Stomach Scorpions

“One extra hot orange juice and espresso.”

“Ew?”

“I’m glad you said that, because it’s actually for me. Here’s your latte.”

“Thanks. So what do you do for a living? Ugh, sorry. Lame first date question.”

“That’s alright. I’m a firefighter.”

“Explains your weird mustache.”

“It also explains why I’m so handsome.”

“I’ve never seen you on a fireman calendar.”

“Well of course not. No one would ever change the month. And then people would lose track of days, and the world would descend into chaos. Also, my mustache is awesome.”

“Sure.”

“What is it you do, May?”

“Nothing as important as firefighting and saving lives.”

“Everything is important.”

“Not in comparison.”

“That’s why you can’t always compare things. Not everything is on the same playing field.”

“So where do you rank answering telephones for a car manufacturer?”

“Well, millions of people rely on their cars. I’d say your job is very important.”

“Sounds like a stretch.”

“Is it so hard to believe you’re making a difference?”

“Yeah, mostly.”

“If you look at the world from that angle, you’ll never see your impact.”

“Thanks, Oprah.”

“Oprah is amazing. I’m honored by the connection.”

“Then you’re welcome.”

“Looks like the café is closing. Want to take a walk?”

“Okay.”

“Good. I like talking to you.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“Let me get the door.”

“Thanks.”

“So what should we talk about next?”

“Hm. What’s something you’re passionate about?”

“Immigrant rights. What about you?”

“Don’t switch to me yet. I want to know more!”

“Raging about the lack of immigration policy reform is more of a second date topic.”

“Fine, fine. And as for me, I’m not sure I have anything I’m very passionate about.”

“How sad.”

“I suppose.”

“You can be passionate about me, if you want. Hey now, don’t make that face!”

“Sorry, this is just my usual face when I’m thinking someone is super sweet and not at all cheesy.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“You might grow on me after all.”

“Like a beautiful plant.”

“More like a barnacle.”

“That’s not as beautiful.”

“How judgmental. Maybe I think barnacles are the epitome of beauty.”

“Explains why you haven’t fallen for me yet.”

“It’s way too soon to tell.”

“You’re saying I haven’t instantly given you butterflies? I’m wounded.”

“I don’t believe in butterflies.”

“Butterflies exist, May. I’ve seen them in the garden, and there are some on television, in books, and I’ve even seen entire calendars that-”

“Stomach butterflies, you ding-dong.”

“I know, I know. So why don’t you believe in stomach butterflies?”

“Well, I mean, I do. Just not when it comes to love. I think stomach butterflies are a response to fear or maybe anxiety, not seeing someone cute. It’s a fight or flight thing. Pure adrenaline. That’s not love; it’s terror. That’s telling you something is wrong.”

“So you believe in fear butterflies but not love butterflies?”

“Yep.”

“What bug means love, then?”

“Um. Scorpions.”

“Scorpions aren’t bugs.”

“Might as well be.”

“And you equate love with stomach scorpions?”

“Actually, yeah.”

“Too bad.”

“Oh, look! A kitty!”

“Hi, kitty.”

“Who’s a sweet baby? It’s you, yes it is.”

“You must have cats.”

“Nah. I have a dog.”

“What kind?”

“A dachshund. One of the mini ones. I named him Klaus, and he has a drinking problem.”

“Um.”

“He has always drank too much water. Drank? Drunk?”

“Don’t look at me. I’m not an English major.”

“Bye, kitty! So what about you? Any pets?”

“I have a cat. She’s about four pounds and made entirely out of hair. I’m not convinced she has bones.”

“What’s her name?”

“Professor Kitty Wiggins.”

“Really?”

“Mhm. Once I have her for another year, she’ll get tenure.”

“She must be very excited.”

“Oh yes, it’s all she talks about. Do you think the Professor would get along with Klaus?”

“He’s pretty rambunctious. She probably won’t like his style.”

“She might be entirely fur, but she’s a ferocious predator.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’re probably safe. Just don’t enroll in any of her classes.”

“So she’s also a ferocious grader?”

“Very few ever get above a C in her class.”

“How cruel.”

“It gets worse. Anything below a D, and she’ll return your assignment with a hairball.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah, her score on RateMyProfessors.com is rubbish.”

“I believe it. Ooh, do you want to stop in here for a beer? Come on, it’s my treat this time.”

“How could I say no? Hey, they have darts. Want to play a round?”

