Kitchen Bedroom.

    The freezer chest shakes my bed when it turns on. I can hear it's crackling cold as I turn onto my side. An empty white ceiling mocks my ability to drift softly into slumber. The sheets which hang as blockers to the outside world offer illusioned protection. A veil...so no one knows how close I am to the glass door.

     Inanimate guardians which swallow me whole. I think I'm free to come and go as I please...however, this kitchen bedroom is like a body, with me as the brain. A recipe of angles, designs, and structure. There is perfection and imperfection as if a cosmic joke stumbled off the lips of a comic genius. The punchline hardly matters...it's the delivery. But, this time it's not funny...it's more like torture.

     This is where I prepare food as well as sleep. It is both empty and full. Quiet while projecting noise at the exact same time. Nothing is a balance, yet it tetters back-and-forth without completely spilling. I am always present; however, my hyperphantasia keeps me prisoner beyond these walls. I know most of the colors, patters, and placements within this room. Occasionally, I'll discover something new, but it's mostly because I forgot it was there.

     There are days when opening the curtains are necessary. The outside is reality, which I never can quite comprehend. With such a limited view, it's easy to misjudge the symphony of life. There is a rhythm to the chaos. There is purpose in the madness...I just don't know how to be part of it. It's easier just to try and sleep...or eat. The distractions are like wet band-aids, only lasting for a short time. While eating, I'm thinking about sleeping and when I'm sleeping, I dream about eating.

     When I'm in between all I can do is stare. Day after day, when sleeping and eating become mundane...staring is the brain's way of shutting down...but still being alive. It's like forced meditation, which becomes as necessary as breathing. If you stare long enough, you learn there are levels of staring. Plateaus or places of existence unique to your mind. A web of simultaneous reality experiences wherein traveling can be experienced without ever leaving.

      The thought of leaving is often too paralyzing. It's safer to be hidden while taking small peaks of the dangers outside. There are indoor minds and there are outdoor minds. Some may leak, like mental osmosis...but most of us are one or the other. Likings can change...but is one truly better than the other? 

     I live in Minnesota, so inside for me is better. Winter...frigid cold with unforgiving blanket snow. Summer...strangling heat while it saturates every pore. Spring...mud caked rains couple by unholy winds. Autumn...the pain of knowing winter is coming.

     My legs shake at the thought of ever leaving this room. No one bothers me as I'm at the top of the food chain. Although, I will admit in the truth of fragile strength. I've almost been broken several times before. They come at you with guile and disgust, which is why I steer clear of interactions. I'm wise enough not to venture far from my kitchen bedroom. Nothing good ever happens out there, every time I've been nearly dissapointed. 

     No one seems to truly understand...at least until you've been violated. For the most part...as much as I can...I simply stay away. It doesn't always work...hiding away. I've been wronged by intruders...violating my sacred space. Unholy, vile interruptors who've done more damage then they will ever know!

     Locked inside this...this...this situation of real and figmented pieces of what is called existence. Somedays all I can do is hold on for dear life, while others blend together like bitter fabric in a tapestry. Freedom is simply an illusion...something you try to describe like salt. Blood is what keeps us alive, yet it is never satisfied. Longing for an exit, only kept together by mortal vessels. I despise the world for this room...and yet...it is all that I have. 

     It's so stupid that fear keeps me silent. I'm disgusted whenever I catch a glimpse of myself...no wonder why people yell at how ugly I am. Why don't they just leave me alone?

     I am too weak to fight back anymore. I am too broken to forgive them for what they've done! I wish I could just hibernate as the seasons rot my soul. Maybe it's time for my end...I've existed for too long in this room. Alone...just eating and sleeping to survive. I would hate to even entertain visitors anymore. 

     I think this is it...I believe I've truly gone mad. I should just take this rope and end it on my own terms. Maybe tomorrow...I'll sleep on this thought in my head.

     WHAT'S THAT NOISE! I think someone is trying to get in. Oh no...please don't let it be another intruder. I knew I should have just ended it last night. Now my instinct has kicked in. My first reaction is to be silent and creep into the darkest corner...it's the only way I will survive this.

     Please just take what you came for and leave me alone. I made it this far...I don't want to be killed. But, if I make it through this, I promise myself to die. I can hear them getting closer...why don't they just leave me alone.

     They're practically on top of me now...all I can do is pray they don't see me...oh God...it's too late. The intruder has made eye contact. This is it...the moment I've been dreading...I guess I'll be dead soon. Everytime I've come close, they scream at me in blood curdling horror...because I'm so gross and disgusting. I can feel myself going faint as I wait to be crushed. I close my eyes as I can't take it anymore.

     What is it waiting for...this monster...this beast whose simply delaying my execution. I don't know...maybe I should go out fighting...not in a pathetic stupor. Maybe it's time for me to unleash my hate this world has injected into me.

      Before I can open my eyes everything starts to shake. I'm so terrified...I hope I go quick. I've shut down my mind and these final moments feel like my entire life. Nothing is happening...maybe I can escape. Oh no...what is this...my path is blocked. I'll turn around and go the other way. Holy hell...this way too. I'm trapped!

