67 Resolutions To Follow After Your Funeral

After your funeral, I hereby resolve to do (or not do) the following 67 things...one to commemorate every year of your miserable life:

1.         Attend fewer funerals, unless it is HERS, then wear that new red dress and matching heels I bought the day after your funeral.

2.         When no one is looking, dance on her grave.

3.         If she doesn’t die soon, occasionally leave bags of the Snoopster’s poop on her stoop.

4.         Walk Snoopster by her house late at night and let him pee on her pretty white picket fence.

5.         Let Snoopster sniff and pee on her rose bushes.

6.         Don’t ugly cry.

7.         Cry just enough so my eyes don’t bleed.

8.         Daydream about all the fun we had when we were first together and lived with milk crates and shoe boxes for furniture in that tiny little townhouse in the city. You remember that time right? Back when you loved me and only me?

9.         Pull out your vintage 1980 Thom McCann wedding shoe box from out of the silver milk crate and reread the love letters you wrote me in pencil and some of the hate mail you sent in red pen.

10.     Remember every story has three sides—his, hers, and the truth.

11.     Repeat #10 as I read the letters.

12.     Handle the yellowed, lined note paper letters carefully, so they don’t disintegrate before I burn them.

13.     Don’t cry on the letters. Wet paper is harder to burn.

14.     Light a candle for you daily and if I am in the right mood, burn a letter every day.

15.     Reglue your face into the photos that I tore apart when you pissed me off.

16.     Find the faces. I think they are in the red and white Candie’s shoe box in the blue milk crate in the cellar, next to your never used treadmill that doubles as a laundry sorter.

17.     Put your photos in a scrapbook and then when the mood is right, burn it.

18.     Burn your voting registration card and your membership card to the NRA.

19.     Find out if I am eligible for your Social Security before SHE tries to claim it.

20.     Call your job to see when I can collect your life insurance policy.

21.     Get extra death certificates that prove I didn’t kill you and that it was your high fat diet, Marlborough’s, cheap whiskey, and trashy chicks that did you in.

22.     Dump all your booze down the drain.

23.     Burn all of your cigarettes in the fire pit.

24.     Pray for G-d to put you in my dreams every night, but only for the good times. I don’t want to relive 1983, 2000, or 1993 through 2023.

25.     For old time sake, make a mix tape on a CD of your favorite Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Elvis songs.

26.     Make sure I include the song, Picture.

27.     Go up to the cottage and listen to the CD several hundred times.

28.     Break the CD into a million pieces with your FAVORITE hammer and scatter the pieces on your grave.

29.     If the cemetery doesn’t permit scattering things, find your old Army shovel, and dig a hole, and bury the pieces with you.

30.     Donate your Wrangler jeans and every black day tee shirts to the local homeless shelter, since you hated that charity and they can make good use of the items.

31.     Donate your black Jag to National Public Radio since you refused to listen to that station.

32.     Steam clean seats of the ’65 Mustang, since SHE has ridden in it.

33.     Check under the seats for additional earrings or jewelry.

34.     Find our gold wedding bands, the gold diamond earring of HERS from the last time I road in the Mustang, and any new ones I find when I have the car cleaned.

35.     Take the gold and diamonds to Treasure Hunt to get cash to pay for your funeral.

36.     See if Rodger and Sue are still together.

37.     Sell the Mustang to Rodger. He always loved it and you hated him.

38.     If Sue is out of the picture, check out Rodger’s Facebook page and see what he is like now.

39.     See which of your sleezy bar pals want your 70s band shirts.

40.     If no one wants them, see what they are worth on eBay.

41.     Find our eBay password and make sure it hooked up to my bank account, not the secret one you shared with HER.

42.     Talk to the bank to see how to get my half of the money out of that account.

43.     While have the bank on the phone, make sure there aren’t other secret bank accounts.

44.     Call every bank in a 100 mile radius to make sure there aren’t more accounts.

45.     Turn all your guns into the next take back day in the city. Even your prized civil war guns.

46.     Make sure to take all the bullet boxes too.

47.     Burn your targets.

48.     Google to find out if leather burns.

49.     If the answer is yes, gather up all your cologne bottles.

50.     Find the old smoker that you loved so much.

51.     Pour all your colognes into your smoker and light the mix—stand back since this is highly flammable.

52.     Add your shoes and holsters to the flames.

53.     Sprinkle the holster and shoe ashes on your grave. You loved them more than me so you belong together.

54.     Google how to get rid of hazardous waste.

55.     Gather up the paint cans, turpentine, car wax, car cleaners, car rags, and your winter coat that smells like HER perfume, and dispose of as directed in #52.

56.     Close your Facebook and Instagram accounts.

57.     Talk to the tax guy to see what I need to do about the money you gave to her. Can I deduct her as a dependent?

58.     Call the state to find out how to get my given name back.

59.     After my name change is legal, call the utility company and get all of them into my name.

60.     Make sure your Tinder profile is closed.

61.     See if there is anyone worth my time on Tinder.

62.     Find your porn collection in the garage.

63.     Burn your porn collection and scatter the ashes on your grave.

64.     Change the code on the garage door since SHE may still have access to the house.

65.     Call the Realtor and put the house on the market.

66.     Price homes up and down the Delaware coast. You hated the beach and I need to make up for lost beach time.

67.     Weed out the list of therapists to get rid of the marriage counselors and keep just the reinvent-yourself counselors.