Falling Apart

I was standing there, blood all over my hands. I was sobbing and crying. I don’t remember what happened, but it sure hurt so much, I was scared to death. I don’t know what is up with me, I’m being delusional. It is not the first time that this occurred, I’ve being locked down to a mental center more than once.

I don’t know how my husband does this, how he can stay calm in situations that are completely out of my control. I just stay here in this gigantic house all day, alone, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t go out, he takes care of everything. I’m somehow dangerous for other people. He just sticks with me in every situation. I can’t recall what it’s true and what is not, and that’s messed up.

I just remember that my marriage is or was a fairytale, we were happy at that time. So many smiles, so many joys and incredible memories. Sometimes, I get flashbacks of that period, it just makes me sad, how we got here with all the hospitals and the doctors, I regret this period so much. It’s not lack of trying but every time we attempt to do any activity, I just get a flash back, go out of my mind and start yelling and throwing things around me. I don’t know how to act around him anymore. I’m afraid I might hurt him but of course I don’t want to tell him that. So I decided to leave, this is not fair for him or for me, we have to go our separate ways.

-I have something important to tell you

-Well, what is it?

-I think I should move; I’m making you unhappy and you don’t deserve this situation

-You don’t know what you’re saying, that’s not true, I like taking care of you, we are a family and one day this is going to be behind us and things will be back the way they were.

-But..

-Please, finish your dinner, and here is your medicine, we’re almost out, I’ll go tomorrow to the drug store.

-Thank you.

Even though, I wasn’t happy with what he said, what could I do or reply? The medicines I’m taking, are altering my judgment, my way of thinking and acting or I am delusional again?

I had a crisis that night, I couldn’t sleep, and neither could he. He had to tie me to the bed, so I wouldn’t hurt myself or him.

-Good morning Jade! Says Emma when answering the door

-Good morning Emma, Are you ready for your monthly analysis?

-Yes, thank you for coming

30 minutes later

-It’s done, the doctor will call for the results, I hope it’s good news.

-Thank you, have a nice day. Says Emma closing the door.

-Would you want to go out for a walk Emma?

-I’d rather not to

-Come on, it will be beneficial claims Michael, her hsuband

-Okay

Everything seems fine and calming so far, until Michael tries and grabs my hand, I had a brutal flash back of a fighting scene with someone and again all the blood on my hands. So I went back home immediately.

-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have taken you out, I really thought it would be good for you after all this time. I don’t know what happened, are you okay?

-I’m fine, don’t worry, I think it’s just something I have to get used to. I just need some sleep

-Okay, here is your medicine, and good night.

-Thank you, good night!

I decided to stop taking my medicine, so I just hid them under my tongue and flushed them down the toilet when he left. I don’t know when and why I started breaking down, but I was determined to know what’s going on with me. How come I have no friends and family that would call or visit me, that’s odds, especially considering my actual mental health.

It’s been a week now without taking any of those devil pills, and I feel great, I started to notice things…

-Hello, yes it’s Micheal Morgan… yes you can communicate me the results and I’ll let Emma know.

I overheard Micheal on the phone with the doctor, I assume, I sure didn’t mean to eardrop but…

-Yes of course I’ll take her at the end of the week to the hospital for some more exams. Thanks for your call.

I waited all day for him to tell me this news, that something was wrong with me and that the doctor wanted to run more tests, but he didn’t. I thought maybe that’s suspicious, or maybe he forgot.

Over dinner, I decided to make an effort and sure had a lot to ask

-Michael, how did this happen, I mean how did it all started?

-You don’t remember? Because you asked this three days ago and I … look, don’t worry honey he said touching my hand, I’ll start from the beginning.

I sure found this really weird, because I haven’t asked this at all, well that day when I decided to not take my medicine anymore I started to journal, and document every single day, not that I had much to tell, but to not forget anything and I would read everything I write down the day after and I’m pretty sure I didn’t ask him that question before, so why is he lying to me?

-When your parents died, you started having panic attacks, and you sure didn’t accept their deaths, so you started hallucinating. And things got more complicated because you didn’t want help.

I sure didn’t believe a word he was saying, but just acted sad and cried a little so he wouldn’t be doubtful.

The next day, I planned something, now that I’m sure my husband is a liar. I’ve been faking some of my panic attacks and crisis that I didn’t got since I stopped taking those pills. I took a cab and went straight to the hospital. I knew which one it was, it was written on Jade’s blouse, my home health nurse.

-Hi I’m Emma Morgan and I need to see my doctor right now it’s urgent.

I sure was a little freaked out, and paranoid that Micheal would follow me, or discover where I went.

When I got to see my doctor, he explained that there is no trace of the treatment they’ve given me, as they have told Micheal. So I showed him the pills I’ve been having, and after running some tests, he told me that these were the reason of my blackouts, my hallucinations and attacks. I can’t explain to you how I felt at that moment, every single memory that I have of my happy wedding just crumbled in one second. And the only question that popped into my head was “why?”  I didn’t know the response to this question obviously, but, one thing I was sure about "I had to stay the hell out of this house, and far away from Micheal".

-She’s still breathing, Emma stay with us, stay with us !

-Two holes in her belly, she’s bleeding into her abdomen, we need to get her surgery now!

I overheard these voices, I was unconscious but oversaw in a blur a lot of doctors around me, all the blood on my hands, and before I go into the emergency room, I saw him he was standing there, watching me.