     Why are they doing this to me...I've done nothing to them. I despise these creatures for what they are doing to me. But...wait a minute...I see a light and feel warmth. I feel my prison moving and now I can see. My captor...holding me in the sky. Why...why are they not screaming and trying to crush me?

     I've had visions of death...but this is not it. I've witnessed the horrors of life...but this is something new. I can see it perfectly...and I'm not afraid. Why am I floating? How is it possible this thing is holding me, yet I'm not being broken? I've decided to go to the edge...an invisible solid where two giant eyes and a face are staring at me. This is the first encounter with these beings when I'm not afraid. It's eyes are soft, caring, innocent, and wholesome. 

     It's finger slowly caresses the clear shield in front of me...I have no fear. I want to cry...who is this and what is happening? I wish I could touch and feel the other thing. Somehow we are connected...I don't know how to explain it. I feel as though I could stare into it's eyes all day. This...this...this thing is saving me. 

     Holy crap…what is that? There is a much larger creature which looks exactly like it. I'm gonna back up for now. My little new friend has long strands flowing from the top of its head, whereas the bigger one has shorter strands on its head and face. This is strange...they are similar, yet slightly different. I feel afraid of the larger one...it could easily destroy me...but...the tiny one is making some sort of movement. It hands are clasped together as if pleading to the bigger beast. 

     The Giant one is shaking its head with its mouth angled downwards. No...it's reaching for me! The giant has me..I'm being levated up. I turn towards the tiny one to plead for my life. I see it...the small creature is getting further and further away. Please...please return me to the tiny one! I don't like this big one. I feel that it wants to end me. 

     Wait...I'm slowing my ascent. Everything is stopped. What is happening? The tiny one is holding its arms in the air...and...and...some sort of liquid or wetness is dripping from its eyes. Oh my...the small one is pleading for my life. I turn to look at the large one and it's downward angled mouth has now slightly turned upwards. I...I...I think the little one is winning. Yes...I can feel it. The smaller creature has some sort of power over the larger one. 

     I'm being lowered down...and I am almost in the tiny one's hands now. Oh please let this be true...I have never felt wanted before...and this creature...not of my own species...is willing to battle that much more humongous one to save me.

     Finally...I am back in its hands...this is where I belong. But wait...what's happening now? I'm being lowered to the ground. This invisible prison is shifting. I can see the ground and I think this creature wants me to exit. I believe I see how to leave this place. I'm certain it can be trusted with my safety. Just in case I'll run really fast...I better not take any chances. Good thing I've got eight legs. 

     Just before heading back to my kitchen bedroom I'll take one last glimpse. Both of their mouths are turned upwards and I can tell they are my friends. I'm so glad I am alive. 

     Well...my place is a little wrecked...but nothing I can't fix. Just a few days of sprucing up and everything will be back to normal. 

     Oh my goodness...I hear someone trying to get in. I guess I should take peak to see if it's my creature friend. The noises are soft...it has to be that one. YES...YES...it came back to see me again. It's eyes are perfect and it's breath is warm. I could bask here all day. 

     I've never encountered the same beast twice...but this is quite nice. It's just staring at me with its mouth angled upwards. It's face is resting on its hands and the creature is relentlessly eyeing me. I think I'll just stare back...because I'm okay with that. 

     With a sudden shift it took its hand, placed it on its mouth, puckered its lips, then motioned its hand again...but this time towards me. I didn't feel anything physically, but internally I was overcome with comfort. The creature stood up and skipped away. Oh...I hope it comes back.

     And so it began...day after day, week after week, and month after month. I saw this beautiful creature who made life valuable again. I was lost and alone until she came into my kitchen bedroom. Although I still look forward to sleeping and eating...I now look forward to my friend. We mostly just stare at each other...but that's all I need these days. 

     I don't feel so good today...it's as if weakness has crept into my legs. My center core aches...oh no...I think I'm slipping away. I hope my friend comes soon. I knew this day would come as my kind rarely exist as long as me. I guess I've been living on borrowed time...but I just have to make it until it comes. It shouldn't be long now.

     I must distract my mind...I cannot allow myself to enter the dark. Once I close my eyes it'll all be gone. Please hurry my friend...it's imperative we stare at each other one last time.

     What is taking so long? It is usually here by now...my special creature companion I need you now more than ever. I don't know if I can hold on any more. My eyes are heavy and my body is numb. If my life ever meant anything...then I need a final eye contact...before I go.

     It's time and still no friend...I'm at a loss. I can't keep my eyes open any more. WAIT...what's that noise! Thank heavens...it's my friend. I can sense it's searching for me...I must discover the strength to make it nearer. I know my friend will worry, but it was inevitable...at least I will die in her gaze.

     I was right...my friend could tell that something was wrong. I slowly stumbled towards the outstretched hand. This would be my final alive place...It's where I want to be. I cautiously crawled onto my friends skin where it was celestial paradise. Those tender eyes were now guiding me to the unknown beyond. 

     I'm at peace. The last year of my life was filled with love by this thing which treated me so kind. It could have cursed me, crushed me, and taken everything. Instead, this creature gave me everything. Here it is...this is the moment. My friend is sad...the raindrops are falling from its eyes. I'm alright...I'm okay...I can finally close my eyes...peace...this...is...the end.

Samuel Petersen ©️ 2021