A Whole New World

1.

“Illeia? Oh, darling little one, you’ve grown! Come in, come in, we’re so happy to have you here.” Marcia Woodhouse stepped aside to allow inside a petite teenager with shoulder-length, blonde hair, pretty green eyes and arms full of luggage. The girl looked timidly around at the foyer, taking in everything with her deep eyes.

     Mrs. Woodhouse shut the door and turned to the bottom of the stairs. “Calling all Woodhouses!”

     Illeia gasped as a rumbling and banging was heard upstairs. Then, all of a sudden, children began appearing. They slid down bannisters and climbed out of closets and jumped off the furniture until, finally, they all stood in an awkward clump that did not remotely resemble a line.

     Mrs. Woodhouse took a baby handed to her by one of the older girls. “Guys, this is your cousin, Illeia Brown from London, she’s going to be staying with us for a few months. Illeia, these are your cousins. This is the oldest, Mary, then Jean Marie, Gus, Bobby, Helen, Vincent, Anna Grace, and baby Judith. Jean Marie is your age and she’ll show you around. I hope you’ll be at home, dear.”

     With that, the kids bid Illeai hello and then began to disperse in little groups. Illeia turned to Jean Marie, who smiled warmly. “Come on, I’ll show you around.”

     She and Illeia embarked on the stairs when, suddenly, from the room above, there came a shrill, high-pitched scream. It went on and on, and began to be joined by more screams, yells, and exclamations. Illeia jumped, wide-eyed, and looked at Jean Marie, who had continued to talk as though nothing had happened. “We redid the stairs after Vincent and Gus stuck Anna Grace between the bars and we had to- Illeia? What’s wrong?”

     Illeia was aghast. “Don’t you hear that?”

     To her surprise, Jean Marie began to laugh hysterically. “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about. That's Helen and Bobby. They’re just playing.” Still laughing at Illeia’s shocked expression, Jean Marie pulled her up the stairs. “You’ve got a lot to learn about big-family life. So, let’s start with the basics. Number one: No matter the volume, screaming is always acceptable.”

2.

Jean Marie and Illeia made their way into a room at the top of the stairs. Mary lay on one of the three beds, reading. She smiled as they came in, but didn’t speak.

     “Let’s get you unpacked,” Jean Marie said briskly. As Illeia began pulling clothes out of her suitcase, Helen came in, nursing a finger. “How’s Bobby?” Mary asked sarcastically. Helen glowered at her wordlessly. Just then, Bobby burst into the room, Anna Grace in tow. “Ha!” he yelled triumphantly. “I have a prisoner, Helen, and I’m not going to let her go until you give me your little pencil that changes colors!”

     “That’s not fair! She’s littler!” Helen shouted indignantly. Anna Grace began to wail and Helen hurled herself at Bobby. At that moment, Vincent charged in yelling loudly. Anna Grace broke free and jumped onto Jean Marie's bed. Helen and Bobby followed with Vincent close behind. A pillow fight ensued. Illeia's clothes flew this way and that as she watched in horror.

     Jean Marie turned to Illeia with a wan smile. “Rule Number Two: There is no such thing as personal space.”

3.

An hour later, the children had been shooed from the room and only Jean Marie, Helen, and Illeia remained, Illeia finished her unpacking. She found that she and Jean Marie got on very well, chatting amiably with an occasional comment from Mary or Helen. When Jean Marie proposed seeing the downstairs, Illeia readily agreed.

     When they entered the living room, Mary and Gus were clearly in the middle of something.

"I'm not bossy, you're just misbehaved!"

"I can't stand stuck-up, know-it-all girls!"

"I'm a know-it-all? Who was it that decided to show up half of the fifth grade class' spelling bee?"

"They were terrible! Someone had to intervene!"

"And you don't think that's bossy at all?"

"I'll tell you what's bossy. Sending Helen to her room for breathing to loudly?"

"Know-it-all!"

"Bossy!"

