Toxic Waste First Date

I don't know what caught my eye first. Her beautiful smile or the wiggling green tentacle that was infused to her cheek. She had a strut that could cause zipper chafing in any room full of men anywhere. Her name was Kate and she'd been reborn out of a glowing puddle of toxic waste and floating spa cucumber slices.

I was busy decapitating the head of a dog for lunch when I saw her. The dog's leg had been fortunately caught under the wheel of a truck of a driver who'd crashed after being impaled through the heart by a stray meteor shard. The sight of this limping beauty with one tit hanging out of her burned blouse made me pause with my serrated Campbell's soup shiv on a warm neck tendon.

I thought to myself, "Now that's a girl a guy could settle down with in these trying times. Besides, her tentacle might not even get in the way. Maybe it could tickle my ear as we made out or even brush a strand of hair behind my ear for a change."

I wiped my Spagehttios soup can off on my khakis that still had "Gasping Cannibalized Victim's" blood on it and cleared my throat to say something dapper. She was pulling a man out of his car who was trying to argue that his baby in the back seat shouldn't be harmed, or some pathetic dribble like that, when the tentacle babe bashed his brains in with a toy fire truck. It was love at first bite when she chomped into his carotid artery. I walked closer to the car she was invading and did a knee bending jig in my steps to conjure up my mojo. It had been a while since I'd approached a lady. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I'd even jerked off. Wait, there was that afternoon over that pile of burning protestors, but Daddy still needed some real clam. I rustled up my confidence, licked my thumb and swiped across both eyebrows as I whistled the tune of "I fell into a burning ring of fire" by Johnny Cash. When I got close to the car she jumped into a defensive pose and snarled at me with such feral beauty that wafted enticing pheromones and the scent of dry blood into my face.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I said, "Unless you're into that sort of thing, which, Ha, Ha, let's face it, most of us are these days." My charming humor seemed to have an effect because she eased the tension out of her nerves and lowered the sharpened ruler she held in her hand.

"I was just wondering if you'd like to share some dog tendon with me or perhaps we could go get some Sushi? I saw a puddle of rain water with some shrimp swimming in it around the corner of an exploded seafood restaurant if you're interested."

She paused to think and then her stomach that was sticking out of her Iron Maiden shredded halter top rumbled with cute biology. "Sure I'd like that," she said as she wiped the back of her hand across her face leaving a streak of blood on her cheek. She noticed it but before she could clean it, I pulled out my handkerchief I'd stitched together myself out of one hundred dollar bills. The tentacle was swiped at my hand with automatic muscle movements and brushed over the top of my hand leaving gooey slime all over it. I laughed because the slimy suction cups tickled and she blushed at the sound of my effeminate laugh that had slipped out by accident. Usually I slipped out on purpose but this rare time it was by accident. "My name's John," I said. "Mine's Eve," she said. We walked away from the dad who was bleeding to death out of his neck and leaving his baby to fend for itself in the back seat while helplessly buckled into a piece of plastic.

We held hands as people were killing each other all over the place and stealing useless electronics out of shattered windows. Blood curdling sounds of murder that made your spine cringe were echoing through the neighborhood street that had been just outside the circular blast range from the super nuke that had been dropped by the children whose parents had bought them bigger toys. People were killing each other everywhere and, being the abominations they'd always truly been underneath their social media facades, they were now flaunting their natural colors. Their hearts were painting what had been inside of them along as they danced under the sun, stepping to even worse acts than murder. Eve and I who were now too desensitized to give a crap swung our arms as we held hands.

I tried to remember a simpler time when people were screaming and fighting each other from behind technology and almost wished Eve and I could have gone back to those bitter days when people still hated each other but were at least using their words and giving the other person a chance to reply before choking them until their face turned into a grape before having its blood vessels burst into black.

Eve and I made it to a rain puddle outside of an exploded seafood restaurant and to our good fortune there wasn't only shrimp but two perfect whole plates of sushi rolls sitting in the water. The sushi rolls weren't even that soggy! We sat down on the crumbled pot holes in Indian style positions and watched people shoot each other over the useless scraps still on the exploded table. Eve smiled at me and she still had dried blood on her face. I wiped the smudge away, we made eye contact and then had our first kiss. The most magic thing of all was that my hunch ended up being right about her tentacle. It did brush a strand of hair behind my ear!

THE END