Watching the Sunrise

He sat in his well worn armchair and stared out the window. His feet found the indents on the carpet that perfectly fit his slippers. His view was of an open field drifting off to the trees and mountains in the distance. The day began as it always did. A cup of coffee, soft jazz playing in the background and watching the sun as it peaked up from the horizon. This morning, the sun had little time to shine its rays. Grey clouds blanketed the sky casting shadows across the field, bringing a drab mist. It had been a lifetime of trying to forget. There was always an unsuspecting trigger that would bring that day back. He was never prepared. It always caught him off guard. He kept himself busy enough to pass the time but the quiet moments between were the loudest. Then, everything came back.

It was a time when the world was still new, those years when he thought he was invincible. He and his friends had the world at their feet. Freshly graduated without a care in the world. They celebrated their new found freedom, before the world made them "responsible adults". Diplomas in hand and tossing their caps to the wind. He still looked through the old photos though not as often anymore. He remembered the possibilities, the dreams and the promises they made to each other. He had long since thrown away the photos that brought tears to his eyes or put a lump in his throat. Despite his efforts, the "what ifs" still nagged his conscience. What could he have done different? What signs did he miss? Why had he let her go home alone? Why didn't he make her stay? That night has stayed with him and made every relationship unsteady. He always fell and somewhere along the way he gave up and decided he was better off alone. He filled his life with work and ran away from any chance of a meaningful connection. He couldn't take that chance to make the same mistake again.

"Charlie?"

"Yes, Mary."

"When will we be free?"

"I don't know Mary. We could find out together."

"I would like that Charlie, I would like that very much."

He met her at the beginning of high school. It took until grade ten before he finally mustered up enough courage to ask her out. After that they were inseparable. The next years were sheer bliss and the rest of the world didn't matter. Their friends teased them about their relationship, never seeing one without the other. They spent the days in each others arms watching the world go by. They spent the nights sharing each others' closest secrets. He learned about her fear of intimacy. That her mother died giving birth to her and her father never forgave her for it. Her father had blamed her for everything that went wrong since. The only place she felt safe was in Charlie's arms, nuzzled close to his chest. She would often fall asleep there as he stroked her hair. Her soft black hair that flowed like silk between his fingers. He would kiss the top of her head when he knew she was asleep. It didn't matter where they went or what they did, as long as they were together.

Their last night together she was very uneasy. He had to remind her that everything was about to change for the better. They were both leaving the next morning for college. Full scholarships and a new life together ahead. She seemed reassured and left that night with a bright smile and a glow of hope for their next adventure. He went home and packed his compact car making sure there was still room for her. Early the next morning he drove out to the little cottage by the lake. Her father and her lived right outside of town in a quaint rural area at the edge of the woods. The morning dew made everything damp and a light mist hovered across the ground. As he approached the cottage, he knew something was wrong. He knocked several times with no answer. He peered through the window but couldn't see through the drawn sheers. He opened the door and the stench of gun powder and iron struck him. He walked into the living room where he found her father slumped on the couch. A spent shotgun sat nestled between his knees and what could be his head leaning back against the couch. A pool of crimson red coated the floor and speckled the wall behind the couch. He called out for Mary, there was no answer. He ran upstairs to her room to find her. She wasn't there. He continued his frantic search through the cottage. He returned upstair and sat on her bed. In the quiet he noticed whistling coming from the attic door and a light tapping. He climbed the narrow stairway and slowly pushed it open. The attic smelt musty and damp, it had bare rafters with a single open window at the far end. The morning mist had crept in giving an eerie glow to the light that came through the window. Her shoe tapped the leg of an upturned stool as she swayed from the breeze. One hand still caught in her noose. She was wearing her prom dress with a red bow tied in her hair. At her feet he found an envelope with his name on it, he read her note.

Charlie,

I can never forgive myself for what I did to my mother and now my father. I didn't want to ever do that to you too. You have been my friend, my lover, you have been everything to me. Please forgive me and let me go. Be free. I was never meant to be free.

I am sorry.

All my love, Mary

Charlie untied the rope and lowered her to the ground. He removed the noose from her neck and held her close to his chest. Loosening the bow, he ran his hand through her dark hair. He gently kissed the top of her head. Her hair still felt like silk. He hummed and rocked her back and forth. His warm tears fell against her cold skin.

That moment has never left him. He finished his coffee and got dressed for the day. From his garden he cut six red tulips and drove out to the cottage by the lake. He walked past the cottage towards the lake. Facing the lake, there were three tombstones in a row that watched the sun rise every morning. Her mother, her father and Mary. Charlie cleared the dried grass and fallen leaves from her grave. He took the glass vase and tossed the dead flowers. He filled the vase with the six red tulips and placed it back at her tombstone. He sat down on the damp ground.

"Hello, Mary. I brought you tulips today. You were in my thoughts this morning and I wanted to visit you. Hope you don't mind."

Charlie continued to visit, day after day, year after year. One day there would be four tombstones. Her mother, her father, Marry and Charlie.