"Rude little pig!"

"Bossy old hen!"

On and on it went, until finally, Jean Marie yelled, "Guys! You are not making a very good impression with Illeia, here."

Mary and Gus looked mildly ashamed. Casting each other deeply resentful looks, they parted ways in silence.

Jean Marie sighed and rolled her eyes at Illeia. "Rule Number Three: 'An eye for an eye makes the world blind' only applies to pacifists, which big-family children are never."

4.

A bell began to ring in the kitchen. “Oh, lunchtime!” Jean Marie bolted for the door and Illeia followed. Most of the family was already seated. A man walked into the room. He was tall and dark, and Illeia could tell he had once been handsome. Lines of mirth highlighted his face accompanied here or there by a worry crease. This, Illeia thought, must be Mr. Woodhouse.

     Mrs. Woodhouse came over. “Illeia, this is my husband, David. David, this is Katie and Jim’s daughter, Illeia.”

     “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Illeia. We are so happy to have you here and I hope that you’ll enjoy your stay with us.” David Woodhouse smiled peacefully.

     With everyone seated, they began to eat. With lots of talk and laughter, they all helped themselves to chicken, salad, fruit, corn, and rolls.

     At one point in the meal, the talk turned to the Electoral College.

     “I think it’s a horrid system,” Mary declared passionately.

     “How can those words even pass your lips?” Gus exclaimed.

“Look, everyone votes, the candidate with the most votes is the president, it’s as simple as that.” Mary stated firmly.

     “Oh, come on, Mary! The Electoral College makes sure there’s no mob rule!” Jean Marie proclaimed.

     “And it makes sure we can’t rig the election,” piped up Bobby.

     “Oh come on… worst political thinker I’ve ever met… did you see… the New York Times…”

     On and on it went, until Illeia felt as though the words whirled and whipped about her like a strong gust of wind. She felt very confused by the arguments and didn’t understand the lack of calm conversation. In the midst of all the babbling, Jean Marie leaned over and whispered, “Rule Number Four: EVERYONE is opinionated.”

5.

     After the political discussion had died down, Illeia excused herself to get a drink. She went to the garage and popped open a diet soda. When she returned to the table, she found several pieces of chicken missing from her plate. She looked at the floor thinking it must have fallen and was confused to find nothing there. Then she looked across the table to see Vincent munching on two chicken strips that he had certainly not had when she left. She turned to find Jean Marie watching her with an amused twinkle in her eye. “Rule Number Five,” she said, her voice full of laughter, “Any unattended food is up for grabs. Period.”

6.

           After lunch, Mrs. Woodhouse suggested that they all go for dessert at the ice cream parlor down the street. In a great flurry, the Woodhouse children and Illeia struggled into coats, socks, shoes, and sweaters. Finally, everyone was prepared to leave.

           Walking through the crowded shopping center was very strange, though Illeia wasn't sure why. She felt eyes on the back of her neck and wondered at the people who seemed to be so interested in her. Quickly pulling out a pocket mirror, she examined her face, but found nothing out of sorts. Yet, the staring, gawking, blinking strangers continued to double-take and start as they passed. It didn’t appear that any of the Woodhouses noticed, except perhaps the parents, who smiled politely at the ogling strangers.

           Entirely confused, Illeia turned to Jean Marie. “Jean Marie,” she murmured softly, “do I have something on my face?” Jean Marie looked uncomprehendingly at Illeia. “Why is everyone staring?” Illeia pressed.

           Jean Marie grinned. “Oh, Rule Number Six: When others stare at you in public, it’s never because you have something on your face.”

7.

           Walking home from the ice cream shop, Illeia was determined to ignore the looks of strangers passing by. When they arrived back at the house, Illeia began sprinting to the door in a race with Bobby and Helen. Suddenly, she tripped on the porch step and fell, landing hard on her ankle. Illeia cried out in pain, sending all the Woodhouses rushing to her aid.

