The chance

Trigger Warning: This story contains violence and it mentions the Ukraine War. It is meant for comedic purposes only with no intention to harm anybody!



I was at the mall when it happened. Looking for toilet paper, thinking about the ingredients of the stew I was about to cook, just the usual grocery shopping. When we do tasks as mundane as this one, we tend to block out everything happening around us. We get into a trance-like state, and then suddenly, reality comes back at us.

For me, it was a tough snap back into the moment, through a big crash and a loud bump. While looking at the toilet paper, I walked right into the man in front of me. In a moment of numbness, I could not grasp the weight my action would have on humanity. I just said, “Sorry sir”, made some little gesture with my hand, and wanted to go on and about with my day. But it wasn’t as easy as that.

A few moments later, my perfect world of mundanity came crashing down. I finally realized. His shy blue eyes were inconspicuous, his conciliatory reaction natural, and his eastern-European accent a bit funny at most. The old man seemed harmless and nice like he could not harm anyone. But I remembered.

I saw a news article last week, that Wladimir Putin would be visiting my country. The Russian dictator wanted to improve our countries’ relations, as his offensive war further and further alienated the Russian Federation. But why would he travel unguarded in such a crowded place?

I looked around. A bad suspicion rose inside of me. I just ran into one of the most powerful people in the world. A proud and dangerous person. Invading his personal space like this could be seen as an attack. Was he already plotting to kill me? He wouldn’t walk around like that without protection. There is probably some guard placed somewhere with their eyes on me. Once I set foot somewhere isolated, he is going to end my life.

Empty. I can spot no one in the whole aisle. The Russian dictator also seems quite calm. He moved on a few shelves and seemed to be looking for a new toothbrush. Of course, he does not need any protection. Putin is a judo master and used to work for the Soviet secret service, so he knows how to protect himself. And big security parties would probably be quite obvious.

For the moment, it seemed like the big rival to the West would spare my life. A wave of relaxation overcame my body. Finally, my defense mechanism seemed to rest again. I could just go on and pick the right toilet paper. Buy everything for my stew. Go home, and never think about the incident again.

But wait. That would not be right. I have to think about all the people that have died. Putin is a threat to global peace and has started a war in which families on both sides get torn to pieces. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Putin is normally very defensive and secretive. He never leaves his bunker-like residencies, and only lets a handful of people visit him.

There must be something I can do. In the meantime, the president for a lifetime strolled over to the next aisle. Slowly, I picked up the chase. I can’t just go over there and kill him, I’m no superhero or killer, just an ordinary man getting his groceries. But maybe if I surprise him. There is a cooking knife in my basket. How could one surprise this martial arts master? It would probably just mean the end of my life. But for once in this short life of mine, I could finally achieve something. My school graduation was mediocre at best, my degree seems made up, and my job is a dead end. There could be more to life than just eating pizza in bed on a Friday evening.

I just need to take my chance. Now, Wladimir has already moved on to the next aisle. I raised my tempo, still staying under his radar. Sadly, he went into a big room full of shoppers without cover. I couldn’t do it in front of this many people. So, I had to wait until he found his next item. Putin chooses minced meat. He seems to be preparing for some spaghetti Bolognese. To lower his suspicion, I picked up some sausages.

He starts moving again. Now we are almost at the checkout. I have to act fast. If I do not use this chance, I will look back on it my whole life. But could I do such a thing as harming somebody? I’m a peaceful man, I have never done anything to anyone. I would not even know how to do it. This was all a stupid idea. If I stop now, I could go home and eat stew in front of the TV.

It is too late. My hand is already unpacking the kitchen knife. The dictator is looking for his purse with his back turned on me. In a small, isolated aisle right next to the checkout. I seem to have chosen the perfect moment. I reach for the knife. Like the killer in an old horror b-movie, I creep up on Putin. How should I swing the knife and where should I aim? Probably for the heart or something like that. I reached back with my knife to take a strong stab.

“Piotr Johnson”. Two words. A name. Quite mundane, but the most important two words in my life. These two words stood on the UK driver’s license in his newly found purse. I quickly put the knife away and retreated to the checkout. What’s wrong with me? I almost killed an innocent man! I definitely consume too much media. After a short fight with the cashier about the already unpacked kitchen knife, I headed straight home and watched TV.