TALK FOR TWO

<The Banters are back! We hope you’ve missed their silly bantering. They’ve been gone a long while but they couldn’t resist a dialogue-only prompt…their favorite writing style! Enjoy!>

Matthew, do you think I’m frumpy?

Do I think you’re grumpy, Martha? Sure, sometimes…

No, Matthew. I asked if you think I’m frumpy. FR not GR! Geez, I swear that new hearing aid we got you is no better than the previous one, and this one cost a fortune.

I can’t help it Martha if they don’t make hearing aids that are perfect for my ears! You speak so fast and sometimes when you speak, you’re too loud for me. It sounds like you’re shouting so I have to turn it down.Then I can’t hear you at all. So what can I do? Anyway, what did you ask me again?

I asked you if you think I’m frumpy. The word starts with FR not GR.

Oh, you want to know if I think you’re frumpy. This sounds like one of those questions that if I answer it honestly I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Do I really have to answer it?

Yes, you do!

Well, before I do, can I ask what has brought this on all of a sudden.

Yes, you can. It’s this article I just read online. It’s about outdated fashion, trends, that old women… women in their 60s and older still wear and should avoid at all costs. If you consider that I haven’t shopped for clothes in probably the last 10 years, I’m guessing that my wardrobe is full of what they consider outdated styles.

Well, how much does that really matter? Like I see you wearing pretty much the same thing day in and day out, and most of the time it’s your old housecoat unless you have to go and get some groceries…

In other words, I’m frumpy. Great! But, I agree. I tend to wear the same things all the time. I just don’t have much need to dress up anymore and you never seem to notice what I’m wearing when I do. So why bother? 

Martha, are we going to argue? I’m really not in the mood. I can feel myself getting cranky. Can you get to whatever point you’re trying to make or I’ll go back to reading the paper if you don’t mind?

No, no dear. It’s ok. I don’t want to argue either. It’s just that this article has triggered me. Like, one of the styles they consider outdated is baggy clothing. It’s interesting because they show a picture of a young woman wearing what looks like a man’s jacket two sizes too big for her, a buttoned up white shirt that she’s left hanging out of her pants and of all things, a purple tie. Now I wouldn’t be caught dead, wearing something like that, but I’ve seen pictures of Billie Eilish dressed like that. So if it’s OK for Billie Eilish, why isn’t it OK for me?

Martha, who the hell is Billie Eilish?

She’s a current top music icon, kinda like Taylor Swift, but not anything like Taylor Swift … at least not in her looks or her music.

OK, you’ve lost me Martha. I don’t know either of them. Let’s get back to what you were talking about. What was it anyway?

I was talking to you about old ladies like me wearing outdated clothes and suggesting I shouldn’t wear anything baggy. 

Yes, I must admit I’ve noticed you wear a lot of baggy clothing like loose fitting sweatshirts.

So you do think I’m frumpy! I thought so. But here’s the thing: those sweatshirts are so comfortable, Matthew! And more importantly, they hide what I hate anybody seeing: my 79 year-old bloated two-baby belly! I look terrible in anything that shows what I look like below the waist, so I prefer to hide it. Yet this article tells me that anything that fits perfectly will give me confidence. Having others see my big belly does NOT give me confidence! Who are they kidding?

Well, don’t let it get you all riled up Martha. It’s not good for your blood pressure. What other things does the article have to say?

It states that wearing too much jewellery at my age is tacky. That’s not really a problem for me because I don’t have a lot of jewellery and we have very few occasions that call for jewellery anyway. So I’m safe on that one. And the other one I’m safe on is directed at those older women who use vibrant hair colours like pink, blue or purple. The article says that shows their age even more. 

Purple hair on an old woman? Oh Martha, thank heaven you never colour your beautiful silvery grey hair! I’ve heard your friends, and even your daughters comment that they would love to have that kind of grey hair when they reach your age. 

Aw…how sweet of you to say that Matthew. 

Well, is there anything else or can I go back to my paper now? 

Yes, there’s this one that I’m wondering if you would agree with. Long ago you advised me to wear wire-framed or frameless glasses because it makes the glasses less apparent. Given you’re a photographer, I trust your judgement on that and I always liked that style too. But now they’re saying that that just makes someone my age look older.

So what do they advise?

Well, they’re saying the recent rage is to wear those thick-framed glasses that nowadays come with large lenses. The frames are often black or in some cases have really funky colours.

Haven’t I’ve seen you wearing those ugly big black framed glasses that take up half of your face lately? I think they’re awful! 

Oh, you noticed?

Of course I noticed, but I didn’t dare incur your wrath by commenting. That said, give me your old wire-rim glasses any day! Dare I ask what else these almighty fashion gurus have to say? Sounds like a bunch of Gobbledygook to me! I wonder just how much companies are paying them to write this crap?

Ya think? Like how’s this for a contradiction in the same article. Remember how I told you they suggest that clothes that fit right, like a cinched cardigan, give you confidence? Well further below in the article they say don’t wear clothes that “hug just the right places and make you look like a sardine”. And you know what else? They tell me to ditch high heels!

But your legs look great in heels! 

Well, thanks for that, but you may have noticed I haven’t worn them in years. For one we never go anywhere that I need to wear heels and secondly, I keep tripping or falling over even in flat shoes. I sure don’t need an article to tell me that. That’s only good sense. 

So if you disagree with so much of what’s in this article, why do you even bother reading it, let alone telling me all this silly stuff?

Oh, I guess because sometimes I feel really frumpy and dumpy and I have so many favourite dresses in my closet that never get worn, either because we never go anywhere or they don’t fit me anymore. I have never quite gotten over how upset I was when I tried on that dress that I’d worn only two years earlier and I got stuck in it. Do you remember that? I couldn’t pull it off over my head and I couldn’t pull it down over my hips. I wanted to die when you heard me crying in the closet and had to come and get the damn dress off me. I was so embarrassed.

Oh, I do sort of remember that. It was actually rather funny.

Maybe for you, but I died 1000 deaths. Needless to say the dress is long gone along with several bags of others that I knew I’d never wear again. 

Well, is there anything else in that article you want to share with me or can I go back to my paper now? I think I’ve forgotten which article I was reading. 

Did you take your finger off the spot in the article that you were reading? I’ve noticed that you do that whenever I interrupt you.

Which is pretty often, but hey, it’s OK. I know you love to talk. I’ll find it again.

Well, thanks for indulging me.

So what are you gonna do next?

I think I’m going to log into Amazon or Temu and see if I can find myself a nice new housecoat…