Cántalo: Sing Away the Pain

“Impossible...No way in hell. This is just impossible.” you muttered under your breath. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. You must be in a nightmare right now, one in which you can’t wake up no matter how much you pinch myself till you draw blood. This is...reality. A harsh, cold reality. This world wasn’t made for you. It wasn’t made to comfort and protect you. Give you peace and warmth. This uncaring world was created to hurt you. Over and over again. Till you bruised, bled, and shed tears and wept. These scars won’t fade. This nightmare won’t end. You will constantly see him over and over again and never escape his sight. You thought he was dead, but there he is, right in front of you on the street, smiling at you, while you stand frozen in place, wondering when it will all end.

15 minutes before accident 

You had just stepped out of your house for the first time in 6 months. Everything felt so surreal and different. The world wouldn’t stop for you, even after all that’s happened. After all that you had to experience and endure. It just kept on turning and turning and the outsiders went on with their lives like you didn’t matter. Like no one did but themselves. This was reality, and although you don’t particularly like it, you have no choice, but to live alongside it. 

You had to spend a year long in the hospital and spent the past 6 months receiving therapy and refused to leave your home for that duration. You wanted to keep up the facade of being ill and just stay in the comfort of your home forever, but they wouldn’t allow it. You had to obey them after what you did and even if you detest them with all your heart, it must be done. There’s nothing else you can do. There’s nowhere else you can go. It’s a done deal. 

You were supposed to wait for Carole to come pick you up, so the two of you could go on an outing for the first time in forever, but she was running late and your feet couldn’t wait and so they decided to just start walking away. You sent a quick text telling her that you’d meet her in their favorite cafe, Cafe Hangover. Just as you were about to send the text you stop walking and come to a halt. 

Why are you so stupid? How can you be this dumb? That cafe was taboo to you, after all that’s where you too first met. For the first and last time. No. You can’t allow it. He’s taken so much from you. Far too much and you received far too little. No way was he taking away Cafe Hangover. It was a place filled with memories. There were happy and sad times, but always filled with love and warmth and no matter what, you weren’t going to let him take that away from you. You quickly texted Carole and put the phone into your handbag. You then continued on with your walk, taking in the once familiar scene. The street, the buildings, the sky, the trees. Everything seemed familiar, but at the same time dream-like. 

You needed to move on. Away from the past and away from him. You had to move on with your life like everyone else. He can’t hold you down anymore. He’s gone and he’s never coming back. Best to move on and forget the past, rather than have regrets. The dead can’t come back and although you missed your grandparents, for once you were glad that the dead can’t come back to life. Because of him, you no longer desired to see the dead ever again. 

You saw the family street coming into view. You took this path countless times on your way to Cafe Hangover. The name sounds unique and the cafe owner who happens to be Carole’s got the name for his cafe after his wife vomited over his plant garden at a party. She spent the night at his place and woke up with a hangover the next morning. Carole’s uncle greeted her with morning coffee and asked if she’d like to go on a date with him the next day. 2 years later the two got married and opened up the cafe. They’re such lovebirds and you really wanted to have a love like theirs. That’s why you hoped he would be the one. 

You tensed up again and shook my head. “Get over it Dawn. He’s gone and he was never the one. How could you have fallen for someone like him in the first place?” The memories were vague and distorted. You would scream your head off at the very thoughts of remembering those moments, but now, it’s like you’re looking at someone else’s life. Someone else’s experiences. It was like you were watching a vintage film in black and white. After all the therapy sessions you were okay to remember the little details, but were still not comfortable to recollect everything. It was for the best to forget. 

You saw him one day at the cafe. There were many other people who visited the cafe over the years. You never really noticed anyone and even if they came up to get your number or talk with you, you never really cared for him, but for some reason he caught your eyes, and still to this day, you don’t know why. You just noticed him one day and then turned away and didn’t care. Then you saw him a couple more times afterwards at the cafe. Always reading books or taking down in a journal. Brown hair and dark blue eyes. He looked like all the others you had met and tired to date over the years. So then, why did he catch your eyes? 

