Here Comes the Train

Cold wind whipped my hair around my face, blurring my vision in a mess of black curls. Ahead of me was a beautiful yellow and pink sunset, the same one from last night's dream, and the night before's. The howl of the wind and crashing of waves were the only sounds I could manage to focus on, but they wouldn't be for long. What was going to happen? I didn't know- I only knew something would. To put all of my hope in that small belief found me rethinking my choices. Maybe I should step off the tracks. But no- I wasn't going to do that, I was going to stay. I was going to wait- wait for the train. My feet were bare and ice cold on the metal tracks, but I didn't notice. I was numb, everything was numb. The only thing I knew was that one foreshadowing thought. The one that haunted my waking and sleeping days and nights. Because it was all I knew, all I'd ever known. Or was it? I thought to myself. Maybe I've known more, not just my future, but my past. The word felt foreign to me. I'd never known my past, not since I could remember. When was that? I asked myself. I did not know.

But did I care? About the world, about me? No, I don't think so- I thought to myself, turning to face the west. Thunder boomed in the distance, causing me to shiver. Maybe the rain would come, bring me back to my senses. Lightning split the sky above me, and I jumped. Don't worry, I told myself reassuringly, this is supposed to happen. The fact that I knew that, but didn't know why, terrified me. What if I didn't want it to happen? Did I have a choice? I didn't want to die- not like this. But I knew I would. Suddenly, the tracks I stood upon began to rumble, and I could hear the faint sound of a train horn in the distance. The motions of the gears, the laughing people in the fancy cars. Here it comes. This was it... again. How many times had I died this way? Deep in my heart, I knew it was a dream. I would wake up soon, in someone's bed, confused. I would be alive, healthy, maybe even loved. But the thoughts were fuzzy and I couldn't focus on them, just the future ahead of me. A few minutes ahead of me, it turned out.

As I looked out, I could see the red train making its way toward me. Its big yellow light, the cars of people who would probably never see the light of day again. All because of me- my unhappiness. Did I mean to take down all those people with me? I sure hoped not. But I suppose I would never know. As the train came closer, I took one, deep breath. It'll be my last, I thought woefully. But, then again, maybe it wouldn't be. Suddenly, a memory surfaced in my brain. It was time for dinner- Mama was cooking lasagna again. Grace was laughing beside me, holding her sides with her hands. Tears ran down her face as I made another joke. This was my life- I had a sister, someone I loved. Everything was okay, I was okay. I felt safe, comforted. There were no dizzy thoughts, no pain. Just happiness, it was all I wanted. 'Dinner!' Mama called out to us from the back porch. 'Time to go,' I told Grace, helping her stand, 'Promise you'll tell another after dinner, Anne?'

'Maybe,' I responded, smiling and taking her hand. We both walked inside, skipping up the steps.

And just as soon as it had been there, the memory was gone.

What if I could stop this right now? Walk off the tracks, falling into the abyss of the rocks and foamy grey water, never to be seen again. Sure, I would die, but wasn't that already going to happen? What if I could save those people on the train? Soon, I was moved and determined by this idea. I'm going to save all them. So I tried to move. My feet were cold, yes, yet I was sure I could get them to rise and fall. But the muscles in my legs wouldn't budge, I was planted on the tracks. My whole body was unable to move. Panic seized me and my breathing became shallow- I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to go home. I just want to go home. But I was going to die- all because of my sour thoughts. The hatred of myself, the stupid urge to end my life. What had I been thinking?

There was no use mourning over it now- I was going to perish, and that was final. But the thoughts of those poor people- the train got closer- what if they had children?- it was feet away from me now- lovers?- it was here. But I wasn't crushed under its chugging, merciless gears and engines. I was awake, in a bed, like I'd predicted. But where was I? Who was I? The white world around me was foreign and threatening. Lights shined into my eyes above me and I tried to block them with my hand, but something was holding it to the bed. I squinted into someone's blurry face, they were begging me to come back. But I suppose I would never know what was happening, however, because I fell right back asleep; arriving on that never-changing cliff, waiting to make a mistake I could not undo. It was my suffering, my punishment. It was why I was there, to loose everything? No- to have it all taken away. But by whom? Who was taking my life away from me? Me. I was taking it away, and I did nothing to prevent it, nothing at all. And it was the greatest mistake of my life.