User’s Manual for your New Bunker

Congratulations on becoming the proud new owner of this state-of-the-art Pioneer Development survival bunker! My name is Andrew “Ace” Larsen, the CEO of Pioneer Development, and I’m here to walk you through how to use and operate this facility. Once we’re done here, you and your loved ones will be able to breeze through any potential catastrophe. You’ll be living in so much comfort, you might not ever want to leave!

Your bunker is located in the lovely Parchment Hills region of Southern California. It’s surrounded by acres of native palo verde trees, and is a prime spot for bird watching. Keep an eye out for the California Quails that nest in the area! You’ll also hear the sounds of traffic from the I5, which borders the property.

Inside, your bunker contains all you and your loved ones will need for survival, including rooms for sleeping, dining, and even modest spaces set aside for relaxation and recreation. With a manually-operated generator and enough preserved food and water to sustain a medium-sized family for decades, the bunker practically runs itself! And that’s the entire point, after all.

Here at Pioneer Development, we take our commitment to the quality of our products very seriously. I have personally tested the comfort and reliability of this model by having lived in this very bunker myself for seven months, along with my beautiful, endlessly supportive, and long-suffering wife Janine, and our two children Monica and Andrew Jr. So you can rest easy knowing that, whatever might come, you’ll be safe and secure in your new home away from home.

Luckily for you, there’s only three simple rules for your bunker that you need follow:

1: Never Open the Bunker Door

Obviously, I mean after you and your loved ones have gone inside the bunker! What would be the point of having a bunker if you didn’t use it? But once you are inside and all settled in for the big event, that bunker door must remain closed under all circumstances. This is absolutely essential.

Now, you may wish to ready yourself, because there’s no pleasant way to talk about the potential disasters which might necessitate the use of a survival bunker such as the one you are now in possession of. Fortunately, your bunker is secured against all forms of natural disasters, such as earthquakes, droughts, and forest fires, and will provide you with all you need to survive in the event of a total governmental collapse. But here we’ll discuss the most likely cause of a large-scale disaster, and the specific event that your bunker has been designed to protect you and your loved ones against: Nuclear War.

Our planners at Pioneer Development have carefully selected this location in Parchment Hills to be far removed from major cities such as Los Angeles, and other locations that would be the primary targets of nuclear bombs. However, in the event of a nuclear war, nowhere on the surface of the Earth can be considered safe due to the global reach of thermonuclear missiles, and the potential aggression of America’s enemies, who may seek to reduce every inch of this great country to atomic ash.

From inside your bunker, the bombs being dropped will sound very much like distant thunder. You may hear a final, desperate, panicked surge of traffic along the I5, or you may not, but it will soon end in eternal silence. Walls of nuclear fire will roll in great waves across the landscape, incinerating the palo verde trees, and vaporizing the quails. But you and your loved ones will be safe inside, protected from all the chaos and destruction, so long as you keep the bunker door closed.

You may wonder how you will know when the risk of nuclear war is high enough that it is time to go into your bunker. As I always tell Janine, the biggest threat to America remains global communism, which wages an insidious and endless war against our way of life. The first sign, therefore, that the communists are ready to strike, will be the collapse of local businesses: a covert economic assault intended to weaken and demoralize the nation in preparation of a nuclear attack.

2: Never Open the Bunker Door

After the bombs stop falling, it may be tempting for you and your loved ones to leave your bunker and attempt to rejoin what remains of society. This would be a deadly mistake. In addition to the health risk posed by lingering radioactive fallout, it is in the wake of large-scale disasters that human beings are at their most vicious and savage. Without laws and social norms to keep people in check, the most violent among us will be unleashed, forming bands of roving marauders, ruled with a tyrannical fist by he who is the strongest. These bands will prowl the nuclear wasteland, seeking the settlements of other survivors to loot and pillage. Those they do not kill for sadistic sport will be dragged off in chains to toil in slavery. Therefore, it is best to remain secluded until a time when proper law and order can be reestablished, if such a time ever comes.

Luckily for you, your new bunker is designed to be impervious against all breach attempts from the outside. The door, made of high-grade steel and concrete, can withstand even artillery fire. All you need to do is keep the bunker door securely closed, and ensure that all your loved ones remain safely inside.

Be warned that marauders are devious, and may attempt to trick you into opening your bunker door. They may claim to be merely concerned neighbors, or even law enforcement officers. They may kidnap people you once knew on the outside, and make them lie to you in an attempt to lure you out of safety. They may even try to convince you that there never was a nuclear war, and that society is continuing to function just as it was before.

All of these are tricks, and you must not fall for them. Remember: you are safe in your bunker. Your loved ones are safe in your bunker. Nothing can hurt you so long as you keep that bunker door closed. And one day, just like on that day when you knew that the bombs were going to fall, you’ll know that it’s safe to return to the world outside. And when you do you’ll be in the noble company of other survivors who had the same foresight that you did.

3: Never Open the Bunker Door

Isolation can be a tremendously difficult thing for any family to bear. After months cooped up, alone, your loved ones may begin begging you to let them step out of the bunker, just to get a glimpse of the outside world again. But, as difficult as it will be to do, it is your duty to stay strong and tell them No. You must be the rock upon which your family rests. You - who had the wisdom to take them into the bunker in the first place - you alone are responsible for their safety, even if they can no longer see it themselves. Yes, it may seem unfair, or even extreme, but for the sake of your loved ones’ lives, you must not allow them to leave until you are absolutely certain it is safe to do so. Their survival rests in your hands.

As the months drag on, staving off a mutiny will become more and more of a challenge. Your loved ones may be fooled into believing some of the lies the marauders whisper through your bunker door. They may succumb to the fantasy that there was no apocalypse. And, as hard as it may be to hear, your own spouse may turn on you, insisting that it’s unhealthy for your children to be holed up inside like this for so long - that there’s still a school they need to go back to. She might say that there was no communist takeover, and that sometimes companies just don’t work out. But that’s impossible. Pioneer Development had an ironclad business model, so nothing short of foreign interference could possibly have brought it down. Some conclusions can’t be avoided, no matter how unpleasant they may seem.

You will need to remain vigilant, particularly when you are preparing to sleep. Be especially suspicious if your loved ones suddenly begin acting agreeable again after weeks of complaints and pleading. It would also be wise to hide any ropes or other tools by which they might be able to restrain you, so that you don’t wake up to find yourself bound to your cot with the bunker door keys stolen, and your loved ones missing.

I regret to say that I was not successful in this particular regard. And, after seven long months, I suppose I can’t say I blame her. I was angry at first, I confess. Furious, even. And I’m not too proud to say I didn’t cry. But now? I’m all spent now. Now I just desperately hope they’re all still alive out there, wherever they’ve gone.

So I’m going to be breaking my own rules. I have to find them, one way or another, even if I don’t survive the journey. I’ve made mistakes - I see that now. I was a bad husband, and a bad father, and I don’t know if I can ever make it right. But I have to try. All a man can do is try.

I love you, Janine. If you’re alive out there, I don’t know if you can ever take me back after what I’ve done. But, if you can’t, well, that would hurt more than anything in my life, but I won’t hold it against you. I really am truly sorry.

Whoever you are that’s reading this, my bunker’s yours now. I hope it serves you and your loved ones well. Better than it served me and mine. One way or another, I won’t be coming back here.

Good luck.

I think I hear traffic.