Contest #186 winner 🏆

265 comments

Bedtime Funny Kids

(This uses a triangular sequence to determine the number of words per line, and per paragraph https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_number. A couple of the longer lines seem to wrap as well - not clear how to resolve that with this editor.)





Mouse!





In

my house.





I

know not

whence it came.





Eyes

beady eyes

glare at me

and whiskers chuff away.





“Shoo!”

I shout

and heavily stomp.

“Get you gone now,

beast, and forever hie away.”





“No,”

it squeaks;

its nose twitches,

“It cannot be done,

I’m so sorry to say.”

And I’m perplexed and ever vexed.





“What?”

I wonder.

“How dare you?

What insolence is this?”

Such a cheeky little mouse

defying me in my own house,

I simply cannot stomach this at all.





“Cheese,

please sir,

I beg you,”

says the fluffy runt.

“I am poor and famished,

and you have so much bounty.

Just a little nibble, tittle, and jot,

a slice of yellow heaven, a pungent triangle.”





Cheese,

of course

it’s always cheese.

I feel pity swell.

I cut a cheddar chunk,

an orange sliver, crumbly and sharp,

and hand it to the starving rodent.

“There there, of course, a triangle is fair.

And now you’ve had your fill my friend, adieu.”





“Thanks,”

it says,

and then: “But.”

But? Is there more?

“What of my wife, sir?

She’s dwindling fast, the poor lass,

and dearly needs a bite as well.”

A hungry wife? Well that’s certainly no good.

I grab my knife and measure the cheddar anew.

“Camembert, sir, if you please. Her tastes are quite refined.”





Again

I slice,

and give away.

“Is that all then?”

The mouse pockets the cheese

and squeaks, “I’ve two children also.”

I sigh and raise my knife again.

“Gouda for my girl Eileen, her favourite kind,

and brie, my boy Maurice – he can’t do without.”

I cut again and once more, my cupboard running bare,

my plans for French soup abandoned, and my toast left unadorned.





“More,”

he squeaks.

“I’ve cousins some,

arriving from all over,

and aunts and uncles too.

A mouse-ish wedding we will have

so cut and cut more triangles, sir,

of edam, feta, parmesan, and gruyere and blue,

and for the kids, a queso sauce, and cream–”

I scream! My shaking hand cramps from the endless cutting.

“How many more?” I fretfully ask. “How many kin have you?”

“Oh more, sir, a great deal so, from countries far and wide.”





Squeaks

and chitters

fill the air,

a thousand tiny feet.

Around me are a legion,

a million mice carpet my home

and drape the walls with beady eyes

and swishing cobra tails. They sniff and whisker

and debate which cheeses are best, and argue ceaselessly.

Then I hear my guest, “Keep cutting sir! More cheese!

We need halloumi by the load and much Havarti and Swiss.

Cottage by the bucket, and Muenster by the barrel. And above all

we need the cheese – that glorious, sumptuous, blissful cheese – that everyone calls cake.”





Sweat

drips into

my sorry eyes,

I hack my knife

so hard the counter splits.

The mice, they cheer and jeer

and hurry me along. Each new cheese

I cut into a slice and then again

diagonally; two perfect triangles filling the mice with glee.

“More!” they shout, their squeak a roar, a deafening tide

of joy. “More, sir, don’t lag behind! We hunger ever so!”

They pass me a new, bigger knife, and tip my fridge over,

and produce a better cutting board – big, industrial and made of stainless steel

– and shout “Our appetite keeps growing! Just cut and cut again, another cheesy triangle!”





Another

cheesy triangle!?

What to do?

My arm goes numb

and my back aches so.

I cannot keep this pace up,

but my guests do goad me on.

I fear what happens when I run out

the last of all my cheese. Will that sate

the little beasts? Or will their hunger just keep growing?

Each time I blink there’s even more mice by the dozen.

They walk on stilts and fill the air, hanging from tiny ropes,

a million million eyes on me. They bet each time another triangle’s cut

to see who gets the prize; and those who don’t just roar their ire:

“Cut faster, man, and harder! More triangles for us today! You’ve done okay so far.”





“Mouse!”

I cry.

“How much more?”

“More and ever more,”

he says, and they cheer.

“I’ve given you an inch already–”

“–and we’ll have a mile. You see,

we like your home and we’d simply hate

if we had to chew the walls. You agree?”

I don’t want them in my walls, yes, I concur

that cheese is the better of the two. “And,” he says,

“a small known fact: that mice, though small, are fond of meat.”

Of meat? I wonder what they mean. What next? A slice of ham?

Or chicken drumstick, turkey leg, bacon rasher, sausage, steak or big tin of spam?

My fridge is nearly empty as it is, and held little more than my cheese.

I may have a can or two of sardines in the basement, or tuna and beans.





Silence,

I note

all around me.

Not a single squeak,

peep, chirp, snuffle, or twitch.

All ten billion eyes on me.

