Alone

Alone

The bright lights of the city had beckoned for years. She had left the small rural village in the Yorkshire Dales far behind her as she travelled across the globe to that high flying job she had sought for some time. She felt like she had finally made it. Those years at university were starting to pay off and they were not as useless as her traditional farming family had made her think. She could hear her father’s words echoing through her brain “what do you mean you are going to Singapore?” “your place is here, at home” “the sheep won’t feed themselves” “you haven’t even got a husband yet.”

“I’ll show them” she thought. She arrived at the world’s number one airport with no real trepidation and excitedly grabbed a taxi to her hotel. Upon her arrival at her temporary home, she threw down her suitcases which she was to live out of until she was able to move into the apartment that had been provided to her by her new employers and she immediately ventured out into the urban streets to take in her new surroundings. 

It was exhilarating – she was here alone, and she had been the first in her family to strike out, to go abroad and leave the green valleys of home behind. She was giddy with excitement and felt every twitch in her stomach, like fluttery butterflies. The street lights were dazzling and intense, there was a bustling sound of business as people went about their lives, the city smelled of smog and the humidity hung in the air like a dense and claustrophobic unseen blanket slowly choking her in a vice like grip on her throat. Beads of sweat immediately formed on her brow and as she stalked the streets, her blouse became damper, sticking to her skin uncomfortably. “Well”, she thought, “this was not like home.” She was certainly not going to need the big woolly fisherman’s jumpers that she had brought from home.

She threw off any negative energy and undaunted, ventured on. She couldn’t wait to indulge in the street food, to sample the exuberant clubs and bars, to embrace the culture and traditions associated with a different country, to meet new people and to otherwise throw herself into a new life. There was nothing wrong with the life she had left behind but this was a real journey, an urban safari. She felt fearless and optimistic but as she searched the streets for these new adventures, she couldn’t seem to shake off old feelings of being alone. 

Singledom had not really bothered her but she conceded that it would have been better to share these new experiences with a special someone.  She shrugged off any concerns and went on with her quest to find life. It wasn’t long until she found herself back at the hotel, having walked in a mainly circular route, with the comfy bed calling her name and as she fell into that feathery bed made up of ultra sanitised pristine white sheets, she hoped she would find her feet quickly.

After her arrival, she started her new job the following day with vigour and a renewed zest and looked forward to her first full weekend with time to herself in this bustling conurbation. She attempted to phone home but there was no response and she remembered it was lambing season so her parents would be busy on the farm. Still, she wanted to let them know she had arrived safely. She knew her parents had little grip on technology so the chances of them contacting her were minimal.

There was nobody else in her life to talk to. She had left her best friend embarking upon a new relationship so she had been preoccupied with thoughts of this blossoming romance as opposed to the fact that her lifelong friend was trotting off to the other side of the world chasing that dream job which now started to feel somewhat insignificant. “Who could she talk to?” she pondered. Her family were busy, her best friend was busy and there was no ‘other half’ to chat to.  In any event, the time differences between continents was making such communication difficult. 

Again, she shrugged off any concerns and decided to ‘go forth’ into the big city and live the life she had been craving. She felt sure she would bond with her new work colleagues in no time, after all, she had thrived in her previous job and had no difficulties in making friends.

The new flashy job meant working in a faceless high rise building with what seemed like thousands of offices on each level, rising far up into the clouds. As she settled into the firm, she quickly realised that there were so many other employees that it would be impossible to learn everybody’s names, never mind attempt to cultivate some form of social life. Not quite as flashy as she had anticipated. 

Just as the building was faceless and imposing, she felt like just a number on the pay roll system with no real identity of her own. Nobody recognised her, never mind attempted conversation. Coming from a close knit community where everybody knew everybody now started to seem distant, almost alien and she resented the creeping feeling of desolation, wondering if she would ever fit in with this environment.

“But this was what I always wanted.” 

The days ticked along in a very similar fashion. She would arrive at the office, be confined to her desk all day save for a lunch break when she would venture into the café but generally sit alone, and then she would retire to the hotel room. The apartment she had been promised had not yet materialised and whilst she had packed plenty, her thoughts started slipping back to the cosiness of home…. The open fire drawing you in after a long day, the hearty home cooked meal with the chitter chatter over dinner discussing the days events.  

After her initial excitement of a new location, she found herself wandering pointlessly along unfamiliar streets and she had gone from being fearless to the reality that walking around alone made her vulnerable, a target. So she postponed the urban adventures until she had found someone to accompany her. This was however, proving difficult so increasingly, her time away from the desk was spent in the four bland walls of the hotel room.  The room was cold and clinical and offered no warmth at all so although the office was dull and unfriendly, at least there were other people there which added some flicker of life each day. The hotel room was quiet and offered no comfort whatsoever. 

The green green grass of home seemed so remote and doubt was seeping in. Instead of feeling jubilant and triumphant in this big move to the glitz of a city, she felt empty and questioned what in fact, she was seeking. She missed the familiarity of home and pondered whether a transfer to a different office would ease her loneliness.  She had clearly been dazzled by the bright lights like the proverbial rabbit but now the fire in her belly was being dulled by the lack of human interaction and the humidity was literally sucking the life out of her.   There was no more twitching fluttery butterflies and such feelings had died. She even started to miss the grey damp winters of home.

Maybe a different location was all that was required? She wasn’t sure any more but what she was sure of was that she couldn’t go on like this and her attention turned to where she could go next, where would she find the company that she strived, and above all, happiness. Home was so very different to this life so she began to understand that no comparisons could be drawn but she felt the fog lifting as she took control of her life again and became determined to find friends or move on to somewhere where she could. Success was not defined by her bank balance and she felt the desire to go back to her roots and learn to appreciate that it was not necessarily a place that made you happy and satisfied your desires, but more the people that surround you.