Rest in peace

Rest in peace, that’s what flowed through me as I laid in Shavasana (the corpse pose). My favorite and most soothing yoga pose. The relief was neither in the inhale nor the exhale, it was actually after the exhale, the pause before the next deep inhale made me feel like I was in another realm connected to my higher self with utmost potential. At that moment I felt harmony with the rest of the universe. The purple mat I was on, rested on the white tiled floor which was also accompanied by other breathing souls. It truly felt like I was an integral part of the ecosystem and I couldn’t help but wonder if one were to maintain this state, would they slip into the hands of death? If so, then it would be the smoothest transition of worlds like lifting a strand of hair from butter.

“When you’re ready, bring your hands to your heart center, and thank yourself for taking out time to take care of your body today and remember the mantra breathe in love and breathe out love and in fact you are love.” Arshida, our instructor, calmly said.

“ Open your hands, face them to the sky and gently flutter your heavy eyelids. Then look into your palms and caress your body from the top of your head to your toes.” It had become a ritual, but each time we did it it felt like the first time. The intention was to bring out the effect of this transferring the thankful energy from the palm to every part of the body for being in service to you which was beautiful.

“I would like to end this session on a warm note only if all of you can keep a secret.” While everyone looked at each other, the echo sprung from one of my ear to the other ear.

Secret secret secret, broken broken broken selfish selfish selfish 

My breathing becomes uneven and a blink of an eye shows me a time-lapsed scene but its reverberation, strong enough to cause domestic war.

2010 (10 years ago)

“How many years do you think chevda (Indian savory) after expiry would take before it can cause internal bleeding?” asked Zayfa.

“Instead of asking about food you should be thoroughly preparing for your interview knowing the task is a very weighty one.” I replied. I had managed to secure a job as a manager at an aerospace company called Lockheed Martin and my little sister was next in line. She however wanted to be part of the cosmonaut team.

As she always said “ When I close my eyes I see myself standing in a vast crater looking at the blue and green globe and knowing when people look back up they see a buttermilk glow and a silver lining around the moon along with the stars freckled across the sky sending ripples of joy. They may only see a phase or a crescent of it, but as I stand there knowing its whole while waving a white flag back.”

“And what if you fall off?” I would always ask despite knowing the answer.

“Then I’ll be a shooting star illuminating hope to a newlywed couple or a person in despair of life” she said in a wholesome manner.

The awaited day came and we were in the conference room and across Zayfa sat four prim and proper panelists who looked like they were about to interrogate every year of her life. She sat in a sharp style imitating an arrow.

She turned to look back at me and gave me a faint smile knowing there was hope and I stood there with the excuse of being a consultant.

As expected her firm and passionate answers outdid the practice we had done prior and it seemed she had knocked into three of the panelist’s heads.

“Seeing that you have meal and survivor skills covered you also may already have knowledge of the new nitrogen dioxide emitters which could possibly be an allergy to some individuals, do you agree that you will be in a position to maintain absolute safety around these?” The last panelist asked an unforeseen question which soon went down the ally.

I stared into the back of her head trying to telepathically communicate

Say no Zayfa no you know the dangers we’ve seen it before no no no

“Yes I do” She replied.

After she was asked to leave the vicinity and politely wait for a decision to be made, without any reconsideration I asked them not to give her a place in the company as I knew about each of her health conditions.

For the longest time she was in the darkness thinking she was denied the opportunity due to change of plans of the company. The day I finally disclosed to her I was the real perpetrator she made her way into chronic depression under the impression I had ruined her life.

I was untrustworthy and a jealous inconsiderate woman who hasn’t grown up yet. I made her words mine and let them haunt me because it wasn’t the first time I had let out something I shouldn’t have. I took my rant journal and scribbled the following:

Sometimes I don't keep things to myself and it comes and bites me.

Why would I let out someone's secret or something? To make conversation? To gain the better hand of someone else? To help people know things that are being kept from them? To find out the truth? If so I ask you why would people trust me enough to tell me? Is it because I enjoy coming to a level of solid foundations in your relationships and knowing that people can count on me, only to lead to their sheer disappointment.

Why would I have the urge to expose someone because I can’t stand contradicting information? Or because I actually care about the long term consequences?

I really don't know what to do I feel like I'm losing all my friends step by step I've done each one dirty somehow whether I'd like to believe it or not there’s not even one friend I haven't done dirty. I'm just a person who likes other people's approvals. As much as it hurts to say how can I have not been loyal to even one friend or a family member? I solidly know that my loyalty is the worst out of all fake loyalties because at least other people be will be disloyal openly in comparison to mine.Today I let down my own sister and I really don’t deserve any place in world.

She knew she’s asthmatic and the last thing one with the disorder would want to be surrounded by is nitrogen dioxide, its fatal for her. She was willing to die just to have a glimpse of the moon but didn’t think once of her family. Maybe I’m being selfish like always only seeing what I gain the relationship not what she would want.

I Fiya solemnly swear to never make contact with Zayfa because I am the biggest hurdle and I wish to never let anyone tell me a secret which I could break.

2020

That very entry is the reason I refused to deeply connect with anyone except myself through meditation to this day.

After everyone started to make small talk trying to guess what Arshida’s secret is, she finally decided to end the suspenseful atmosphere and ask, “How many people are in this room?.”

“14!” Reina, one of the other yogi's exclaimed.

Arshida laughed and held the bottom of her stomach“make that 15”. Thereafter came huge applause.

“I have decided to name my baby Zaifa” She chuckles while all the peace departs from me bringing back all the misery.