The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Act 1, Scene 2

Flourish. Enter Claudius, King of Denmark, Gertrude the Queen, the Council, as Polonius, and his son Laertes, Hamlet, with others, among them, Voltemand and Cornelius.

KING

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death

The memory be green, and that it us befitted

To bear our hearts in grief, and our whole kingdom

To be contracted in one brow of woe,

Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature

That we with wisest sorrow think on him

Together with remembrance of ourselves.

Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen,

Th' imperial jointress to this warlike state,

Have we as 'twere with a defeated joy,

With an auspicious and a dropping eye,

With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage,

In equal scale weighing delight and dole

Taken to wife. Nor have we herein barred

Your better wisdoms, which have freely gone

With this affair along. For all, our thanks.

Now follows that you know. Young Fortinbras,

Holding a weak supposal of our worth

Or thinking by our late dear brother's death

Our state to be disjoint and out of frame,

Colleagued with this dream of his advantage,

He hath not failed to pester us with message

Importing the surrender of those lands

Lost by his father, with all bonds of law,

To our most valiant brother-so much for him.

Now for-

HAMLET

Cut the shit, I know you killed him.

KING

Ha! Hark, Hamlet! Tis not the hour of

Great jest here in Elsinore! We have

Business to dwell upon with Norway, as

the uncle of-

HAMLET

No, you are not going to just carry on this scene

Like that. Listen, it's not that hard to see that you're

The one responsible for my father's "tragic death"

KING

Hamlet, I know nothing of this charge you throw

Toward my royal brow.

HAMLET

You're not even trying to hide it! What kind of third grader,

I didn't know we had homework defense is that?!

QUEEN

Good Hamlet, your tongue utters such strange

Speech never heard in a thousand miles! Why do

You cause such pother at such an hour?! Cast thy nighted color

Off, and let thine-

HAMLET

Mom, please, don't waste your breath for this limp dicked

Snake here. Matter of fact, just go, you are not a part of this,

Anyhow.

KING

Hamlet, don't cast your mother away in such-

HAMLET

My god, I've heard crickets chat less!! Is that the reason you

Offed my dad? So you could hear yourself talk in that stupid,

Pretentious loud voice of yours with no one that can

Legally shut your trap up?

QUEEN

Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet! Cease this-

HAMLET

One, didn't I tell you to go? Two,

The hell did you just say?

LAERTES

My dread lord, your leave and favor to return to-

HAMLET

I'm sorry, who invited you to talk? Can't you see we're in

A moment here, you sword flailing, spoiled ass wipe?

LAERTES

.....

KING

Laertes, you wanted to address a suit with me,

What was thy asking?

(Laertes exit.)

POLONIUS

Laertes!! Do not part from this chamber! Mere churlish remark does not permit that! Stop, I say! Return here to me, dear lad!

(Polonius...also exits.)

KING

You see what thou has caused, devil of a boy?!

HAMLET

That's rich coming from the king killer.

CORNELIUS/VOLTEMAND

Lord, is this calumny the truth? Did thou truly murder our

Late king Hamlet? His dear father? Your dear brother?

KING

Silence, the pair of you! While thee speaks, I have a task of

Great importance for the honor of Denmark. Fortinbras plans-

HAMLET

He wants to send you to Norway to stop an attack on us

From their salty prince.

CORNELIUS/VOLTEMAND

Oh, then we can deliver on that mandate, prince Hamlet!

(King clenches fists in anger, sighs)

KING

Just make haste for Norway...

(Giving them a paper defeatedly)

CORNELIUS/VOLTEMAND

In that and all things will we...

KING

We doubt it nothing. Leave now.

(Voltemand and Cornelius exit in confusion)

QUEEN

What havoc do you intend to cause from all

This, dear Hamlet?

HAMLET

Mom, this guy married you not even two months after my dad

Bit the dust, and you don't find that even the tiniest bit

Suspicious? Or...messed up?

QUEEN

I had to fulfill-

HAMLET

No, no, nothing you say is not going to make that any less

Awful. If he was here, he'd back me up on that.

QUEEN

Tis a crying matter that he cannot grace this room with his presence, however-

Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Barnardo.

HORATIO

Hail to your Lordship.

HAMLET

Horatio, you know me. I know you. You don't need to talk

Like that around me.

