The Adventures of Jay

Act i: Asteroid

I opened my eyes. My groggy eyes. Boy was I tired! I needed some coffee. Coffee and eggs. Yes, I need it now, or imma be in a bad mood. But wait, I feel so weightless. This doesn’t make sense. I ain't that light. I have been in the gym. Plus. Wife Number 1 says I’m getting bigger. Barnacles…

“Yo Big Jay, why do you keep hitting your head against the wall?”

Oh no, he’s on to me. It’s a nervous tick. I can’t tell him that. He’ll think I'm soft. I ain't toilet paper. I'm hard like a spelling test.

“Jay, you know I can hear you. Look, come over here and eat. You’ve been out cold since yesterday.”

I climbed my way past the windows that revealed the vast emptiness of space, oh the darkness, the moon that once was….

“Don’t you wonder if there’s even a point to all this?” I said, chewing on my stale ass crinkly ass nasty ass frozen snail doo-doo butt.

“Yeah, I’ve been lost in my mind, jumping back and forth. I want my offspring to be something more than this world, yet what this world offers falls short of my dreams. What’s the point? I guess to feel alive.” Ron replied.

“Sorry I zoned out, but I was talking about the control panels over there. Why is it green and black when they know my favorite color is orange? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like I’m being stereotyped. This ain't cool.” I said.

“Jay.”

“Yeah.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

5 hours later.

“Oh I love you more bugaboo,” I said to Wife Number One. She has my children. I named them Child One and Child Two.

“Oh I love you more bugaboo,” I said to Wife Number Two. She makes good food. Yummy chicken doo-doo butt. 

“Imma make it clap like a drum kit,” I said to my sneaky link. I laid there goggle-eyed, kicking my feet back and forth. Boy, wasn’t being an astronaut fun?

“Jay, Vicky, and Ron,” come forth, we have a mission to complete.

I locked in. It was time. No more Ronald Mcdonald playing around. 

We gathered at the headquarters, seated by the silverish machine, marked “John John.”

John John said, “Good news and bad news. The bad: There is no other habitable planet in this universe. Our next best option will be Snickers Universe, but unfortunately, another team was assigned that mission. The good. There will be an asteroid passing by at 1307. It will have elements including gold, silver, and platinum. These resources are crucial for Earth 1302 to continue to survive. Our projections indicate that if we miss this supply drop, we’ll have to wait another 6 months- time we may not have.” 

I thought about my pet dog, Jay Jr. I did everything for him. 

“What can we do to make this mission a success?”

“Glad you asked. Vicky and I will use our Asteroid Stopper 3000 and mark each destination for extraction. We will stop the asteroid’s movement for 1000 seconds. Afterward, we must detach, or risk being dragged with it as it continues its descent. Jay, and Ron, you will be retrieving the metals. You will need to split up. We will have two rovers waiting for you on the asteroid.

This doesn’t feel smart at all. And this was my first mission. Boy, this can be dangerous.

“Sure, captain, this will be light work.”

“I’m not a captain nor a human, I’m an AI interface designed by John John of John John’s.”

2 hours later

“Ron, don’t you think this is all moving fast.”

“The hell are you talking about?”

“I mean c’mon, we just colonized Earth 203 6 months ago…I just don’t get it, man. There’s gotta be a better alternative.”

“If there was, y’know we wouldn’t be here.”

“Well yeah, but I just..I don’t know, this responsibility is damning.”

“Jay, you've trained 15 years for this. You’ve sacrificed everything. And look, everyone down there believes in us. Why can’t you believe in yourself?”

“Ron, can I tell you something?”

“Go for it.”

“I cheated my way here, they had the answers to every test on the back of the book.”

25 minutes later

“Alright Jay, Ron, you’ll be in separate regions approximately 1 km apart. Your departure will be synchronized. No bs. No wasted time. Straight business.”

We fastened our helmets, lighting up our faces. I looked at Ron, the scar on his left cheekbone reflected across his screen, reminding me that anything could happen.  

“See you soon,” I tapped Ron’s shoulder, accidentally bumping into his backside.

“Soon.”

“If anything malfunctions abort the mission. Stick to the fucking script.”

3

2

1

Go

The zipline swiftly took us to our destination. 

“Doink,” I landed on the rocky terrain that was temporarily frozen in motion. I was only 100 meters from the target.

600 seconds remaining

“Okay, I got the gold and titanium in my bag.”

“Yeah, I’m ready to go too.”

Let’s go.

“Wait, something's off”, said Ron. “My clip. It’s gone.”

“Code 132, Ron, you need to get back to us as soon as possible.”

“I can't. My clip is gone. It’s gone. my clip.”

400 seconds

“Ron, your clips are fine, just come back to us.”

My mind began to swirl. My cheeks flushed. I bumped into Ron’s oxygen pack earlier. Could it be? Certainly not. “John-John, what’s his oxygen reading?”

“Critically low,” 

 I jumped into my rover and sped toward him.

“Jay, abort the mission. Abort the mission. Return to us immediately.”

“Ron, we’re sending a drone to pick you up.”

“It won’t get there in time,” I replied, turning off my com.

250 seconds

I clipped Ron into his harness, sending him back to the spaceship with both backpacks. He’s safe.

“John-John, Vicky, ETA for my destination.”

“You have 200 seconds, please hurry.”

My rover shuffled across the dirt, each meter ticking away. 

“Wait Jay, our readings have changed. The asteroid is somehow disabling our stopping mechanism

“Psh-boom.” My rover veered left, crashing into a rock wall. I jumped out and ran the last 100 meters to my zipline.

“Hurry up, Jay!”

I reached for my harness with my left hand. I reached for the harness with my right hand. Where was it? I glanced back realizing it was still in my rover. 

“Jay, don’t worry we can-.”

I turned off my intercom again and pulled out my knife. The asteroid was moving faster now.

Snap, the zipline recoiled into the spaceship's direction.

My palms grew hot. My face felt clammy. I wasn’t in pain though. I was at peace. I thought of Jay Jr one more time.

Maybe there never was a point.

But I sure lived like there was. 

Act ii: rescue

The drone sputtered toward the man. His suit was scratched and battered.

2 hours later.

The drone reached the spaceship where Vicky and Ron, who was already fully recovered, pulled Jay onto the spaceship.

Jays eyes blinked open.

“Jay Jr, I thought I’d never see you again.”

Jay blinked again.

“Wait your Ron, wait a sec.” He jumped up before withering back as the pain in his shoulder rang out.

“Y’all saved me.”

“The asteroid was moving at 3 m/s, you didn’t need to do any of that. Jay, please stop trying to be a hero.”

Jay looked around before smiling, “You know what this made me realize?”

“What?”

“Stale ass crinkly ass nasty ass frozen snail doo-doo butt aint so bad after all.”