I tell you. Because you don’t say, just listen. I tell you everything. On a bright shiny morning or a lonely night, no matter the time the circumstance you would be there, without any whining or complaining. But while telling you everything I also fear what if you spill everything to someone. It’s not like I don’t trust you, I trust you with my life. It’s others I don't trust. What if they read you and know all the things I wrote while feeling overwhelmed. I don’t even like them whenever I try to read them. They can’t know them if they knew they would laugh. 

maybe those voices in my head are right. I am pathetic. I fear about people, about the future, about those voices. Those voices are my fear. But I have to live with them. I have to bear those days when they come to meet me as if they are my guests, just like I bear my periods.

But no matter what, after telling me of my useless existence, about my embarrassing past, my in the vain present and my unsuccessful future, they stop. And the moment I gain control over my brain. I feel the tiredness, not only physically but mentally. My teary eyes which I wouldn't even know when they got wet, would get close spontaneously. My brain and body would feel relaxed. And sleep would finally take over me. But no, sleep is not my fortune. 

The moment I would feel like sleeping, my stomach would growl, in anger. After my mind would curse me, it’s my stomach's turn. It’s like I'm born to be scolded by my own body.

But I’m too stubborn, if my mind would speak against me I would let it, if my stomach would growl at it because it’s hungry then I'll let it. It’s not my problem if it’s hungry in the middle of the night and the time when normal people sleep. I wouldn’t get up and feed this sack of hungry rats in the middle of the night. 

Even if I have to spend the whole night turning sides on the bed and ignoring the rambling of my stomach….