HORATIO

Oh, my bad. Anyways, just wanted to say there's this weird

Ghost wandering outside the castle. We saw it out on our watch.

MARCELLUS/BARNARDO

(aside)

Why in the heavens is Horatio talking in this manner?

HAMLET

Ah, I wonder who that ghost is! It sure would be nice if it could show up right here, right now, and reveal itself to the court!

Enter Ghost

GHOST

Yo, I'm your daddy!

QUEEN

Oh my stars!! The devil's work is afoot!!

(Queen exits, her mind broken beyond repair)

KING

My queen, don't retreat away in fear!

HAMLET

(aside)

MY queen?! Goodness...

GHOST

Oh, and by the way, my bro totally killed me to take the crown!

Bye! Oooooo-

(Ghost exits all spooky-like)

HAMLET

Alright, that settles it! I mean, I had my theories about

You killing your brother for the throne like the treacherous,

Homewrecking scumbag you are.

HORATIO

(aside)

Ol' Willy seems to love falling back on that plot point.

HAMLET

But now my father's spirit just told me!

KING

Hamlet, dear Hamlet, I have no conception of what this "spirit"

Told you. I ponder if you are well. It may be the dawning of your

Late father's time on this ground has inflicted more damage

To your soul than one may have foreseen.

HAMLET

Whatever, I'm going to kill you now, you murderous wretch!

HORATIO

Hey, you two might not want to see this, let's get outta here.

MARCELLUS/BARNARDO

Halt, we entered this moment a mere few spoken words ago!

(Horatio exits.)

(Marcellus and Barnardo also exit, against their free will.)

KING

Hamlet! Does thou not have any doubt in soul about

Doing such an act of sin upon me? Thou uncle of great love?

HAMLET

No, because it's clearly you and I want you dead.

KING

O, my offense is rank, it smells to heaven;

It hath the primal eldest curse upon-

(Hamlet stabs King with dagger from pocket)

(Wait, how and when did he even get-)

HAMLET

Die, jackass!

KING

......ugh.....little bastard.

(King falls to the floor.)

HAMLET

URGH!

(Hamlet stabs the king again while he's down on the floor.)

HAMLET

URGH!

(Hamlet stabs the king once more while he lies on the-)

HAMLET

URGH!

(Hamlet stabs the king-)

HAMLET

URGH!

(Hamlet stabs-)

HAMLET

DIE! URGH!

(Hamlet-)

HAMLET

DIE! DIE!

(He-he stabs-)

HAMLET

DIE!!!

(He stabs him-)

HAMLET

DIE! DIE!

(He sta-)

HAMLET

URGH! URGH!

(He stabs him a-)

HAMLET

ERGHH!

(How many times is he going to-)

HAMLET

I!

(Is he just going to keep on-)

HAMLET

HATE!

(Do I have to keep track of all-)

HAMLET

YOU!

(For each of these stabs he-)

HAMLET

URGHHH!!!

(You think he would be tuckered out by-)

HAMLET

URGH!!

(I mean, I can't even fin-)

HAMLET

URGH!!

(Alright! Alright! He's dead! Just stop!!)

HAMLET

Oh-sorry, just had a bit of fun there...

(Anyway, Hamlet drops his convenient pocket dagger, that everybody has I guess....)

HAMLET

Looks like that's settled!

Enter Horatio

HORATIO

Can you imagine if you had this lingering depression and

Self moral doubt about doing this whole vengeance thing?

HAMLET

Man, that would've made this whole thing so much messier-

HORATIO

Messier than this, anyway-

(Hamlet and Horatio laugh. This thing has really gone off the rails...)

HORATIO

Still, I can't help but think this might take a mental toll on you

Later in life...like you'll be plagued by this horrible feeling

Of emptiness as all that made you who you are and, in fact,

Made you superior in character to this traitor that lies full

Of holes, has now been eroded. Replaced instead by a monster,

Born of rage, regret, and hatred.

HAMLET

Nope.

HORATIO

Like...not at all?

HAMLET

No, I think I'll be good, actually. I really don't feel too bad

About this. It feels about right. I think I'm....in the clear.

HORATIO

.....

HAMLET

......

HORATIO

Want to be king?

HAMLET

Nah, let that Fortinbras kid do it.

HORATIO

Sounds good to me!

(Horatio and Hamlet exit.)

(And so do I. I'm done with this crap.)