Life Without Her

If you told me that the love of my life would be cursed by an ancient god years before our marriage I wouldn't believe you.

But I wasn’t told that before I proposed to her

I wasn’t told that before we had children

I wasn’t told that until the god came to take her away

Now I’m here

Going through the same routine that we both went through

Without her by my side

I get up and head to the bathroom to start my routine

Deep inside of me, I expect her to come in and nuzzle her chin at the crook of my neck as she usually does

The brief minutes we have before the kids start waking up

Just as I finished brushing my teeth the wailing starts

“I’ll get Charlie you get Rebecca, dear,” I said almost instinctively before cursing

It’s hard not to have her around anymore

I don’t know how to do anything without her with me

How do I raise two kids without her?

How do I look at our daughter who is a replica of her whenever her mother showed me her childhood photos?

One thing’s for sure is that ancient gods are jerks

I sigh as I step out of the bathroom and rush to the room where the two children were crying for their mother. After I calmed Rebecca down she looked at me with bright blue eyes

“Where’s mommy,” she asked making my heart stop for a minute before it started beating again

Ever since she was taken Rachel had asked this question, “Remember,” I began mustering a cheerful voice. “Mommy is on a very important work trip that will take a long time for her to come back from. We’ll get to see her again shortly,” I paused before glancing at the crying form of Charlie, “could you help me get ready for today? You two will be going to Aunties while I work.”

“Yay, Auntie Li,” the oldest cheered before pushing herself out of the bed and rushing to the bathroom

Lisa Richardson

A friend that she introduced me to

A friend that we visited every day since she moved next door to us

A friend that I continue to visit as if you were still around

I grab Charlie part of me expecting her to take the responsibility away from me chastising me for stressing too much. She was the mother for me in our relationship, making sure I didn’t overwork myself whenever I stressed about the kids or work.

And there she was stressing about the god who would take her away as soon as her life was happy and stable

Questions run through my mind constantly from that night, the most pressing one being only a single word

Why?

After I changed Charlie’s diaper I take him to the kitchen and set him in the high chair before setting a bowl of Cheerios in front of him. “Make sure you eat something other than sugar Becca,” I called out to her as I heard her rushing back into the room I had just left. “Could you help me get Charlie ready as well,” I asked as I passed the room to get changed

“Stop stressing my dear,” her voice said in the back of my mind as Rebecca answered with a nod and a smile. “You worry too much,” she would say as she’d usher our eldest child into the kitchen making sure she ate more than the sugary cereal that she favored so much

“Come on dear,” I whispered, “Becca can handle it, I give her small tasks to do and she steps up to the plate just as you would.”

I imagine how Rebecca will be when she’s an adult

She’ll have my stubbornness while vaguely remembering the care her mother would give 

Each lullaby

Almost every song is sung to her if I kept singing them

Those songs became repetitive but I remember her smiling whenever we finished

Her laughter whenever Rebecca jumped off the edge of the couch whenever the song had finished. I slide on my jacket as I look in the full-length mirror buttoning the middle button and adjusting the tie.

She would always come up and fix the tie ever so slightly before either kissing me or grabbing a different tie from the closet muttering her disbelief about how I could wear a suit without being trans.

Every day she would try to get me to wear a dress to work

It feels odd without her pulling teeth for that even after a month with her gone

It feels odd not having her laughter

Her comfort

Her aide

Her at my side at almost every moment of each day

She was my anchor each and every day

We had our ups and downs but this could be the worst of it if she didn’t see the loophole

I remember how she acted days before god took her from our bed

She was distant

As if she was getting me ready to not have her by my side

But I’m clingy to the ones I love

I won’t let them go even if it kills me

But she convinced me enough to let her go so the kids didn’t go through what I did

But at what cost

I still see her in the kitchen when I walk out of the bedroom

I see her looking up and smiling after her shoulders sagging seeing that I still didn’t put on a dress

I can still imagine the cheer that she would give if I came out wearing a dress that was suitable for work

“Mommy,” Rebecca’s voice sounded in my head, “are you okay?”

I forced a smile as I realized a tear had rolled down my cheek, “Yeah little one,” I began, “just remembering a bad dream is all. You and Chuck ready to go,” I asked fabricating the cheerfulness that I started with

Her face lit up, “Yeah,” she began before leading me to Charlie’s high chair, “Chucky even ate up all his Cheerios.”

I grinned, I could almost imagine what my beloved would say if she were here. “That’s awesome,” I began as I looked at the sink, “did you eat some fruit with your cereal?”

