Avalanche of Love

     “How do you know who will be the one?” Today could be the when it would start, an amazing location the where, and this beautiful woman that might be the who. The wine was chilling in the refrigerator, the table was set, candles ready. He had found her without looking, unintentionally, she had asked him for help, and it had started from there. This was a new start, there was no rush; he would let things progress naturally. One kindness, one look, and one gesture at a time it would be built.

     Outside it was snowing gently, and had been for a few days, crystal after crystal piling up gently. Skadi seemed just like the kind of person he needed in his life right now, quiet, self-contained. She had a good sense of humor, and he felt a sort of bottled up energy in her that was intriguing; he wondered which direction it would take. She was blonde, very fair, tall and willowy, almost gave him the impression that she was hovering over him, even though she was only really about an inch taller. They had hit it off easily, and he expected tonight would go smoothly - no pressure, he would go at her pace.

     She was a little nervous, but not overly so, as she should be in anticipation. The snow blew off the windshield, but it continued to collect on everything, sprinkling layer upon layer, thicker and thicker, the bottom layers being compressed by the top, so it was hard to tell how fast it was accumulating. She hadn’t been with anyone for a while, not since the engagement had been called off, and Endre had left. Another rejection not so long after the last one . . . and he just kept saying it was too much, too overwhelming. She had been trying to overcome all of those memories for a long time, and moving to Denver had been a very positive step she decided. She hadn’t intended it, but she had decided she liked Xavier at a speed that had surprised her - maybe that meant she was finally over everything, and the doctor had been right about new surroundings. The mountains hung in a giant backdrop to the apartment building that was just ahead, white caps still visible in the twilight. She pulled into the parking garage.

     Soon Skadi was sniffing around his apartment like a cat checking it out, nosing around every corner and finally following him into the kitchen. He had waited for her to arrive to put the spaghetti carbonara together, so it would be hot and fresh. She was enchanted that he had put the effort into it that he obviously had. Skadi had started to accumulate impressions, observations, feelings just like the snow accumulated outside, one delicate crystal at a time. Fortunately the meal itself had come out marvelously well, and the fire, wine and candles had created a warm glow counteracting the cold. It wasn’t long before they were on the couch with another glass, a little high and talking excitedly, laughing. By the end of the evening he felt they had really started something.

     Over the landscape snow layered ever deeper, but the layers of snow that had dusted the car were easily pushed aside by the windshield wipers, and the wind swept the rest of the car clean, like she had burst out from under it. None of the suffocating whiteness could dampen her happiness for the evening, for the experience, for Xavier.

     Years of loneliness, rejection, anger, fear, regrets, had laminated her heart in a wrapping that she felt that she had burst through in a single evening.  “Hey you . . . still thinking about everything . . . I want to return the favor when you have time”

     “I would enjoy spending more time with you.”

     “I’ll let you know, I want it to be as special as tonight was!”

      Many dates had followed, one more special than the last, and she had felt that it was time she showed him more of how she felt. They found themselves at a very trendy and romantic eatery. With the wine small plates would come to them just about the time they wanted some more, white dishes piling up like drifts around them as they laughed and joked. Her feelings were getting stronger with each of his jokes, his gestures and looks. He was tender and caring, considerate and gentle. It took much self-control to hold in all of the feelings; still she started being more familiar with him with little touches on his hand. Finally she put it on the table for him to see. “What’s this?” asked Xavier, instantly picking it up. “She laughed a shy laugh, “it's my heart.” It was a heart shaped locket with her picture in it. “Is this for me? Are you giving it to me? It’s beautiful, you’re beautiful.” She thought she would explode with emotion. Skadi stopped the waitress and asked if she would take a picture of them. She snapped a picture for them together, kissing as Xavier held her locket. “It's really a wedding picture you know,” she said. He looked puzzled. “A wedding is when you give someone your heart!” Xavier laughed.

     Above the city in the mountains the snow was deepening, and he found out that she was a skier like him, so they began to ski together. They spent most of their free time together as the relationship became more involved, bonds closer, more all-encompassing and absorbing. . Time flew, and their bonds built up with each word, gesture, touch, look, accumulated between them.

     Several weeks in however, it began to take its toll on his work, as he had put his attention and energy into her, and though she reciprocated, she was also more demanding. He noticed with dismay that the project he had been putting off was due at the end of the day. The shock of the deadline definitely refocused his priorities, so when Xavier noticed the phone buzzing, he placed it on “do not disturb” and wound up working straight till 5. It felt good to focus on something else for a little while. It was almost like waking out of a trance that had kept him out of touch with a lot of things.

