A Grandmother's Tale Via Gmail

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: new gmail account

hey nan its bean

still figuring gmail out

i wanted to know if you wanted to talk ya know since we gotta stay inside and all that

.,,././.,?<</./,/,/,/??

oops sorry

bye

To: lbeanf@gmail.com

From: grannynanny@gmail.com

Subject: Hi. 

What’s up Beanie-boo? I can’t believe your father actually caved in and gave you a gmail account even though I’ve been telling him for the last five years that you absolutely need one.

 I would love to chat. Apart from the Young Ladies’ Unofficial Book Club, I’ve got nothing to do. G-mailing you would make me less bored. 

Xoxo from Granny Nanny

P.S. Since I’m a grandmother and therefore wiser than you, I just wanted to point out all your mistakes in your last email. First, you capitalized nothing. Second, please add punctuation or my brain might explode. Thirdly, what are all those symbols you added? Jeez. Love ya. Byeeeeeee

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hi. 

Hi Nan. I know. Dad’s really strict about it tho. i can’t believe he actually came from you. 

It’s great that you wanna chat, but I don’t want to be distracting you from your obviously really important club. 

I’m very sorry for my spelling mistakes. See? I added punctuation this time 

Ugh our homeschool deal is really bad. 

Hope ur sitch is better than mine. 

heart emoji, party emoji (I can’t find the emojis on this thing)

Love ya 2, 

bean

To: lbeanf@gmail.com

From: grannynanny@gmail.com

Subject: Hi Beanie-boo

I know right!!! I can’t believe that Will is so up-tight about everything! Ugh. (He obviously gets it from is father) 

Btw, my Young Ladies’ Unofficial Book Club (aka YLUBC) isn’t actually that important. In fact, I’d rather not go. It’s just a munch of superstitious gals wanting to protect themselves from the virus, but HELL-O?! Coming together and chatting about dumb stuff like this is the real problem! (And yes, if you’re wondering, we don’t even talk about books.) 

I can’t believe you’re being homeschooled! That’s horrible! Back when I was a girl, you were only homeschooled if you were physically (and mentally) unable to go to school. So, what’s wrong with you? 

Oh, wait! I have an idea! How ’bout that you still didn’t use that much punctuation in your last email? I’ll list your mistakes: 4th sentence beginning you’ve gotta capitalize, what da heck does ‘tho’, ‘sitch’, ‘ur’, and ‘rly’ stand for, AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN PUT PUNCTUATION AFTER YOU SAID THAT YOU USED PUNCTUATION!!! 

Xoxo, Granny Nanny

P.S. 😼😈💗😇 suckah

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: You’re so mean. 

Hey Nan. I can’t believe you know how to do emojis and I don’t. Wow. Well, we can make a deal. I’ll teach you slang text language and you can teach me how to do emojis. 

Here’s your first lesson: tho = though, sitch = situation, ur = your or you’re, rly = really. I’m sorry about the punctuation. Btw, your club is really stupid. No offense. Ok, now you have to send me instructions on how to get emojis. If I don’t have them, my brain might explode………

Wait! I have a good idea! Didn’t you say that no punctuation made you crazy? Well…..

grandma i wanna chat more

y dont we chat more

i wanna learn emojis

teach me

please 

cmon 

bye 

-bean

To: lbeanf@gmail.com 

From: grannynanny@gmail.com 

Subject: AGGGHHHH

Greetings, Bean. Wow. I couldn’t even read the end of your email. It was too hard. Guess what? I accept your deal. (Not because I can’t handle your horrific writing skills, it’s because I need to learn text slang.) 

I have exciting news! Before all of the virus stuff, I auditioned for Peter Pan. I recently got an email that said that I got in! A ton of young teens are in the play too, and all of our phone numbers were listed on the email. I was put on a group chat with a lot of people, and I need to sound cool over text. Teach me what you can. I need your knowledge and you need mine. Deal. 

Xoxo, Granny Nanny

P.S. I ditched the club. 

To: grannynanny@gmail.com 

From: lbeanf@gmail.com 

Subject: Re: AGGGHHHH

You. Did. Not. Ditch. The. Club. 

Look, I’m concerned for you health and all, and even though it was really stupid, I thought the club sounded fun! I’d love to be around whining and complaining old young ladies. 

I can’t believe you’re in a play! What’s your part? I’ll teach you all I can. 

TMI = too much information

BTW = by the way (i think you know this one) 

FYI = for your information

FWIW = for what its worth

OMG = oh my god

LOL = laugh out loud

IDK = i don’t know

IMO = in my opinion

WTF = where’s the food

bye, 

bean 

To: lbeanf@gmail.com

From: grannynanny@gmail.com

-No subject-

Ok. Thx. Bye. 

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: How’d it go? 

Hey Nan! How’d texting with your new friends go? Did my advice help? Do they like you? What’s your part in the play? Why didn’t you say “Xoxo, Granny Nanny” this time? Are you busy? Are you safe? Are you okay? Will you answer my questions? 

Love ya lots, 

bean

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: Re: How’d it go?

Hey Nan. It’s bean again. Is your play going well? I think it’s going good. You’re not replying to my emails, so I think you’re okay and safe. Right? 

Please answer me. I’m worried about you. Reply. 

Love ya to the moon and back (that continues on forever), 

bean

To: lbeanf@gmail.com

From: grannynanny@gmail.com

Subject: Busy. 

Hello Lilly Bean. I’m really busy now with the play and all, so please don’t email me that much. My new friends are gr8! We txt all the time! I’m a tree in the play, which doesn’t sound like a big part, but it actually is. 

bai gurl

Nan

To: grannynanny@gmail.com

From: lbeanf@gmail.com

Subject: Ok. 

I don’t even know why I’m emailing you, but I just wanna say that I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you go away. Maybe it’s your new friends, maybe it’s me. Sorry. 

I’ll always love you, Granny Nanny, no matter what. 

Your one and only, 

bean