Scales (Part 2 of 'One Word')

Shock rippled out over my relatives’ faces. I glanced around at their horrified expressions, already seeing the signs of rejection that were brewing under their normally kindly faces. They didn’t understand just yet - they were questioning if they had heard me correctly, if it was not simply a bad dream.

A soft murmur swelled and broke over the stunned silence. They were turning to each other now, asking if they had heard the same thing. They would turn on me in a moment, demanding to know what I meant-

Up until now, I had avoided looking into my father’s face. I felt I could not bear to see the anguish that I knew would be there…

“Risha.”

My father’s voice sounded softly in my ear. Incredibly, it did not sound at all angry. I looked up at him, puzzled, and suddenly I was reeling under the impact of his blow.

I heard, vaguely, the gasps and cries of my family around me, tasted the sharp, metallic tang of blood, felt my head roaring and pounding inside me-

My father had never struck me before.

And yet, I had no one to blame but myself. I had hurt him horribly, destroyed my family’s pride. They would see me as nothing but a coward and traitor - a coward because I would not accept any responsibility for my role in the family, and a traitor because I was abandoning them.

I closed my eyes as a fresh stab of pain ripped through my skull. How could I make him understand? How could I make him see I was not doing this out of disrespect, but because I believed the slave-trade to be horribly wrong?

I looked up again, and my blurred vision focused on my father’s face. He was staring back at me, his face set and hard. 

“Father-” I began, despair choking my words before I could say anything else. He didn’t care; he had already rejected me, there was no going back... 

“Get out.”

The words were gritted out from between his teeth, as if it were torture to merely acknowledge me.

“Please-”

“Get out!”

I stumbled under the impact of his words, my world breaking up and falling away beneath me. I couldn’t leave like this, I had to make him see-

But one look at his set face told me all I needed to know. He would never forgive me. 

I turned and walked out of the room, the world dissolving into mist before my swimming eyes. 

****

I stumbled up the stairs and down the hall leading to my room. My fingers brushed against the smooth wooden surface of the door as I pushed it open and I suddenly realized this might be the last time I would enter this room. 

I paused, the implications of my thoughts sweeping over me. Never again enter this room - but I didn’t see how it could be otherwise. My father had made it very clear how my family should view me from now on. They would treat me as if I were invisible, or worse…

Disinheritance had never been how I thought my life might play out, but now it seemed a very real possibility.

I walked into the room, my mind suddenly made up. Better to leave quietly than publicly thrown out.

In a few minutes I had thrown a few clothes and belongings into a bag. My hands were hardly aware of what my brain was doing - it all seemed so unreal. It was a dream; I would wake up in a few moments with my sister’s face smiling into mine.

Leana - would I ever see her again? I hadn’t caught her gaze once after I renounced my inheritance. Did she hate me for it? Would she ever forgive me? 

I sat down on my bed and buried my head in my hands. I couldn’t leave like this. I couldn’t bear never seeing any of my family again. I loved them, although I could not agree with them. I could not imagine a life apart from them, day after day slipping past, alone, struggling to survive -

Maybe it would be best to give it all up and say I would do it.

I shook myself. No, I had made my decision, I couldn’t go back now. They wouldn’t listen to me. It was better to go now, before anyone found me…

I grabbed my bag and crossed over to the window. As a child, I had often sneaked out of my room by climbing down the tall pillar outside; it would be easier than trying to sneak through the house.

I had already pushed open the window when a knock sounded on the door. Two quick followed by two slow - the secret knock my sister and I always used to let each other know one of us was knocking. 

I hesitated. Urgency was pressing itself upon me, hot and heavy. But I couldn’t leave without knowing how Leana saw me now.

I sighed and closed the window. “Come in.”

Leana pushed the door open and walked in. Upon seeing me, she rushed across the room and flung her arms around me. Her warm, sweet scent wafted around me and drew me into her, bringing back memories of when we were small children, playing in the garden, running through the streets…

She pulled herself away and looked up at me, her eyes smudged with tears despite her smile. “Thank goodness I caught you.”

