Idiot of the Year

I had messed up! Big time! I would surely go into Guinness

Book of World record for the most 

embarrassing situation one has gotten into, hands down! I mean how can a

person be so naive? No I wasn’t! Foolish? Yeah..maybe a little! I don’t even know what adjective will match the mortifying act that I did half an hour back.

I need to write this down now. No, not for the world to read my foolishness. But I want to talk it out to somebody right? In this exquisite Function Suite, where there was a function an hour back and everyone has enjoying and cheering me, now I have no one to talk about it. So I am writing it now.

What happened was, my book has won Booker prize for the year,

one of the most prestigious awards in the UK. Thanks to all reading this, I

heard your congratulations coming my way. So my daughter arranged a small party for me. It was some close friends and family with whom I love to celebrate my success or any happiness for that matter. Though I don’t remember half of their names many times. Yes, I am very bad at remembering names and my growing age was not doing me any favour! I believe life is all about making good

memories and cherishing them. Life must be full of laughter riots and fun.

That’s why I write comedies more often. 

Coming back to the party. As the guests started walking in,

we had groups talking over the welcome drinks. Laughter was heard from many flocks of people. Everybody was having a great time. My wife and I were welcoming the guests.

And then, I was told to deliver a speech. I had written down some points and planned to build up on them while speaking. It was nothing formal, all of the audience were friends and family after all. Little did I realize that this was going to be the most embarrassing speech of my life!

“ Hello all gorgeous ladies and their average gentlemen,” I

began with a whacky address to get the smiles on all faces in front of me.

Everyone who knew me, was aware how I use peculiarities of people to crack

jokes. 

“ Thank you for gracing me with your presence today. Now I

can have as many drinks as the number of people in this room!” I said and there was soft laughter in the room.

“ Oh..that statement has gotten me a long stare from my

wife! “ All laughed again.

“Speaking of, my wife has always been a great partner who’s always kept up to my high demands, specially when it comes to food. I have a fond memory of how she had tried and tried to make Christmas cookies for a week

last year, until she got the exact same taste as my mother’s cookies. Everyday I tasted and said , “Nay, these are not like my mom’s !” But finally she got it right!”

“Oh dear, I never made Christmas cookies. I always bought

them for you all!” said my mom and everyone started looking at her and then at my wife. There was pin drop silence in the room. My wife looked at me as if she’s gonna swallow me whole. 

There were suppressed giggles in the room thereafter. I gathered

and myself and continued,

“ Anyway, getting to the award that I have received for my

book. This book is set up on life of a woman who’s husband was cheating on her.She had two little kids.”

“Is this some kind of a joke? Why did you invite me Sis? To face such humiliation?” My sister in law got up and said. I was confused.

“Why did you bring this up? Don’t you know she’s just been through a painful divorce?” my wife muttered under a breath standing near me.

“Oh no..Gigi ! It’s just a story. Please don’t take it personally. In fact, you should read my book. You would be truly motivated to know how the lady fought her battle of life to rise a become a Super Chef by winning a cooking contest.” She stared at me and got up from her chair to walk

away.

“You are such a fool. She got eliminated from a cooking contest last week. You have only added to her pain!” said my wife and ran after her.

Somehow she convinced Gigi and got her back to the room. 

“Anyway, sorry about that Gigi. My book is set up at in beautiful Himalayan ranges in India, with so much to admire around. My uncle stays

there currently, so I visited recently.

My father had also bought a piece of land there, long back. He admired the Himalayas and was quite determined to stay there in last few years of his life.” 

“You fool, it was my father who admired Himalayas and he had

bought that piece of land. He transferred it to me through his will. Your father has no contribution to it. Your grandfather does, lest you remember him and give him credit for his work.” My mother fumed in anger.

“Oh no. Sorry Mom. Yeah. My grandfather was a great person.

He stayed in Himalayas with his third wife and two step children for many

years. God knows how he made the same mistake thrice.” Now this was obviously to lighten the stressful atmosphere in the room. But with all the right intentions, you cannot control anyhow when destiny has decided to screw you.

My wife’s uncle had arrived there with his three wives ! All of his three wives stared of me with an intention of cutting me into small pieces

and feeding to wild animals in the forests of Himalayas. I thought, this is the moment when I really have to gather myself together and start mending the mess I had created. 

“Anyway. Jokes apart, I would like to thank my wife Shina for

being such wonderful co-operative partner. She’s always been my first reader and definitely I owe a huge part of my success to her.” The room was filled with silence again. My wife was fuming now. It took me few minutes to realise my mistake. Sheena

was one of her uncle’s three wives whom I had just provoked. My wife’s name was Nina. Told you! I am bad at names! God damn my memory! 

My son walked towards the stage. He tapped on my wife’s shoulder

gently consoling her. He took me by me hand and walked me out. I saw that my daughter came by and put her arm around my wife.

We came out in the fresh spring air. I was numbed at the moment.

What’s wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself tonight, of all nights? 

“I am such an idiot. It’s not my book that should be awarded, I should get the award of ‘Idiot of the Year''

“Dad, playing punches forcefully doesn’t work every time. Everything

is not funny you see. When you try to make it, such blunders happen. C’mon now. Gather yourself. “

“ How can I be so stupid , son?” I said with a lowered voice.

All my energy was drained by the embarrassing situation which had created on my own to walk in pleasantly which made me look more foolish.

“ Now forget it, bygones are bygones. Here’s what we are going

to do now. We will silently walk in and you take your seat. I will get the cake.

We will cut it together and then I will immediately announce the dinner. Everyone will get busy and forget about it. Don’t say a word about anything now. You need

to handle mom and grandma later.”

That mere thought of facing my wife weakened me. But I pulled

myself together to crack some jokes on our neighbour Nina whom she hated, to lighten her mood later. 

-Sumedha Adavade