           “Oh, Aunt Marcia,” she sat on the kitchen counter while Mrs. Woodhouse examined her ankle. “Do I need to see a doctor?”

           Mrs. Woodhouse laughed at the distraught child. “No, dear. It’s only sprained! I have an excellent home remedy that will do nicely. Now just let me find it…” She left in search of a book.

           Illeia looked at the crowd of children who were watching with concern. “Did she say my ankle’s sprained?”

           The Woodhouses nodded.

           “Then- well, shouldn’t I see a doctor?”

           All the children looked at her blankly.

           Illeia grew impatient. “For my foot! Shouldn’t I see a doctor for my foot?”

           Helen and Vincent began to snicker loudly. Mary shushed them but exchanged an amused glance with Jean Marie, who turned to Illeia. “Um, Rule Number Seven: If you mention needing a doctor for your sprained ankle, you may end up on the kitchen counter with your foot soaked in kale juice and your ankle wrapped in garlic. Who needs a doctor, anyway?

8.

           An hour later, Illeia sat on the kitchen counter with her foot soaking, no, not in kale juice, but in a butter/lemon/olive mixture that Mrs. Woodhouse swore would solve the problem immediately.

           While her foot soaked, she chatted aimlessly with Jean Marie. All at once, Gus, Bobby, Vincent, and Helen all ran into the room and, stopping before the girls, brandished their toy guns at them. “Surrender or die!” Gus declared. “You are at our mercy!” Helen shrieked.

           Illeia rolled her eyes. Jean Marie looked at her. “Oh, don’t worry, you don’t need to explain this one to me.” Illeia assured her cousin. “I do have a brother you know. He’s always threatening to shoot me, but he knows that if he did, my father would-” She was cut off by a Nerf bullet striking her side accompanied by the triumphant cheers of Vincent.

           “So, actually, Rule Number Eight?” Jean Marie retrieved the bullet. “Always assume that the Nerf gun is loaded.”

9.

Victorious war cries filled the air.

“Man down!”

“One kill for Vincent.”

“Move out, troops!”

With that, the four bolted from the room, yelling and hooting all the way. Then, who should arrive but Anna Grace, angry and screaming, tears streaming down her face. “Mary won’t let me play in the big girls’ room and I really want to and she’s the meanest big sister-” and so on.

Just then, the four gun-wielders charged in again and began circling the room, nerf bullets flying everywhere. Mary strode in carrying Judith. “Jean Marie, I’m on the phone, please?” She held out Judith to Jean Marie, who grudgingly took the baby from her sister. Judith began to wail inconsolably at being parted from Mary.

“I told you, she doesn’t like me at all!” Jean Marie called after Mary.

Illeia almost felt nauseous what with the battle cries of the children, Anna Grace’s screaming, Judith’s sobs, and Mary’s phone conversation whirling all about her. Jean Marie was talking to her, but she couldn’t hear. “What?” she called.

Jean Marie shouted, “Rule Number Nine: If it’s too loud, your complaints are only making it louder.”

10.

           Several hours later, Illeia’s ankle was swollen and red. Mr. Woodhouse examined it. “Marcia,” he said slowly, “I believe we may actually require a doctor here.”

           And, so, it was decided that Illeia would be taken to a doctor’s office for her ankle. Jean Marie was sent to fetch Illeia’s coat. As she limped to the car, Illeia noticed that Helen and Bobby were seated inside. When she entered the car, she asked “What are you all doing?”

           “We’re just coming for the ride,” Helen replied. Even as she spoke, out came Gus dragging Vincent with him. Then came Mrs. Woodhouse with Judith, and, finally, an annoyed Mary pulling along a protesting Anna Grace. Jean Marie and her father came dashing out of the house. When the two Woodhouse parents, three Woodhouse boys, five Woodhouse girls, and Illeia were settled in the car, Jean Marie once more began to laugh at Illeia’s expression. “I think I forgot the most important rule,” she giggled, “EVERYTHING is a family affair.”