“Meat,” says the mouse, “my good sir.”

And all their mouths drip with fresh saliva.

“No hard feelings, sir, but we’ll have our fill.

Keep the triangles of cheese coming, and cut them well,

or we’ll gnaw the cutter who’s surpassed his purpose. It’s recycling.”

My throat’s gone dry, I swallow hard, and get back to slicing.

I feel their eyes crawl on my skin and hear their slobber drip.

How did I get into this mess? How did the day turn so awry?

The sun was nice this morning and I never feared that today I would die.

I ponder all the plans left unfulfilled, as I cut another triangle and toss it to

the mass of mice. Another dozen slices of smooth mozzarella, another score or two of crumbly asiago –





Out.

Of cheese.

I swallow hard.

The tense mice shift,

my fridge a barren void.

“Thank you, sir,” says the mouse.

“You’ve done quite well, but that’s all.

We’d love more cheese, but now we’ll feast–”

“Wait!” I cry, interrupting the beast. “A moment please.”

“Well?” he arches an irritated eyebrow. “What is it then?

Hurry now, for our stomachs rumble so, and our young hunger.”

Think fast! I think I’ve done my good deed for the day

and don’t relish ending up a mousy meal. But what can I do?

There’s a billion billion of them, stacked so tight they run floor to ceiling.

If only I had more cheese for just another triangle or two. But that’s it!

“Mouse!” I say. “There is more cheese!” He frowns and scans the fridge, empty and lifeless.

“Not here, but at the store! I’ll grab my wallet and drive down, and return with more!”

The mice agree, and I flee across the sea. And the house, I put up for sale, as-is.

February 18, 2023 22:56

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265 comments

Wendy Rogers
18:31 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations! What a challenge this one was, you did such a great job using the mathematical prompts in your story!

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Michał Przywara
19:51 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks, Wendy! It was a fun challenge indeed :)

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Viga Boland
17:59 Mar 03, 2023

CONGRATULATIONS on winning contest #186. You certainly received glowing praise from the primary prompt judge. Excellent!

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Michał Przywara
18:17 Mar 03, 2023

Thank you, Viga! It was a lovely surprise :)

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Viga Boland
18:32 Mar 03, 2023

That’s the second one for you now plus several shortlists. Kudos!

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Laurel Hanson
17:50 Mar 03, 2023

Congrats! Well deserved.

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Michał Przywara
17:54 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks! :D

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Kathy Trevelyan
17:37 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations Michal! A well deserved win.

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Michał Przywara
17:57 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks Kathy!

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Lindsey B
16:58 Mar 03, 2023

Very reminiscent of the "tail" in Alice in Wonderland... Great to read!

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Michał Przywara
17:55 Mar 03, 2023

Thank you, Lindsey :)

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Aaron KC
16:54 Mar 03, 2023

I really didn't think I would like one of the number sequence stories. In my experience as a reader, these gimmicky kind of stories always end up forced. The dialogue or story itself suffers as the author tries to stay true to the gimmick. Not so in this case. This story was a delight. Thank you very much.

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Michał Przywara
16:56 Mar 03, 2023

Heh, I was worried I would end up writing a forced gimmicky story :) I'm glad it ended up being enjoyable - thanks Aaron!

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Calm Shark
16:40 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations, Michal!

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Michał Przywara
16:55 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks, Calm Shark! :D

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15:50 Mar 03, 2023

Michal! Congratulations! I am so happy for you! :) you did an amazing job with this story, I really did love reading it, and I'm so glad the judges were able to see how clever and fun it is! <3

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Michał Przywara
16:40 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks Hannah! Fun to write too :)

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Naomi Onyeanakwe
15:40 Mar 03, 2023

This was a very brilliant and very enjoyable story. Congratulations on the win, Michal!

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Michał Przywara
16:40 Mar 03, 2023

Thank you Naomi :D

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Kelsey H
08:01 Mar 03, 2023

I wasn't even going to touch this prompt, impressed with anyone who did! Also impressed that the formula doesn't overtake the story, the prose feels very lyrical and was fun to read, everything fits together even though you must have had some pretty major constraints to work around ... and I loved the double meaning of triangles too. Also the humour has a really dark vibe by the end which I love, especially the final line.

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Michał Przywara
21:36 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks Kelsey! Yeah, it was definitely an unusual challenge, but fun. Had to change my writing approach, with the constant line/paragraph limits. I'm glad you enjoy the result :)

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Sally Jupe
20:50 Mar 02, 2023

You made a much better job of this me in my story with the same triangle concept, Michal and yes it was very clever and funny too. I agree, getting the right numbers of words was easy, it was for me getting the story to tie up in those words but you did this so well!

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Michał Przywara
03:10 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks, Sally! It was definitely tricky, but I think it gave me a fair excuse to use less common words, like "whence" :) But I think it could be better yet. There was a tendency to make it lyrical or poetic - even though the lines kept getting bigger - and I wonder if syllable count would have been a better choice than word count. Oh well, an experiment for another day. I appreciate the feedback!