“Sure, but I’m going to kick your ass. You go grab the darts, and I’ll get the beer.”

“Hey, you’re finally back. I was about to die of boredom.”

“There was a line, you whiner. Drink up. Also, I’m taking the yellow ones. Stand back.”

“Wow, have you actually seen a dart before?”

“Shut up. I’m amazing at darts.”

“You do realize the object is to hit the board, right?”

“A lie told by Big Dart to keep selling boards. The actual goal is to hit anything except the board.”

“Big Dart, huh?”

“Oh yeah, they’re insidious.”

“They give the Illuminati a run for their money, I bet.”

“The Illuminati is like a playground hopscotch team in comparison.”

“Big Dart sounds powerful. Are you sure making them angry by missing the board is a good idea?”

“Nope! But that’s what you’re here for.”

“To protect you?”

“As a distraction. I’ll tell them the whole idea was yours, and then I’ll run and leave you to their tender mercies.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You’re up.”

“Ow!”

“Careful, they’re sharp! I hope you’ve had a tetanus shot.”

“Well…”

“You better be kidding, Carlos.”

“I don’t want to tell you now. What if you decide to throw rusty nails at me? I’m dainty, and I might break into tiny pieces.”

“You big baby.”

“You love it.”

“I absolutely do not. Babies are stupid.”

“Hm. Let’s explore that. Babies are stupid?”

“Well, yeah. They don’t do anything but poop themselves and cry.”

“They’re babies.”

“So?”

“So? So they’re babies! They can’t help it.”

“Other species’ babies are self-sufficient almost right outside the womb. Like, up and walking.”

“Out of necessity, though. If they weren’t, they’d get eaten by lions.”

“So you’re saying we need to threaten our babies with lions.”

“What? No! I didn’t say that at all.”

“I distinctly heard you. What kind of monster would threaten a baby with a lion?”

“Don’t turn this around on me. You’re the one who hates babies.”

“It’s true.”

“I hope you never decide to have kids.”

“Normally, I’d say it’s a horrible thing to tell someone, but in this case, I hope I don’t either.”

“Well, if you do have kids, just don’t take them to the zoo.”

“Right. I’d probably toss the baby straight into the tiger pit.”

“Hm, a great way to get on the news.”

“I’ve always wanted to be famous.”

“Oh?”

“Definitely. But only for something horrible.”

“I can see the headlines now: Woman Feeds Baby to Tigers for Fun.”

“Tag line: Everyone Applauds.”

“You’re a monster.”

“You love it.”

“I do, and that worries me very much. Hey, do you want to grab some food?”

“You just kicked my ass at darts, and you want to continue the date? I want to say yes, but I need to head home.”

“That’s okay. I’ll walk you to your car. Though I am actually hungry. Do you have any snacks?”

“Seriously? You should have packed your own. But I do have a granola bar.”

“Can I have it?”

“I guess so. But you’ll owe me.”

“I’ll buy you dinner one day.”

“Nope. I will only accept a granola bar to replace a granola bar.”

“How very Hammurabi of you.”

“Ooh, a historian.”

“I have other talents besides being very handsome.”

“I’ve yet to see those talents manifest. Catch!”

“Oops.”

“Wow, catching must be another one of your talents. Good thing it was a granola bar and not an heirloom teapot. My car is just around the corner.”

“Thanks. Oh, gross, it’s chocolate chip.”

“Gross? Libel and slander upon the good and tasty name of chocolate!”

“It’s not for everyone.”

“Clearly. If you’re not going to eat it, give it back.”

“Nope, it’s mine now. Thanks, Mayfly.”

“No, no, no. As the giver of granola, I declare you can’t give me dumb nicknames.”

“If the giver of granola includes chocolate, I can call her anything I want. Check the rulebook.”

“Rude.”

“I am. I learned all my manners from the Professor.”

“Adorable.”

“You say so, but wait until I yak in a corner in the middle of the night.”

“When you say such sexy things, I’m shocked that you’re single.”

“I don’t have to be.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You gave me a granola bar, so clearly we should go out again.”

“Your logic is infallible. Here’s my car.”

“So. Dinner next time?”

“Will you bring me a granola bar and rant about immigration reform?”

“Happily.”

“Then it’s a date.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Hm, I dunno. Beer, espresso, and orange juice is a weird combination.”

“Oh, um-”

“Yes, you can kiss me. Please do.”

“Do you think you’ll get butterflies or scorpions?”

“I guess there’s one way to find out.”