Rebecca nodded vigorously with a grin plastered on her face, “I ate an orange,” she began, “it didn’t taste good with toothpaste though.”

I chuckled, “I guess that is something you’ll have to keep in mind, am I right?”

Rebecca’s grin widened even more as she nodded, “Yeah,” she said before rushing to the door, “can we go now mom?”

“Of course little one,” I said as I picked up Charlie after sliding my shoes on, “make sure you get your shoes on.”

As I was working on getting Charlie’s shoes on him I watched as Rebecca struggled to get her shoes tied. “Mommy, I’m going to need help,” she said as I smiled, “can you do the bunny method that mom would do?”

I chuckled as I remembered my wife walking down the hall to teach it to her, “Sure thing,” I began as I finished Charlie’s last velcro buckle before setting him on the floor. “You ready,” I asked as I took the shoe in hand

“Yeah,” she said with a grin as I took her shoelaces and began the song

“Bunny ears, Bunny ears, playing by a tree. Criss-crossed the tree, trying to catch me. Bunny ears, Bunny ears, jumped into the hole, popped out the other side beautiful and bold. Can you do the next one,” I asked her once I finished the song

She nodded before taking the shoelaces of the other shoe that was already on her foot

When she sang the song it almost sounded like my wife was singing it with her, “I’m done mommy,” Rebecca’s voice chimed in to bring me back to the present to see a perfect bow

“Wow,” I began as I looked at her, “you’re a quick learner little one.”

“I’ve had quite the teachers,” she said with a giggle as I arched an eyebrow, “you and mom.”

I grinned, “Of course,” I said as I kept my heartbreak from showing, “come on, let’s go to Auntie Li’s.”

“Yay,” she said, jumping up as I turned to get Charlie who started sucking his thumb.

I opened the door letting Rebecca go ahead of me before I turned around and closed it behind me, being sure to lock it before I walked the path to Lisa’s house. “Hello old friend,” I began with a smile once she answered the door, “care to watch these wild ones for me while I work today?”

“Is that even a question,” she began as she took Charlie from my arms, “come inside I need to talk to you about something.”

I nodded as I walked in and sat down on the couch as she took the kids to the playroom that she had set up. “What’s up,” I asked once she returned

“I think I should ask you that question,” Lisa began before sitting in a chair across from me, “how are you feeling?”

I bit my lip, “Everything feels off,” I began as I looked at the clock. I had two hours until work so I could unload here. “It feels that she’s still here but I know that she’s with that god or something.”

Lisa bit her lip, “I’d hate to tell you this Mic,” she began as she looked at me in the eyes, “but I knew about the curse.”

“Neither of you thought to tell me,” I asked and she quickly responded

“I suggested it but she batted it away saying that it keeps you away from her,” Lisa had said and I froze. “I kept telling her that you wouldn’t leave her for anything, I even suggested bringing it up to you to see if we could find a loophole together. But she declined it,” Lisa looked up at me with sympathetic eyes, “I’m sorry Michelle.”

“You knew but you never went behind her back to tell me,” I began and she nodded, “I keep forgetting how strong your friendship was,” I muttered. “Y’all were like bread and butter,” I chuckled, “every morning feels the same until I realize she’s not going to nuzzle her chin in my neck. I imagine her coming up to help with the kids every day like she used to but it’s all gone now. I can’t imagine anything else, it still feels like she’s here,” I paused, “it feels like what I’m telling Rebecca is what I’m trying to tell myself daily. But every time I keep trying to tell myself that I remember that night where she was taken. Me waking up to an empty bed when she was just cuddling me moments before. I remember her begging me to let her go so the kids had someone to look up to. I swore to myself that I will never let them see the abuse that I saw.”

“It’s going to feel a little repetitive until you accept everything,” Lisa said, “I had someone like that but I didn’t have children with them.”

I looked up, “You did?”

She nodded, “Years ago,” she began, “which is why Kylie thought it would be a good idea to give it a shot. She didn’t know that she would fall for you though,” she said after a pause

I sighed, “Neither did I,” I began, “life without her just isn’t the same, it’s like a broken record repeating the same chords every few minutes.”

“You’ll get the hang of it my friend,” she began, “I promise,” she paused to check the time, “you should get going. Collect yourself before you step into work today, I’m here if you need anything.”

I smiled, “Thanks Lis,” I said as I stood up, “I’ll see you when I get off.”

“See you then,” she said as she leads me to the door

And with that, I was off to live the broken record life that I was left to live

Who knows

Maybe the record will fix itself in time.