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John Lindquist
00:17 Mar 02, 2023

Great work with the prompt! That was a fun read. Well done.

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Michał Przywara
21:39 Mar 02, 2023

Thanks, John! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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21:17 Mar 01, 2023

This is fun Michal. I like the tie in with the triangle cheeses in the story (poem?) as you go along. I picked out quite a few internal rhymes which I enjoyed. What started off quite sweet turned pretty nasty by the end - though it is marked as funny and for kids - which also amused me.

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Michał Przywara
21:42 Mar 02, 2023

Thanks, Katharine! Yeah, playing with the physical structure felt poetic, though I'm no poet :) I've been reading a lot about Roald Dahl recently, and that probably put me in the mind of kids' stories that don't necessarily have happy endings for everyone. A bit of a Grimm callback, perhaps :)

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Kathy Trevelyan
10:09 Mar 01, 2023

Ooh, I really enjoyed this! It starts of quite sweet, then progresses through funny to sinister, I’m a little in awe of your use of the triangles, and I saw your reply to someone about making up a Python script to sort it out….. I bow before your genius! I loved the whole premise of this challenge, really pushing us to think outside the box. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

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Michał Przywara
21:44 Mar 01, 2023

Thanks, Kathy! Yeah, the challenge in this prompt was fun, and definitely a different way of approaching stories :) I'll admit, it's got me thinking about form in ways I never considered before - though I suppose short stories are more limited here, than something like poetry. I appreciate the feedback!

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Cindy Strube
08:20 Mar 01, 2023

Brilliant. Clever structure and an exciting story, full of drama! Who’d think cute, funny, suspense, and horror would be a tasty blend? The numerous varieties of cheese demanded by the mice just amps up the story. (But. No gjetost?) Leading up to the protagonist fearing for his life, there’s the wondering how it will resolve. And then—selling the house as-is. Perfect. (Of course you’d use Python to keep track of mice…)

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Michał Przywara
21:48 Mar 01, 2023

"No gjetost?" Ah, the shame! Actually, I hadn't even heard of that cheese. I feel I should hand in my cheese aficionado licence :) Heh, I didn't notice the mouse/Python connection either - good eye :) I'm glad you enjoyed this silly triangle. It was a strange jaunt into a strange prompt, but it got me thinking down lines most weeks don't.

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Cindy Strube
02:56 Mar 02, 2023

You can have a pass on that one—I only know it from growing up with a Scandinavian friend! And your list was impressive enough. Technically, gjetost is slow-caramelized goat milk whey, but classified as a cheese. Sooo good. And expensive.

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Cindy Strube
15:55 Mar 03, 2023

I knew it was genius! Congratulations 🎉 on the win—very happy to see you top the list!

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Samsara Lind
15:32 Feb 26, 2023

What a creative take on the prompt! Very entertaining :D

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Michał Przywara
19:35 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks, Samsara! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Helen A Smith
10:54 Feb 26, 2023

Hi Michal Great interpretation of the prompt. Having had encounters with mice in the past, it doesn’t take a huge leap to imagine this situation developing, although maybe not quite to that level (hopefully not). Enjoyed the poetry and the ending. Poor man. What little horrors!!!

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Michał Przywara
23:55 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks, Helen! Yup, hopefully in real life they don't expand quite so quickly :) I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

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Kendra Lindholm
05:20 Feb 26, 2023

Very impressed at the triangle viewpoint, yet such a story within. How ,much cheese research did you have to do? or did you know all the names and styles already? lol

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Michał Przywara
19:03 Feb 26, 2023

Many cheeses I did already know, but I still had to dig some up online :) And I learned there's way more of them out there than I've ever heard of. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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J.C. Lovero
21:03 Feb 25, 2023

First, I must commend you on picking one of the harder prompts for this week. I admire your ability to maintain the triangular structure, make the sentences work, incorporate a rhyme, AND make it a horror/suspense story about mice and cheese. High praise to you, sir! This story had a children's tale/fable vibe to it. And though it is a simple read on the surface, one layer underneath I get the sense it is a cautionary tale about just giving people what they want, to the point that it will kill you. Not sure if that was what you were going f...

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Michał Przywara
03:11 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks, J. C.! Yeah, initially it was just a silly tale about mice and cheese, and maybe going a little dark, but I think you're right - a bit of a caution emerged here, about not going overboard with giving. We traditionally make a big deal of the importance of sharing, particularly in kids' stories, and I think that's great. Lots of value in it. A pet peave of mine is a blind, unquestioning adherence to rules though, turning the world into absolutes, black and white. Maybe this is an alternate perspective. Thanks for reading!

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Lance Peltier
18:14 Feb 25, 2023

This was a great piece of work. It really feels like a Grimm fairytale.

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Michał Przywara
16:31 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks, Lance! I was definitely going more Grimm than Disney :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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