AGING GRACEFULLY…OR NOT!

<Remembers the Banters? Yes, they’re still alive and back to lighten your day with some dialogue-only humor. Comments welcomed and appreciated. Enjoy!>

Matthew, I’m really pissed off!

Christophe? Who’s Christophe, Martha. I’ve never heard of him.

Oh Lord, give me strength! Matthew, turn up your hearing aid for heavens sake. I’m two feet away from you and you can’t hear me? Or is it you don’t want to hear me? Which one?

Martha give me a minute, love, to adjust my hearing aid and catch up with you. I’m sitting here quietly, reading my paper and all of a sudden you come in like a train roaring into a subway station and talking about someone named Christophe. I need time to transition from my newspaper to whatever it is you have to say to me this time. Is it different from the story you told me five minutes ago? And who’s Christophe?

Matthew, I didn’t say Christophe. I said I’m pissed off!

Oh, I’m sorry. I can hear you a bit better now. So what are you pissed off about this time? Is this another Martha moment or is it a full-blown Martha meltdown?

Well, I suppose if you’re going to be pedantic again, and split hairs as you usually do, I would have to call it closer to a Martha meltdown. But stop distracting me, Matthew, or I’m going to forget what I was going to say.

Yes, that’s happening a lot with you these days isn’t it, my love. You’re catching up with me at last. Now I’m not the only one with memory problems. Good to have company on this leg of our journey together. Dare I say it but I can’t wait till your hearing goes too. You know, misery loves company.

Matthew…stop it! You’re doing it again. You’re making fun of me, completely distracting me and making me forget what I want to say.

Oh, ok love. I just enjoy getting a rise out of you. So tell me what’s got your knickers in a knot this time, and why you say we’re in for another Martha meltdown?

Well, it’s only a mini meltdown by now, Matthew, but it’s about our recent decision to try and socialize with our old friends from way back when. I’ve decided I’m not sure I want to try it after all.

Oh, why? What’s brought this on? For months now you’ve been yapping at me about how bored you are here at home, and that we never go anywhere, and we never do anything interesting, and we never see anyone we used to know, yadda, yadda, yadda. And now you’re changing your mind about getting out and about more often? What’s going on?

Well, it has to do with the last few times we ran into people we know, whether it’s just casual acquaintances or good friends whom we haven’t seen for a while. Matthew? Are you listening to me?

Yes I’m listening, Martha.

Matthew, how can you be listening to me when I can see that you’re still scanning that newspaper article you were reading?

Martha, it might surprise you to know that I actually can multitask.

Well fine. But would you kindly refrain from multitasking right now when I’m trying to tell you something that’s important to me.

Of course, love. I’ll even take off my glasses so I can hear you better.

Um…since when do your glasses make you hear better?

Oh, you know what I mean Martha. Now who’s splitting hairs? It will allow me to concentrate 100% on what you were saying. Now what is it dear?

OK, well how should I put this? The last few times we ran into somebody we hadn’t seen for years, I came away feeling so bad. Remember when we bumped into the Nicholsons when we went for a walk down on the foreshores a few months ago?

Nicholsons…Nicholsons? Oh yes, I remember. We had such a lovely chat with them… not that I remember much of it now. But why did you come away feeling bad? Was it because they couldn’t remember our names? I couldn’t remember theirs either. Surely you didn’t feel bad about that did you?

No, it wasn’t about that at all. It was about what they said when they first ran into us.

And that was?

Well, the first thing out of Joan’s mouth was ‘Matthew… you haven’t changed one bit! Just as handsome as ever, you devil, you!’

Oh yes, I do kind of remember that. Made this old 83-year-old feel a little bit younger. Been a very long time since a woman called me a handsome devil. Must admit Joan looked great for her age too.

Thanks for nothing, Matthew!

Wha…? What did I say wrong this time?

It’s not what you said Matthew. It’s what you didn’t say!

What I didn’t say? I’m sorry, Martha, but you’re being confusing. You know that I’ve never been very good at reading between the lines. Spell it out for me. I truly don’t know what you mean…

What I mean is exactly the reason that I don’t want to go and socialize with friends like the Nicholsons and others anymore. You see, while Joan was busy gushing over you and what a handsome rogue you are, Ralph and Joan said nothing to me about my looks. The same thing happened when Adam and Barbara met us at Costco a few days back. Adam said ‘Hey old man! You look great for your age, doesn’t he Barbara?’ And then he turned to me and said ‘Martha…I hardly recognized you!’ Do you realize how that made me feel, Matthew?

Well, I can’t help it if I’ve got good anti-aging genes, Martha.

Thanks for nothing again, Matthew.

Oh cripe, Martha. Could you just get to the point so I can get back to my paper?

My point, dumbo, is that both times I must have looked terrible! And those aren’t the only times this has happened in the last ten years when we’ve run into old friends. Everybody always says how great YOU look. No-one ever says I look good!

Well, would you prefer that they tell you the truth?

Thanks for nothing again, Matthew. I’m done here. Go back to your darned paper!

Martha? Where are you going? Come back here, sweetheart. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Come on. Come back here. Oh boy…are you mad at me now? Geez, I can’t win. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Martha, listen to me. All I tried to say is that you’ve always been one of the first to tell me and others that if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. And you are absolutely right about that. I couldn’t agree more. I guess the Nicholsons and the others decided to keep their mouths shut. They were just trying not to be rude…

Martha, where did you go?