In the Donjon

“You ever wonder why we’re here?”

“Not really, since I know why we’re here.”

“Oh, yeah? How’s that?”

“Necromancer.”

“…Fair point. Don’t see anyone else going around and raising the dead to guard their ancient tombs, I suppose.”

“I don’t see anyone except you since I can’t move from this spot. Unless there’s an intruder.”

“It’s metaphorical. I don’t mean we actually can or can’t see people raising the dead, you know.”

“I’m not sure that’s what a metaphor is.”

“Yeah? Then what’s a metaphor, wisebones?”

“It’s when you say one thing but really mean—”

“Don’t actually tell me what a metaphor is. I was being facetious.”

“We don’t have faces?”

“Anyway, that’s not what I meant. About the necromancer, that is. They come along and raise a couple of pour saps like us to be their skeleton guards, sure. I get that. What’s not to get? What I mean is… you ever wonder if there’s a point to all this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we stand here all day, right?”

“Right.”

“And what else do we do?”

“Talk. And guard.”

“Sure, yeah, we have a little chat and do a bit of guarding. But for what?”

“So thieves don’t break in and steal things.”

“In theory. But have you ever seen a thief?”

“Yes. One stole my wages after a month working the mill, once. A pickpocket cut right through my coin purse and was off with it before I knew what happened.”

“I meant down here, knucklehead. In this unlife. Have you ever seen a thief come waltzing through those doors looking to rob us?”

“I don’t think a thief would waltz. A gentleman thief, maybe, if there was a ball. Is there going to be a ball?”

“No. Alright, they sneak. Have you ever seen a thief sneaking about here?”

“I haven’t. But if they’re good at what they do, would I see them?”

“That’s… a fair point. But hey, we’re decent at our jobs. Chances are we’d notice them. But see, that’s what I’m trying to get at, if you’d stop interrupting me with all your hypotheticals. We’ve been stood here guarding the crypt for… for….”

“97 years, I believe.”

“For 97 years, and—what the, are you serious? We’ve been here for 97 years?”

“Give or take a few months.”

“Wasting away down here for nearly a full century! Look at us, we’re nothing but skin and bones!”

“…”

“Oh, hush. I know it was a bad joke but I don’t hear you doing better.”

“We—”

“I also know we don’t have skin; we’re just bones.”

“…”

“Listen, alright? Just listen. We have an eternity ahead of us unless the necromancer decides to let our souls go or some upstart bludgeons us until we can’t move. Is this what we’re going to do with that eternity? Stand here, wait for somebody to come rob a tomb that’s probably empty anyway, despite knowing nobody’s coming?”

“Yes? It’s our job. It’s what we were hired to do.”

“Hired? I was raised from the dead! Nobody hired me! I didn’t sign no contract! We don’t even get paid wages.”

“Not much to use them on. We don’t need to eat, or sleep, or breathe, or live, generally speaking.”

“That’s not the point. We’re living… erm, sentient, thinking beings, regardless of our state of life or unlife. You may not pay a plow for tilling the fields, but you sure as heck pay the farmer holding it! We’re providing a valuable service here. That deserves to be respected.”

“How should it be respected?”

“Well, I’m glad you finally asked, my friend. Now, I think you have a point. We don’t need money, right? But it’s just not fair we have to waste away here, doing nothing, without any time to ourselves. To pursue our passions, you know? Work on our hobbies.”

“I don’t have any hobbies.”

“That’s right, and neither do I. Because we haven’t been given the time to develop any! It’s an oppressive system, can’t you see? We’re kept here with no way out, until the boredom wears away even our desire to rebel! Can’t you see that?”

“No? Maybe? I… am trying.”

“Listen, there’s more to unlife than this. A whole world right out there for us, just right up those stairs and… past the several hundred-pound stone slab. Right there. We can almost touch it. And we can, if we ask for some days off.”

“Days off? You mean we wouldn’t be working?”

“That’s right. No work, for the entire day. Free to kick at beggars or ride a gondola or… whatever people who aren’t trapped in crypts do.”

“I don’t think it’s all that different from what we do. At least, when I was alive, this was pretty much all I did anyway. Go to work, work, go back home.”

“But don’t you want that? The commute, the home! Think about it. For those fleeting seconds, you won’t be at work!”

“I don’t know… I actually prefer not having to walk. It’s nice to have everything I need right here.”

“There’s nothing here.”

“That’s not true. I’m here, and you’re here, and we have our spears. You still have a bit of your funeral wrappings left too, so that’s something. Plus we have the walls and the stairs and the door.”

“That’s… I mean, you’re not wrong, but you’re not quite right either.”

“Oh, and once, I saw a rat. That’s something.”

“I saw the rat too, wisebones. Neither of us can leave and we’re always on duty, so of course I saw the stupid rat.”

“I don’t think the rat was stupid. At least as far as rat intelligence is concerned.”

“I think you’re pretty smart for a rat too.”

“Aw, that’s really kind. Thank you.”

“…Yeah, anytime. So, are we in this together, or not? If the necromancer comes down, we have to be united on this. If we’re not, he’ll undermine our position and refuse to meet our demands.”

“We have demands?”

“We. Have. Demands. Outside, remember?”

“But—”

“Ah, ah, no. No but, we want that day off. Think about it. What’s outside?”

“A lot of things. Sun, the sky, trees, uh… people, animals—”

“Animals, yeah? Rats are animals.”

“Oh. There are rats outside?”

“Lotta of them, buddy. So many. Rats for days. And you can see them, and maybe even hold one, but only if we stand together on this.”

“I want to hold a rat.”

“Me too, me too. So, we good on this? We’ll make our stand against the necromancer together and demand for a day off?”

“Yes. I’m with you.”

“Perfect.”

“One question.”

“Yeah? Ask away.”

“When is the necromancer returning?”

“Oh, right. Good question. Yeah, great question actually.”

“You don’t know?”

“Not a clue. You?”

“No. When was the last time he came by?”

“Oh, uh… gee, I think that must’ve been when he created us. 97 years ago.”

“That’s quite a while.”

“Yeah. It is….”

“Guess we’ll just have to keep waiting then.”

“…Right. Guess we will. Oh, but when he does?”

“We’ll tell him our demands.”

“Exactly. Good on you for remembering. We’ll tell him our demands.”

“…”

“…”

“He’s not coming back, is he?”

“Looking like a no, buddy.”