Then one day you saw him read a book that you had just recently finished. Cántalo by Fae Len. It was a very sad tale about an old woman who recalled her life as a slave. All the hardships she endured and the pain she felt felt so heartfelt. Although you have never experienced what she has gone through, the emotions, the emotions she felt, those you have experienced time and time again. The sadness and the pain. The fear and longing. The wish to be free and fly for all eternity. Her words were powerful and meaningful and you wanted to be just like her. A strong woman who could overcome all the hardships through sheer willpower. 

You remember how you walked away from Carole and your other friends and over to that lone boy who always sat by the windows. He glanced up at you with a quizzical look and you pointed to the book and that’s how it all started. A simple book conversation turned your life completely upside down. Now that you think about it, maybe he planned it from the start. To show you one of your favorite books. To lure you in and destroy you both physically and mentally. How dare he play with your heart!

“You need to let it go, Dawn. He’s gone and never coming back.” You replayed those words told to you countless times after the accident. They were like a prayer that you now have to repeat to yourself in order to believe them. “They’re right. He’s gone and won’t ever come back.” you acknowledged. You have to move on. You have to be like Cántalo and sing away your pains. You soon came to the crossing and waited for the lights to change. There were about a dozen other people around you and on the other side waiting. You saw a little girl on the other side holding her parents hands and laughing. How you too wished you could have something like that too. Parents who loved you unconditionally. 

You then glance casually over the faces of the others around them when all of a sudden you freeze. Your body turns ice cold as if someone threw you into the Arctic Ocean. How...Why...This can’t be real. “Impossible...No way in hell. This is just impossible.” you muttered under your breath. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. It just can’t be. Standing on the opposite side of the road was the man who destroyed you. You broke you beyond repair. Who played you like a marionette and tossed you aside when you were no longer able to perform. You caused you endless amounts of suffering and pain. Then how, how is he here? He should be dead. He has to be dead. You were the one who killed him so then why, why is he standing on the opposite side smiling at you as if everything was alright? As if none of this happened? As if he was a completely different person? Why? 

The lights changed and people started to cross the road but you didn’t move an inch and neither did he. “It’s all in my head. He can’t be real. I already got rid of him.” You tried to convince yourself, but it sounded more like an excuse. You don’t know how long you stood there, but the lights have changed back to red now and he was still standing there smiling your way. “He’s not real. He’s not real. I have to overcome this. I have to become Cántalo and sing away my pains. I...I can do this.” You assured myself. Your breathing was still strained and you felt light headed. The cafe was only a few walks away down the road. You can do this. You can. You must do this. 

The lights changed and people started to cross the road, but you didn’t move. You stood frozen in place. Just as the last person walked over to the sidewalk, You started to cross the path. Time was ticking down to cross the street and just as soon as you started to move, so did he. You were the only ones to cross the street. This proves it. He isn’t real, he’s all in your head. It’s all an illusion, so then, why do you feel so terrified? Why do you feel so scared? 

The two of you were only inches apart. As the two of you got closer and closer, you realized that he was just like him. He was exactly like him. Black hair and dark blue eyes, that pierced your soul and left you to die. Then he walked right past you. You were about to breathe a sigh of relief and then suddenly he gripped your arm and it was all over. Fear took control and you heard an all too familiar voice. A voice so angelic and sweet, but also terrified you at the same time. “It’s been a while hasn’t it—” No. “Dawn. You haven’t changed a bit.” You slowly turn your head and look into those blue orbs that could always see right through you. “How…” you whispered and he just smiled at you. “I missed you so I came back to—” Kill You “see you. I’ll see you soon okay.” 

Your eyes grew wide and then he let go and you fell. You landed with a hard thud to the solid cement below and scraped your face against the jagged road. Your breathing started to become irregular to the point where you couldn’t gasp for any air. Such a familiar scene. You lying pitiful on the floor and him standing over you with that cruel harsh gaze that was anything, but loving. No. No. NO! Tears started to stream down your face. You couldn’t gasp for air. These were all the signs of a panic attack and your nerves were gone. You were once again lying broken and alone. “NO!” you cried out and started to scream which made it all worse, but he just smiled, waved and started to walk away. 

The light turned red and the sound of car horns filled the air. People swarmed around you talking all at once. The scenery blurred and you just watched in a pitiful state as that familiar back started to walk away. Once again he broke you. Threw you aside like you were nothing but trash. You weren’t able to do anything because of all the trauma and might not be able to do anything ever again. You couldn’t become Cántalo and no matter what you did, you will never be able to sing away your pains...