     Glancing at the phone as he got ready to leave he noticed that there were many texts in the last two hours. Opening it he found that all of them, a long string, were from her. They had started out sweet and carefree and shortly started dissolving into panic, as if there was something wrong because he hadn’t answered her. In fact, there were several voicemails, also from Skadi. The anxiety and fragility of the tone was disturbing.

     As she was waiting for his reply, one of Endre’s many painful complaints came back to her: “I need to have a few minutes to think my own thoughts.” Nevertheless she found she couldn’t help herself, her fingers worked the keys rapidly. She didn’t calm down until he answered her and explained why he had been incommunicado. The doctor had said she had lacked an outlet for her feelings as her mother had been a cold and remote person, and her father had not wanted to say had caused it. She had been disappointed, distraught one day, and had visited the doctor in between appointments. He had scolded her, “You demand as much emotional energy and attention as you give, you have to realize that it is far above what most people are comfortable with.”

     “That’s not a good reason for him not to see me!” she had raged.

     “That is exactly the reason he can’t see you for a while.” He had answered. It was a perplexing answer for her.

     “Is everything OK, what happened?” she said, obviously a little frantic. “Weekly meeting, thought I told you.” He spoke calmly, and the calm in his voice seemed to help, but there was still an edge. “I was starting to get worried, you always get back to me right away,” He laughed gently, “I think you can survive an hour and a half without me.” Once Endre had entreated her, “Would you dissolve if I wasn’t here?” Her chest felt tight. As he put on his coat he started thumbing through the texts they had shared over the last few days, screenfulls rolled by as his thumb flicked the phone. A disquiet started to settle in.

     Thursday he had a meeting with her department head, a few people had looked up as he walked into the area. They smiled, and not just in recognition. The meeting went well enough, but he was a little disconcerted when she kept looking at him even when they had parted. He went to Skadi’s desk, she would expect him to stop by but she happened to be away at the moment. Then he saw the pictures. There wasn’t enough room to fit them all, they were layered on each other, multiple images of the same event when one would have been enough to capture the moment. He had felt intensity when he was with her that was so powerful it was enveloping. He had thought that it was something they were sharing, but now it seemed to be almost all one sided.

     This time, instead of running up the stairs to her apartment he walked slowly, clutching the grocery bag to his chest. This was a long anticipated ski weekend that would have been hard to cancel, but now anxiety hung over it. As he was about to reach for the door, it swung open and she ushered him in, nearly smashing the groceries kissing him. “I was waiting for this all day!” Her blond, blunt cut swing bob framed her piercing blue eyes. The pupils were huge. “Just relax it will be ready soon.” There were many framed pictures of them scattered everywhere, a digital frame churning through their relationship. Skadi prattled on and on about the trip, displaying her emotions like a silent movie actor, exaggerating to make them easier to see. In the morning they would go to the cabin.

     The mountains loomed ever larger in front of them, hanging over them like a huge breaker sweeping up behind a surfer to lift him high or crush him under its weight. On the ridges and cliffs were piled high, the powder itself swept into patterns like dunes, the drifts hanging out over the edges. Finally they reached the parking pad and grabbed their snowshoes for the short trek to the cabin. It was incredibly quiet, trees towering over them. She came running around the car, and hugged him fiercely. “I can’t believe we are here!” As the cold hit them her skin flushed as she kissed him passionately. She looked incredibly delicate. “Come on!” she said, heading towards the cabin.

     Shortly it began snowing again, and the mountain was absolutely ethereal in the half light, the snow crystals layering themselves over everything. They were changed and immediately headed out, the trail untracked. She laughed and shrieked with delight, they flew over the ground with powder flying around them. He was alone with his thoughts on the mountain. After several runs they found their way back the lift one more time and skied back to the cabin. There was a roaring fire shortly, some spirits, some fooling around. Then he noticed she had started to get quiet.

      “You have to tell me this isn’t going to end,” she said abruptly. They had been discussing dinner, and she suddenly put down her cup and looked at him full in the face, hair swishing around with her anxiety. “This trip?” he asked simply, “No, this, everything, us. You know I couldn’t take it if something happened to you, if you left me.” He was silent, frozen still. “You don’t understand Xavier, it was a close thing for me, I am lucky to be here now.” There was a fire in her eyes amidst the crystal blue, an element that had always been hinted at when he saw her in certain moments, this was the first time he had really seen it exposed, and it startled him.