“What do you mean?” I reached out and wiped away a tear that was threatening to slip down her cheek.

“You’re running away. I thought you might.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but she cut in first. 

“Risha, don’t go. If you leave like this, I’ll never see you again. Please-” Leana’s eyes suddenly overflowed and dissolved into tears. 

I led her over to the bed and gently sat her down. I pulled her into me, laying her head on my chest and softly rubbing her back. Almost as if she were a very small child again. After a few moments she relaxed and her breathing slowed. I held her a little tighter. I didn’t want to let go of this moment, wished it could go on and on and on…

Eventually, however, she sat up and rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry, Risha. I didn’t mean to completely lose control like that. It’s just - I love you so much! I can’t let you go!”

She turned to me, her eyes pathetically appealing. How could I refuse this sister whom I loved so much? 

“Leana-”

She reached up and laid a finger over my mouth. “Hush. Listen to what I have to say.”

I obediently sat back and waited. Anything to prolong these last moments…

“Risha, there’s still a chance you can win back Father’s good will. I know he seemed horribly angry, but I also know he still loves you underneath. He just feels that he can’t do other than reject you if you refuse to take on his role - it’s expected of him.”

I tried to cut in - I knew what she was trying to say - but she went on.

“If you just went back down now, and begged his forgiveness, and vowed to become the head of the family, he would still take you back. He doesn’t want to estrange you, but he feels he has to if you won’t do what you are supposed to.”

I closed my eyes, pain ripping through me. I could have resisted her if she came to me angry and demanding, but she knows me better than I know myself. She knew I wouldn't be able to resist her if she asked me like this.

I opened my mouth, ready to tell her I’ll do it, but something held me back. I suddenly remembered as a small child, walking along the city streets with my father, when we encountered a shopkeeper and his slave. The slave had not done something correctly, and the shopkeeper was livid with rage. I could still see the shopkeeper’s arm, lifting and cracking back down again and again, while the old man begged for mercy. I remembered how it had gone on and on until the man suddenly shuddered and lay still. 

I had never seen death before, but that day he passed before my childish eyes and brushed away the innocent scales covering them. I was not old then, but years of knowledge fell upon me in a moment. My sister had never seen anything like that; she didn’t know…

“Leana-” I began, and stopped again. How would I tell her? She was naturally so goodhearted; she might not understand that our family was not perfect in everything we did - she might not believe me.

But to my immense surprise, she said, “I know. You think you don’t know how to tell me, but I’m not blind. I understand why you hate what our family does, and why you would want to reject it.” She took a deep breath. “I know it seems impossible to take on that role, but you are not responsible for how others treat their slaves. You don’t even have to keep slaves yourself; you can practically wash your hands of it.”

I shook my head. I desperately wanted to agree with what she was saying, but I knew it was wrong. 

“No, Leana. Even if I released all our slaves, and only ran the slave trade, I still am to blame for the consequences. By selling people as slaves, I’m still giving others the opportunity to mistreat them. I might not actually beat these people, or starve them, or mistreat them directly, but I make it possible for others to do so.”

I looked down into her unhappy face and gently brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen into her face. 

“You see, Leana - by selling slaves, I still contribute to the misery.”

She looked at me for a long moment and suddenly pushed me away and stood up. 

“Alright! Leave for all I care! I know you think it’s wrong, but can’t you ignore that for my sake? For everyone’s sake? If you really loved us, you would do what’s best for us!”

I rose, my hope failing. She didn’t understand…

“Leana-” I grabbed her hand, but she pulled it away.

“Don’t touch me!”

We faced each other for a moment, time dragging out..

Then Leana tossed her head and turned away, heading for the door.

“Leana!”

She paused, her hand on the door. For a moment, she did not speak. Then- 

“Don’t speak to me. You are as one dead to us and I have already done wrong in speaking to you at all.”

She turned back to face me, and I could see sharp lines of anger hardening her youthful face.

“If you are going to leave, I will not tell anyone. But that is because I want you gone, not because I feel any empathy.”

She pushed open the door and walked out.

I watched her go, my last hopes dissolving into nothing. 

I was alone.