Minimal Contact

Oh to be an introvert…

Today was the day I had decided… it was time.

I put my big girl pants on and grabbed my mask unconsciously. The day I would have to open the door had finally come.

(The pandemic has been over for at least 5 months… but don’t judge me… I’m an introvert)

The world seemed so bright to everyone else. The sun shining brilliantly and the air clearer than ever. And as I walked out onto the street, bustling with life once again, I held my breath.

So many people… They felt like rats, they felt like they were too close, running up and down. A can of tightly packed sardines… They moved around me and walked in front of me, they zoomed past me, my nose brushing against one too many a shirt.

My skin crawled and I felt like a germaphobe. I promise you I am not! I only wish to stay happy and healthy (within reason of course). But it is hard enough for an introvert to be around so many other humans and to add the fact that they could be carrying a virus with them, only made me want to steer clear of interaction all the more.

I felt swallowed by them, small and inconspicuous… just the way I liked it… but after the pandemic I felt claustrophobic.

I saw them staring at me. I wasn’t moving after all in this human highway… But only as I reached the bus, crammed - body against body like it used to be- did I realize. I was the only one wearing a mask…

I’m not taking any chances… I don’t care if they say we’ve been inoculated by the big bad. I don’t care if they say that there is no more risk.

My mouth area self-confidence – has dropped to an all-time low. I never want to show it in public again. People might notice the hyperpigmentation or the small but VISIBLE hairs I haven’t plucked.

Oh to be an introvert AND a woman.

Their eyes pierced through me and my anxiety skyrocketed. To be an introvert means that any unnecessary attention is fatal. And ALL attention is unnecessary. I can get by without you knowing about me, thank you.

I was perfectly fine staying in my room only talking to my closest friends through Skype. I read all the books in my bookcase! I had the time of my life playing blickblock and occasionally the Sims. Because if I can’t control my life at least I can control theirs…

And Sara was the greatest Sim I ever created. She was outgoing and personable - Prim and Proper – the Sim world’s best musician – with the self-confidence to achieve it of course.

But I just sat here on the bus feeling ashamed for wearing my mask. At one point in my life, I was fine with being around crowds so long as they didn’t pay me too much attention. It was part of daily life to go out into the world of humans. I had to retrieve my sustenance from the grocery store, and awkwardly interact with the cashier while rushing to put everything into bags because I was worried I was taking too long and the other customers were looking scary. 

Life was great… when I was used to it…

Now it’s like a punch in the gut when someone’s eyes wander casually over my frightened frame.

But I must persevere! I needed to buy a new plunger because the maintenance repair man of my apartment complex was not responding to my emails. I would have called but I try to limit that to only the pizza delivery guy. He sort of knows me now and my usual order so all I have to say is “Hello… Yes… Yes… just leave it at the doorstep… thank you”. Minimal contact – I loved it.

I kept my gaze low as I got off the bus trying my hardest not to trip over my own feet. I become a thousand times more clumsy when I think about walking. But it’s so difficult to walk in a normal way if you’re thinking to yourself “Just walk normal damnit!”

Into the repair shop I walked which was really just a supermarket which honestly made it more embarrassing that the only item I would be leaving with… was a plunger. It was packed with humans of course – the sociable kind.

With my eyes on my feet I made my way straight to the correct aisle. I found it hanging there proudly from its hanger, and I steeled myself as I plucked it. I made quick movements and sharp maneuvers to avoid the passersby that were too close until I got to the checkout line.

How long did I have to suffer? Three carts full of groceries.

What were they even buying anyway? Why do they need to buy so much stuff?

The first lady in the line had two kids with her, each ogling the snacks and goodies in the cart. They bounced on their feet excitedly awaiting the chance to taste the milky chocolate goodness and crispy potato chips. Those are really unhealthy by the way! I can’t believe the mother was buying them a whole assortment of croissants and other sweets. We could save five ENTIRE minutes if she only kept the healthy food! I could be here five minutes less!

The second guy in line, was a man in his late thirties. He wore a colorful scarf, blazer jacket and striped socks in moccasins. He was wearing other clothing as well they just weren’t of note…

This man had in his cart, the entire lane of socks. Yes, there was a lane of socks in this supermarket… and he had taken every pair to try and wear. Some were so ridiculous and flashy that even Santa Claus himself wouldn’t have dared. How many years would it take the cashier to sort through all of those?

The last was a couple, a couple of idiots if you ask me. Looked like they were planning a party… but of course the pandemic is over so… why not? They had those cliché red cups, several stack of those… And half the liquor the store displayed. The coconut flavored ones, the coffee flavored ones, the green apple tasting ones… That one is just gross. Just eat a normal green apple please. And their cart would take five eons of packing the bottles carefully into the bags.

I stood there thankful for my mask as I knew that my cheeks were redder than Rudolph’s nose. They were redder than the spring’s first poppy and the summer’s finest rose. My fingers fumbled with my sleeves, pulling them down as if to hide as much of me as possible. And as I contemplated all these things about the customers in front of me, the time passed. But not fast enough…

One down – two to go.

The socks were being scanned slowly – beep boop beep boop. Slower than my grandma telling me a story about her best friend who came over the other day. Grandma’s stories never have much to them… she just wants to talk to you… her meeting with Patricia was extremely uneventful… Trust me…

And as I kept standing there I realized I must look awkward. So I pulled out my phone to stare at it. Normally people scroll through Instagram or something, so I tried doing that. Yet I couldn’t pay attention to my phone screen… I was so hyperaware that there were people – beside – me… They had to be looking at me. Looking at the girl wearing a mask – a symbol of our dreaded past – and holding a plunger!

Two down – one to go.

It felt like the dawn would never come- or whatever that was from - that time hated me and wanted me to be stuck in this moment forever. I thought that if anyone spoke to me besides the cashier I might burst into tears. I haven’t had to have a conversation with anyone that I didn’t know for so long. Stranger danger.

The couple finally packed away all their bottles of alcohol and they clinked together as they walked out. I was up… It was time. I took hesitant steps towards the counter and placed the plunger as quietly as I could in front of the cashier. He looked at me. Up and down. I glared back trying to show that I didn’t want to comment on the situation I was in. He obliged and scanned it quickly.

“Would you like a bag with that?”

“Yes please”

Anything to save me from even more humans noticing my horrifying choice of item. I paid quickly and headed for the door without thanking him – as I was unsure if it would be even more awkward if I thanked him.

Just as I was about to walk out the doors the detectors went off. They are meant to go off only if someone is stealing from the store so why did they go off because of me?!

The security guy began walking over to me, sweat beading on my forehead. I definitely looked guilty… Why did this have to happen to me? He was going to have to open the bag and everyone was going to see!

But just as he was nearing me and I thought he was going to grab me, he walked right past me. Someone behind me was rushing back to the cashier and apologizing for forgetting to put an item through.

The greatest relief washed through my body and I walked out of the store. It should be smooth sailing from here on. But what an ordeal I went through on this first day out.

My phone rang, scaring the living daylights out of me.

“Hello?” I asked a little scared.

“Hi this is Mike! The complex’s handyman. I got your emails! I don’t normally check my email, but I heard from the guys on flat one that you were having some trouble with your toilet. So I brought you a plunger. I’m waiting outside your apartment but you don’t seem to be there…”

Oh cruel world…