The Will Reading.

The Will Reading.

“Welcome relatives, I use the term loosely, more along the lines of the welcome of the emptying of one’s bladder in the morning after having stayed in bed too long. I hope I’m able to look down upon this gathering from on high as a ghostly presence, but I doubt it, hence I’ve used this video format to communicate with you.

“I’ve witnessed, or I should say more truthfully become aware of the obsequious attitudes of, I’m guessing, most of you assembled here, the toadying and of imploring the ‘invisible man in the sky’ to influence me to endow you with beneficence which from my point of view, is largely undeserved.

“Before my demise, through the auspices of various agencies, a comprehensive investigation of each of you was made which confirmed my own limited observations. To be judgemental of your activities or lack of them by my way of thinking is a slightly odious undertaking. However, I am being that which I prefer not to be, as I am in the position, via Jim Mayhew here, my lawyer, which requires me to dish out a great amount of dosh, hence the judgmental attitude of you all.

 “I anticipate you will be celebrating, rather than mourning my passing. Passing, what an innocuous word in order to hide confronting that quite sensible word of death.

“Being a multi-billionaire, and now my toes have decided to point to the vacuum in the sky, I anticipated some of you would abbreviate your overseas playtimes in order to see what your uncle has chosen to leave you. Your fathers and mothers, my siblings have preceded me in going to their individual graves and now I follow them. You, nieces and nephews gathered here, will, by the end of this little assemblage, be fulminating and breathing dire imprecations upon all and sundry that stand in the way of you getting your unjust deserts. But be warned, the lawyer that is officiating in this will reading, belongs to an old school that is well acquainted with the wiles of relatives seeking to undermine and bypass possible benefactor's wishes.

“One of my billions has been set aside for legal expenses, which the present monitor of this will hopes you will challenge, as this will enable him to live in perpetual luxury until toes also point in the same direction as my own.

“For a start, all largesse previously granted you is hereby cancelled. Instead, one hundred thousand dollars only will be made available to you regardless of any commitments that you may have unwisely embarked upon during the time of my projected death.

“Possibly you will be wiping your chins from the spittal emanating from your mouths at what you will consider as a paltry sum and wouldn’t cover a week’s holiday. You’d better get used to it, for your financial fountain has been turned off. Loans that have been made by you and using my resources are also hereby cancelled and mortgagee sale notices will be pinned to your doors as necessary as details of this will, will be circulated broadly.

“I also at this point in the current proceedings anticipate none of you will be able to hear my, or my lawyer’s words above your own. So, I will pause and seemingly gaze contentedly at you from this screen for five minutes until a measure of decorum exists in this office. An office that may soon be upgraded dependent upon your future actions and the loosening of funds to battle you through the courts.

                                                                  *

“Hopefully the mayhem and tears have ceased by now, even if not the indignation. Now I wish to bring you a measure of a more pleasurable expectancy to you all.

“I truly hope that you do not underestimate the effort it took for me to arrive at my financial status, and largely starting out with a relatively meagre loan from a bank. I assure you, naivety is not a characteristic that is very prominent in me, so hoodwinking activities by any of you will be to your detriment in what follows.

“Indolence in the constructive sense of the word appears to be the main trait of most of your children and this needs to change if you ever wish to see any financial gratuity to come their way and yours. This minimum of constructive activity needs to be reversed.

“Generous financial allowances will be made available to each one of your children providing they undergo an education in a valuable aspect of society's needs. Lawyerism and stock-broking for this purpose are not to be considered as valuable. Be advised, choose something that can be measured with a tangible result in order to acquire the additional benefits that can be made available. A team of practical men and women are on a retainer to oversee progress in the chosen professions of your children. Naturally, any attempt to bribe them will cancel the arrangement and correspondingly reward the supervising agent to a significant extent.

“Upon graduation, a sum of a million dollars will be given to each of them and a further half million dollars at the end of each subsequent year of continuing in a productive way in their profession. All courses would be expected to require at least five years of study and practice. Be aware, the genuineness of the practising of their profession will be scrutinised very closely. Each of you, as well as my nieces and nephews, will also receive a million dollars upon your child’s graduation, and a further ten million after their completion of five years in their profession.

“From my investigator’s research of you all, dear relatives, none of you, apart from a very cursory education, have seen fit to contribute to Mankind’s welfare apart from supporting the liquor and overseas tourism industry. Funds will be made available to you on the same terms as your children if you choose to educate yourselves in a productive way. Once again, scrutiny of your activities will be comprehensive. Any attempt to circumvent these stipulations will be an automatic cancellation of all financial remuneration.

“Now, I’d like to introduce you to my lover, confidante, colleague, collaborator and inventor supreme who has assisted me and made my life a very fulfilling one. She will inherit the bulk of my estate to do with as she wishes. Her name is Melissa Greatharp and is expert in the fields of engineering as well as philosophy. She will maintain a watching brief, apart from the expert scrutineers engaged to watch over your progress with your families. That is if you choose to take on the challenge. But only if she feels so inclined and it not interfere with her own developments. Also, like myself, naivety is not pronounced within her makeup.

“I wish you well in whatever course of action you take. My friend and lawyer Jim Mayhew no doubt hopes to see you in many court battles to guarantee him a more luxurious existence, however, the bulk of the billion dollars set aside for legal purposes will revert to him in ten years if it hasn’t been used up by them.”

Of course, on the advice of other lawyers wishing to partake of the possible largesse languishing in Jim Mayhew’s lawyer account, Jim was able to furnish his offices in a manner that he thought befitted a multi-millionaire lawyer. The nieces and nephews’ children can be contacted on street corners panhandling and sleeping in cardboard boxes under railway bridges.