Northwoods be Jammin’

The light of the full moon cast its glow on the Thimbleberry patch making it an especially good night for Sierra Ann Squatch to pick berries at her property near Copper Harbor, Michigan. For the past several years, Ms. S.A. Squatch has been living alone in a secret location deep in the woods. We had the rare opportunity for an interview with Ms. Squatch, who is the owner of Northwoods be Jammin’. She allowed us to meet up with her at midnight in the middle of nowhere so long as we didn’t bring cameras and we promised not to disclose her exact location. We walked along with her as she collected berries.

Q: Ms. Squatch why do you live alone in the wild?

A: It started when I was in college at Michigan Tech. I could have become a Chemist had it not been for a miserable case of acne. Overnight, zits erupted like volcanoes on my face. If it wasn’t enough, I already looked like a television evangelist with bad hair and dimples. I was too embarrassed to go to class and I dropped out. I sought refuge at my grandparents' abandoned cabin in the Keweenaw. Some might call me a fruitcake but to quote Jimmy Buffett, “the God’s honest truth, life just ain’t that simple.”

Q: Can you tell us why you wear so many furs even in the middle of summer?

A: I have a syndrome called Raynaud’s disease which causes me to have cold intolerance. I found wearing furs keeps me toasty warm and provides me protection against the flies and mosquitoes I encounter in the woods. Additionally, wild raspberry and blackberry thorns can’t get through my thick fur. My furry boots are the only comfortable shoes that fit over my big feet and bunions. 

Q: How did you get started in the jam business?

A: Near my grandparent’s cabin, I found a small abandoned copper mine shaft. The entry to the shaft was a lot like a cave and I explored inside. I found shelves full of preserves my grandmother had made. I took some back to the cabin and was so delighted when I tasted them. Eventually, I ran out of jams and jellies, so I decided to start making some for myself. I found a recipe box with my Grandmother’s handwritten instructions for making her jams and jellies. I fired up the old Good Time woodstove in the kitchen and had a darn good time making preserves with the berries and wild fruits I found in the woods and meadows nearby. Before long, I had more jam than I knew what to do with. I wrote to my cousin Steve A. Squatch out in Oregon. He’s been quite successful recently with his soapmaking business. I asked for the contact information of his business agent, Dan Livermore. Dan has been more than happy to work with me and help me sell my product. Sometimes it is sold under different labels. I still have a successful roadside stand in the Copper Country. I visit it in the middle of the night so as to avoid seeing people. I like remaining anonymous. On the 4th of July, there was over $400 in my honor system coffee can! People are generally so honest. It gives me a glimmer of hope about the human race.

Q: What berries do you find in the Keweenaw for your jams and jellies?

A: I’m glad you asked. In fact, we have a plethora of wild fruits available up here. Wild blueberries, raspberries, blackberries and strawberries grow in abundance if you know where to find them. There is a variety of wild apple and crabapple trees. Lesser known fruits are the thimbleberry, elderberry, chokecherry, juneberry, mulberry, and the very unique pawpaw fruit. Most of these lesser known berries must be cooked in order to be edible which is why making preserves is a great option. Some of the berries are very tart which is why I blend them with other mild fruits to create one of a kind preserves. My chemistry background has come in handy.

Q: With such a good income, why is it that you don’t own a car or drive anywhere?

A: Like a lot of my family members, I have amaxophobia which means I have extreme anxiety about riding or driving in cars. In addition, I once got a panic attack while driving over the Mackinac Bridge and since then my gephyrophobia (the fear of going over bridges) is so bad that I can’t go over any bridge including the Portage Canal Lift Bridge that connects the Keweenaw Peninsula to Houghton, Michigan. I’m basically stuck here. Thankfully, I have Amazon and other delivery services which supply me with everything I need. 

Q: Would you feel comfortable in a boat or an airplane?

A: Oh, no! Never. I’m getting sweaty palms just thinking of it. 

Q: What are your future plans?

A: I’d love to get married if I could find anyone who could live with my quirkiness and anxieties. Once you get to know me, I’m actually a fun person and I’m an excellent cook. I’ve asked old man Dan to find me a date. He said he’s going to ask his twenty-something grand-daughter to set up a dating profile for me on some website. My acne has completely disappeared since I started using my cousin’s soaps. We’ll see if they can fish up a date for me. I’m completely off-grid and I don’t do any fandangled technology for myself. I’m old fashioned and I like it this way. 

Q: What would your ideal date night look like?

A: That’s a good question. I haven’t thought much about what we would actually do on a date. Since I don’t like crowds or riding in cars, I would prefer to go on a hike or perhaps a canoe trip around the lake. I quite enjoy fishing. Perhaps we could have a meal cooked over a campfire. I’ve gotten good at cooking with my cast iron dutch oven. Anyone interested in me is going to have to enjoy wilderness adventures and eating delicious food. I believe there’s someone out there who’s perfect for me; I just haven’t found him yet. When encountering an eccentric couple, my mother always used to say, “There’s a Jack for every Jill.” I guess you could say I’m looking for my Jack. 

Q: When you aren’t working or exploring the wilderness, what other things do you do to pass the time? Do you have any other hobbies?

A: I’m an avid reader. Since I’m off-grid, books are a great source of entertainment on bad weather days. I don’t feel quite so alone in the company of a good book. I especially like Jane Austen. Most people wouldn’t believe it but I’m actually a romantic.

Q: Do you have any pets?

A: I have a pet turtle named Slo Mo. She had an injured leg so I took her in and made a nice terrarium for her. She enjoys the vegetation I bring back from the swamp. It is fun to watch her munch her lunch. I like how quiet a pet turtle is and how I can leave her for days at a time without a worry.

Q: Do you plan on releasing any new jam or jellies?

A: Yes, I have been cultivating a garden this year and I’m raising jalapenos to attempt to make some pepper jelly. I will use wild apples as a base for the pepper jelly and a few other “secret” ingredients. The recipe I will recommend for it is an appetizer of cream cheese with pepper jelly and crackers. I’m looking forward to cooking up something new this fall. 

Ms. Squatch, we’d like to thank you so much for taking the time to reply to our Q&A. Your fans have been curious and we are pleased to be able to share an update with them. Best wishes on a jammin’ berry season!