     “I’m here, don’t worry, I’m here,” he said, noticing how fragile she was. He reassured her, talking about how they would take the other trail tomorrow, that the powder would be fresh and the mountain would be beautiful. When they settled down to sleep that night she seemed calm and peaceful, with moonlight streaming down from the skylight. He watched the snow falling again for a long while.

   The sun began to creep into the room, revealing the magic of the new snow and they had breakfast. “This place is heavenly,” she gasped when they finally went outside. She turned toward him, and he looked into his eyes. The blue in those eyes seemed as though it was part of the sky and her skin part of the snow around them. She tilted her head every so slightly to the side. “I could be yours forever here, if you asked me.” She was offering her heart to him again, this time so completely she was more vulnerable and bare than anything he had ever seen, it staggered him. “Skadi . . .” he said. “It's too much.” The words that had crushed her before. In an instant, like a sheet of glass hit with a stone, she changed from an ethereal being to a wraith. “You took my heart!” She nearly screamed at him, confused. It took him completely by surprise, he couldn’t speak. “How can you reject me now?” Her entire aspect became black, the crystal of her eyes seemed to spark with fire as he backed away from her down the trail.  

     “I don’t have enough to return,” Endre had when he had given back her keepsake, a small locket with her picture. It was the same feeling again, the same as the day her mother told her that she was not hers, that she was not wanted, that she was her uncle’s love child, and she had only been kept for his sake. The crushing of her soul had only been matched with her rage at the rejection.

     She rushed him, swinging wildly at him, he fell back and rolled away as she rained blows upon him. She had lost her balance and fell down, giving him enough time to regain his feet and started running down the mountain, powder flying on either side as he plowed through. She screamed at the top of her lungs as she struggled to get up, and went after him. “I knew it! “ she said, “no matter how hard I tried, you couldn’t be there for me, you always run away!” “Skadi!” he shouted, “why are you doing this?” He shouldn’t have been so frightened, but the look in her eyes, he only wanted to get away. Something had broken in her, in the mountain, after the scream there was a shattering sound that reverberated around the whole area. He felt the ground shaking. In his unreasoning fear he realized what it was. He yelled to her. “Avalanche! Get out of the path! “ She was racing down the hill hard after him. He was skiing at the edge of his ability, and he couldn’t look back. Had he been able to see, he would’ve seen her mouth in a horrible grimace and tears in her eyes. She seemed bent on catching him, on running him down, vengeance in her face, but the thundering snow was closing on them both. It was as though the built up pure crystals of her feelings had all been released with uncontrollable energy, and had merged with the snow.

     She was crying as the snow caught up with her and he had steered straight and veered to the west. They had been close to the edge, and he veered off far enough that the onslaught rushed by him, overtaking her. She disappeared in whiteness and he was shoved violently to the side. The white wave overcame him, and then there was darkness.

     The darkness slowly became lighter and lighter, it had a reddish tint and he realized that he was groggily awake, and that his eyes were still closed. He opened them slowly to the painfully while light outside the window. He was in a bed, he had an IV. His leg was in a cast. There was a brown package on the table next to him, a rectangle about 10 x 12 inches. He looked around slowly, he wasn’t feeling much of anything because of the IV, but he knew it wasn’t good. He listened to the humming blowing sound of the fans in the machines, the pong-pong of elevators. Shortly there was a buzz sound, and presently his sister was in the room.

     “There you are,” she said smilingly and softly. Glad to see you are awake!” she said.  

      “The leg?” He asked, she answered honest and directly, “There are pins, it will take a while,” she said. Then with a sudden stab of remembrance the image of her pale blue eyes came to him, the blond hair and he looked into his sister’s eyes to seek the answer. “She shook her head, biting her lips, tears welling up, “they haven’t found her yet, they think her tracker broke too.” To distract him, she picked up the package. “Want me to open it?” He nodded, tears coming into his eyes. She opened it quickly and was about to put it back down without showing him, “you can look at it later .. .”, she said, but he tilted his head back a couple of times, and she slowly turned it toward him. It was an 8 x 10 of the picture that Susan had taken. She had included the caption, “our wedding picture, where Xavier stole my heart”